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Friday, June 24, 2016

Funny Guy Friday makes a comeback...

    Well... I am back.
    I wish I had a great explanation for my absence over the past six months... like I was kidnapped... or overseas on a mission trip... or touring with the Grateful Dead.
    But I don't. In fact, I don't even like the Grateful Dead.
    The truth is that for some reason, our desk top would not let me log into Cheryl's blog, so I was unable to write. I tried but was unable. The problem was fixed about two months ago, but by that time, I was enjoying my hiatus.
    I was able... but unwilling!
    So, I would like to start my comeback by apologizing to all of my loyal fans for my extended absence. There are about seven of you. There is our friend Ann N., two of my old girlfriends, a brother and mother of one of the ex-girlfriends, my father-in-law, and one of our associate's sister.
    I am sorry!
    I think that just about covers it.
    So, what has happened in the past six months? Well, quite a bit actually.
    On the political front... The Democrats have nominated perhaps one of the most unlikeable people ever for the office of President of the United States. She may very well be indicted before the election for her recklessness with State secrets, and if she isn't indicted, to many it will be perceived as just another example of a politician getting away with a crime.
    Even if she does not get indicted, even her most ardent supporters would have to admit, she was pretty careless. She admits that mistakes were made and claims that she is not computer savvy... as if she were from the stone ages. Kind of scary that their nominee is either a criminal or hails from the town of Bedrock.
     I think this explains why she could not shake her one and only Democratic opponent, an avowed Socialist. Socialist for goodness sakes. By the way, I am not counting Martin O'Malley as one of her opponents.  Forget about 2% of the vote... O'Malley could barely muster 2 votes.
    So the old curmudgeon from New Hampshire gave her a run for her money. Thank goodness for Super Delegates. What exactly is their super power... they have the power to vote for the candidate that all the people in the state rejected!
     Personally, I would have opted for x-ray vision.
     How could such a terrible candidate win this election?
     Her only hope is that the Republicans nominate, oh I dunno, a reality TV star with no political experience. They wouldn't do that... would they?
     Oh my gosh, they did!
     He says one thing today and a different thing tomorrow and neither seems to jive with what he said ten years ago. But he is a builder, so if you want to build something like a casino or a skyscraper, he may be your guy. Maybe a casino or a skyscraper is too much for you and all you really want is... a WALL. Well, if that is the case, he is definitely your guy.
     The sad part is that these are our two choices.
     If I could, I would vote for a monkey. Speaking of monkeys... How is it that a four-year-old can get into a gorilla's cage, but the 450 pound gorilla that is as strong as a ... GORILLA... can't get out? Terribly sad that they had to kill the poor gorilla, but there was no other choice.
     Then came the crazy calls from a bunch of people that never had kids to investigate and charge the poor mom who lost track of her little Tarzan. If losing track of your kid were a crime, I would be a multiple offender. I lost track of Gracie at the mall while Christmas shopping. I remember thinking in the midst of my panic, Cheryl is not going to understand that I misplaced our one and only daughter. 
     Even worse than that, I lost Matthew at a carnival. Given the choice between losing a kid at the carnival or in a gorilla cage, I would take the gorilla cage a hundred times out of a hundred. Especially if it happened to be a female gorilla with those sweet nurturing gorilla traits, like dragging it's young through the water by their ankles.
     But what if the female gorilla identified as a male gorilla. Well, the good news for her, er uh them,   is that in the last six months, it has become official, she can use the men's gorilla room at the local school. This executive directive strikes me as being amusing. Being a guy, I have spent more than my share of time in public bathroom and I can assure you that if a gal dressed like a dude came into the bathroom and went into a stall, I would not care, I would not question, I would not blink an eye. The only way I would even notice is if she tried to use the urinal.
     With my limited understanding of the female body, I think this might raise an eyebrow or two.
     I have to be honest though, I am not sure about what's going on in the ladies' room but I suppose some day if I wake up and identify as a chick, I can find out.
     Isn't it funny that in today's America, a man can identify as a woman and everyone is expected to accept that he is, in fact, a woman. But, if a terrorist walks into a club, announces that he is a follower of Isis and a jihadist, and commits terrorist acts, folks in the media... and many of our politicians...  expect that we will identify that terrorist as an intolerant, white, Christian member of the NRA.
     And I couldn't give a hoot if our president ever utters the words "Radical Islam" but his explanation for not doing so makes me chuckle. Basically, if I may sum up our president's explanation... It just doesn't matter. If we call them what they are, we are helping them and insulting the non-radical Muslims. 
     This begs the question, if it doesn't matter, why go to such great lengths to avoid saying it?
     When I was a kid and the family was making scrambled eggs, they would always insist on putting cheese in the eggs. I hated cheese in my eggs and insisted that they not add it in. Their response was that you really can't even taste the cheese. Well if that is the case, why put the cheese in the eggs in the first place. 
     And I don't really think calling eggs with cheese, eggs with cheese really affects how people feel about regular old eggs.
     There has to be a different reason the president avoids saying it, and who knows, if he ever does, he may like it. I know that as I grew up and matured, I found myself putting cheese in my eggs.
     Wow, for a comeback piece, this hits on a lot of political stuff and really doesn't give the reader any funny anecdotes about my family that have made FGF such a popular read for... seven people. Well, here is your update...
     Cheryl is doing fine. She is still doing a great job of running the house and taking care of my mom. I am sure she is looking forward to doing some serious editing.
     Noah injured himself learning to ride some stupid thing called a Rip Stick. I affectionately referred to it as a Broken Wrist Stick. I was wrong, and Noah proved me wrong by breaking his ankle.
      Matthew suffered a concussion playing baseball. I knew there was a problem when he stayed in the game and made two really nice plays right after being knocked silly... in a pretty violent collision that resulted in the other guy breaking his collar bone and a rib. I told Matthew that if he can hit with a concussion, we might bang him around before every game. Cheryl pointed out that a college  scholarship wouldn't really amount to much if he flunked out after one semester, but I am willing to take that chance.
     Gracie is home for the summer and is working at my office. She likes to refer to me as her co-worker.  I wish one of my co-workers would buy me lunch every day and pay for my two month gym membership.
     As for me.... I am back. Looking forward to someone in my family doing something stupid and keeping everyone informed of their stupidity.
     Of course, with our two nominees for president being in the news for the foreseeable future, I may not have to rely on my family.
     Stay tuned!

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