Funny Guy Friday… Our new one-stop-shop… and then some...

    I have discovered the Holy Grail of stores. I don't know how I missed it these past twenty years. I had heard people talk of this shopping utopia before, but I never thought much of it until this past week.
    Sam's Club.
    Cheryl and I had talked about joining in the past but we always blew it off. Then, with Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, we decided that it might be a good idea to check it out. From the moment that I walked through the door and was greeted by the ninety-year-old Sam's gal, I was hooked. She had me at hello!
    Granny advised me that I had to get in the customer service line and join the club. I eagerly got behind a couple with two young children. The younger daughter was about four years old and was quite a handful. Dad gave her a swift swipe across the bottom as I looked on, refusing to pass judgment. Apparently, I must have had a shocked look on my face because mom felt the need to tell me that her daughter is, in fact, a handful. She explained that nothing seemed to work, and her behavior was getting worse.
     I explained that I understood and that all kids are different.
    What I was really thinking was that my kids are way better than yours and the corporal punishment that your husband just laid on your four-year-old has no effect on me because I am getting ready to join the coolest store in the world. Beat her with a whip as far as I am concerned. Oh, by the way, I think you can buy a case of whips in aisle nine.   
     When I got to the front of the line, another nice old lady was there to assist me.
     I want to join.  I want to join right now. What do I need to do?
     Do you own a business?
     Why, yes, yes I do. Does that help me?
     Yes. You can get a business membership. That comes with two cards.
     Two cards? Who gets the other one?
     Anybody you want. 
     Can it be my girlfriend? Would you tell my wife if I were to give the second card to my girlfriend?
    This stopped the nice old lady in her tracks, and I realized that she did not think that I was joking. I was joking… I swear… I was joking… Really, I was just joking. I would never lie to my new friends at Sam's Club.
    Anyway, I got my picture taken and I looked quite dashing, if I do say so myself. I assured the nice woman that I would send my wife over to the counter as soon as I found her so she too could have her photo taken for her new Sam's card. Cheryl and our daughter Gracie had left me about fifteen minutes earlier to start shopping. When I found them, they had already filled a shopping cart full of stuff, none of which was food for Thanksgiving or gifts for Christmas.
    Cheryl made her way over to the photo counter to have her picture taken for her very own Sam's Club membership card. I must say that if she really did look like the girl in her photo, I would consider the whole girlfriend option. Not the best photo in the world, if you catch my drift. She kind of had a stretchy head. Fortunately, it is about the size of nail... the kind of nail that you hammer... not the kind on your finger. Funny how a store that does everything so big takes pictures that are so small. No matter... I love this place.
    To be fair, if you have never shopped at Sam's Club, you would not know that it does not take much to fill a cart.  Everything is sold in bulk so if you buy three things, there is a good chance the cart will be full.  They, in fact, bought way more than three things, and when I expressed surprise at the speed at which they shopped, Cheryl explained that the store was getting ready to close so we had to move.
    After spending three hundred dollars, we decided that that was good start, but we would need to come back for more the next day, which was Veteran's Day. I am kind of embarrassed to say that this kind of had me excited.
    I played golf with some friends on Veteran's Day and I played terribly. There was a simple excuse: my mind was preoccupied with Sam's Club. We were going to go and buy our Thanksgiving dinner goods once I got home. By the way, the guys I played golf with did not share my enthusiasm about Sam's Club.    
    Day two brought more great savings. Our purchases included, but were not limited to, a case of aluminum foil, a case of saran wrap, three cases of plates, a case of cutlery, two cases of napkins, a case of paper towels, two cases of cranberry jelly, two cases of stuffing mix, sixteen butter sticks, a case of corn, and a case of green beans. Two carts full of stuff and goodbye to another four hundred dollars. It was awesome!
    So this coming Thursday, we will have more than fifty friends and family members coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. I am thankful for so much that the Lord has provided. I have often said that I married the nicest woman that God has ever put on this earth. He has blessed us with three great kids that make us proud every day. He provides me the opportunity to go to work every day and make a living and to support my family. We have great friends and a beautiful home.
   What more could we want? What more do we need?
   How about a store where you can buy food, clothes, cleaning supplies, toys, cameras, TVs, computers, stereos, exercise equipment, camping equipment and tires (I wonder if you have to buy six tires even thought you only use four at a time)?
   My life is complete. I love Sam's Club!