Funny Guy Friday... Call me, maybe...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     Two weeks ago, while the boys were enjoying a sleepover with some friends, Cheryl, Grace and I attended the ten o'clock Mass at our church. About ten minutes into Mass, the most irritating thing happened... a cell phone went off in a pew right around us.
     It was not a ring tone but a steady humm. Either way, it was completely distracting. I have a firm belief that there is no situation that would require that a person bring their cell phone into a church during a service. We all have our pet peeves, and this one is most definitely mine.
     Inexcusable!
     Seriously. What could be so important that you need to bring your cell phone into Mass with you. Are you going to text someone about the great homily? If you actually answer a call, what do you do during an important part of the Mass?
     Excuse me, can I call you back in a minute? I have to go receive the Eucharist.... No no, it will only be a minute... we are in the first pew and it will be quick.... You know what? Forget it. I'll just take you up there with me, and you can listen... I'll put you on speaker.... What's that? Call back and we can skype? Hey, great idea!    
     As the phone kept humming, I became more and more irritated.
     Cheryl and Grace know about my feelings on this topic, so they looked to me for my reaction. They seemed particularly interested. I assumed it was because the humming was in our vicinity. Close enough for me to bring the hammer down on the offender. 
     I glanced around, searching for the guilty party, but no one was reaching for the phone.
     Cowards!
     They had the nerve to bring their cell phone into church... the carelessness to leave it on... the audacity and cowardice to let it ring, ignoring it, so that nobody would know they were obnoxious and careless and audaciousnious.... I am not even sure that is a word, but I am using it for these pathetic folks.
     I looked around still trying to locate the culprit. Not that I would have done anything about it, other than give him the stink eye.
     I guessed that the only person it could have been was the gal behind me. I knew her. In fact, we have been out with her and her husband, and her husband works with my brother. I like her, or, I should say, I used to like her. As I stared her down, she stayed perfectly still, as if she were actually paying attention to the priest.
     Whatever!
     I couldn't see where the phone was hidden. In fact, her pew was empty, so the phone had to be on her person. So, not only was she ignoring the humming, she was ignoring the gentle, yet invigorating massage that she was receiving with each passing humm.
     As if she didn't know that I knew she had brought her cell phone into church... failed to turn it off... and then ignored it... as it hummed and hummed and massaged and massaged. Not to be too judgmental, but I don't think that I will ever feel the same way about her again. She is dead to me.
     There. I don't think that's too judgmental. In fact it is just judgmental enough.
     After Mass, as we climbed into the car, I reiterated my hatred for cell phones in church.
     Whenever I go on this rant, it includes an admonishment to my kids, that if ever their cell phones go off in church and I find out about it, they will no longer have a cell phone.
     Silence.
     I restated my position with the hope that I would get an Amen from the congregation.
     Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.
     Cheryl finally spoke up: Okay. We get it. You don't like cell phones in church. Maybe someone forgot that they had it in their purse or something.
     She didn't have a purse. I know because I scouted it out. If I thought that I could have gotten away with it, I would have thrown her up against the wall and patted her down. 
     I was astounded that Cheryl was making excuses for her.  
     Cheryl added:  I could barely hear it.
     That was not possible. It kept humming and humming.
     How could you not hear it? It kept humming. I think her ring tone is set to a loud humm to try and fool people into thinking she is only a partially inconsiderate person and not a complete obnoxious boob!
     It wasn't her phone. 
     It wasn't? Whose phone was it? Did you see? You were sitting in front of Bill and PJ... was it one of their phones? 
     At this point, Cheryl was practically whispering. No. But... I tried to remain calm and ignore it... so people would think it was Bill's or PJ's phone. 
     What? I don't get it. What are you talking about? 
     At this point Gracie dropped the bomb: It was Mom's phone, Dad! 
     What? No way.... Mom's not a complete obnoxious boob.
     Yes, she is Dad.
     This was a devastating revelation.  
     Cheryl broke down and confessed: I'm sorry. I forgot I had it in my purse. I tried to ignore it so you wouldn't get mad.  
     So now I'm the bad guy!
     There was only one thing left to do... I put my hand out and demanded Cheryl's phone.
     Cheryl protested: I am not giving you my phone.
     You know the rule. If it goes off in church, it's mine. 
     That's your rule, not mine. 
     I won't pay the bill then.
     The bill is in my name and covers all of our phones... and it is paid for by your office, so I don't think that is going to happen. She had me. I was powerless.
     Sure, you remember that, but you can't remember to leave your phone in the car during church. 
    At this point, I would like to interrupt this week's FGF in order to apologize to our good friend who was sitting behind us during Cheryl's faux pas: To be clear, I am not sorry for my rush to judgment nor my willingness to so easily write you off. No, I would like to apologize, for my wife's inexcusable behavior. Please know that I will do whatever I can to ensure that it does not happen again... except of course, take away her phone.
     Now that I think about it, you might not know this about me, but I, too, can occasionally be an obnoxious boob. This past Sunday, phones were ringing off the hook during Mass. And each time it happened, I turned to Cheryl and said....
      I think it's for you!