Funny Guy Friday... Swimming pools and movie stars...

     Funny Guy Friday is written by my husband Mark... So, I married a funny guy.
     Two recent events have prompted me to make yet another comeback to FGF. One shines a light on how great a coach I am, and the other shines a light on how my many talents are an attraction to very cool and very famous people. Both events have a teeny, tiny, wee bit of a connection to my youngest son Noah and his friends.
     The first story involves Noah and his good friend Joe.
     It started last December during a drive home from my office Christmas Party. Noah and Joe, being the enterprising middle-schoolers that they are, had spent most of the night working in the coat room but had several opportunities to mingle amongst the crowd. At the end of a long night, I was driving them and my high school boy home when I broke the silence. Joe is a swimmer so I inquired about his swimming career. He politely told me it was going well and that he had a meet coming up the following morning. I found that a bit odd since it was near midnight at the time. Joe assured me he would be okay.
     The conversation went something like this:
     Shouldn't you be home in bed... I see where Michael Phelps sleeps in a pressurized chamber and sticks to a strict diet before he swims.  You go to parties, eat chicken wings and stay out 'til midnight before your matches.
     They're called meets, Mr. Palumbo.
     Whatever... meets... matches... whatever...
     I should be okay. Two of my main competitors have aged up.
     So these guys were better than you and would beat you.
     Not really... Well, one guy beat me once.
     Soooo you're their main competition and they are just like everyone else you lap around the pool?
     Yeah, I guess so. (Slight giggle)
     Pretty confident, I like that.  So you win most of your matches?
     Meets? Yes, Mr. Palumbo. (giggling)
     So tomorrow, you will show up late, still smelling of bourbon and chicken wings from your night of partying, step up to the launch pad, strip down to your speedo, jump in and crush all those other little swimmers?
     Yes, probably Mr. Palumbo. (still giggling).

     This was intriguing to me for two reasons. He was remarkably confident without being the least bit cocky and I had heard some rumblings that he was quite the swimmer. Being a bit of a competitive swimmer myself, I continued my inquiry:
   
     Do they have State rankings in Maryland?
     Yes.
     So, where do you rank.
     First.
     Do they have Regional rankings like East Coast or something?
     Yes. Mid Atlantic region.
     Soooo, where do you rank?
     First.

     At this point, my boys were very impressed. They knew he was good but they had no idea he was this good.  I, on the other hand, was not as easily impressed. I continued...

     How about Nationally?
     Well, nationally, I am only fourth.

     Suddenly, it was just awkward for everyone. First, I felt embarrassed for my two boys as they oohed an ahhed at this news... as if it were some big accomplishment. Second, Joe was only ranked fourth in the nation in the twelve and under age group, and I knew he could do better... all he needed was a little help from a new coach. Someone with bold ideas and a knack for building champions. That's right... Joe needed me!
     I pointed out that nobody walks around holding up four fingers claiming, "We're Number 4!"  The goal is to be Number 1!

     Joe, I am willing to give up everything to take over your swimming career.  Here are just a few quick questions and a few suggestions... First, do you shave your head?
     No. (giggling)
     Next time I see you, I want to see a shaved head... That will cut off some time. You have to commit!
     I do wear a swim cap.
     Get rid of the cap. Commit to our cause, Joe. You have to be all in if you're going to swim for me. That or get a cap with my law firm's logo on the side. Cross-pollinating my business interests is a good idea.
     Do you do that flappy-arm thing that I see swimmers doing before they jump in the water?
     No (giggling).
     Well, that's gonna cut some time off too! Start flapping before every race.
     Do you shadow box in front of the competition? Like that guy who raced against Phelps in the Olympics?
     No. That guy lost to Phelps?
     Has Michael Phelps aged out of your age bracket?
     Yes. (giggling)
     Then shadow box until you run into him at a match.
     Meet?
     Whatever.
     Finally, and this may be the biggest advice I can give you... SWIM A LITTLE BIT FASTER!
     Well, Mr. Palumbo, I already have a coach.
     Who is your coach? I am not sure this guy is on the cutting edge like I am. Does he know anything about swimming!
     Well, I have my regular coach and my mom helps me out also.
     This could get tricky... How is your mom going to take the news that she is fired? I do think we can all agree that this switch is for the best.
 
     This last exchange did not get a verbal response from Joe, but it did get lots of giggling! I am guessing that Joe was a bit nervous about giving Coach Mom the heave ho! I felt for his mom, but this is business. To keep Joe in his mother's good graces, I suggested that Joe let his dad give her the bad news but that we throw her a bone and let her continue to coach Joe's siblings. I like Joe's mom, but we are going to the next level. It may cost me a friend, but success comes with a cost!
     
     My son Matthew felt it necessary to interrupt and chime in with his two cents...

     Dad, YOU don't know ANYTHING about swimming!
     This may be true... But I do know about winning!
     
     I pointed out a little known fact to Matthew:
     I know more about swimming than art, but I coached Noah up to the 16th ranked artist in the twelve-and-under cartooning division. I was working with no talent then and I worked miracles!
   
     This was a little known fact because I had completely made it up... but it made me feel as if one of my kids had some special talent and I am sure it gave Joe more confidence in my abilities.
      I quickly went back to ignoring my own two boys and turned all my attention back to Joe. I asked if he knew where we were going for the next Olympic competition and he immediately replied... Tokyo.
   
      Cool, I have never been there.  I said this very matter of factly... as if I had been anywhere.
   
      Matthew butted in again and turned to Joe and said... no offense, but I hope you don't make it to Tokyo because if you do, my dad will take all the credit.
      You're darn right I will. Who deserves it more than I?  His mom? She's welcome to come but just as an observer.
   
      So why am I writing about all this now, you might ask. Well, I am happy to report that Joe and I placed third in a national match... meet... whatever... this past week.  We posted some of our best times ever. After only one car drive and a couple of refresher courses along the way, we made great strides... or strokes... or whatever swimmers do when they improve. Just think what we can do when he comes to me full time.
     We have until 2020 to get his head shaved, perfect the arm flapping, shadow box... and to swim just a little bit faster.
     Congratulations to Joe.  Job well done!

     Now the next story involves Noah's friend Casey.
     Casey's uncle is president of some small company up in New York City. I think it is called The New York Stock Exchange. I don't know what they make or manufacture, but people tell me it is a pretty big deal. I don't really care about that, though. What I do care about is the fact that Casey's uncle is good friends with Hugh Jackman.
     That's right... that Hugh Jackman.
     Noah, the mythical 16th ranked cartoonist in the twelve-and-under division, drew a picture of Hugh Jackman's Wolverine character and gave it to Casey.  Casey gave it to his uncle and his uncle gave it to Hugh Jackman.
     Yes, that Hugh Jackman.
     Well, several months went by, and Casey recently met up with Noah and handed him an envelope. Inside the envelope was an autographed photo of Hugh Jackman... yes that Hugh Jackman... with a thank you and some other kind words about Noah and the picture he drew.
     How cool is it that some superstar talks about one of my kids. But even cooler than talking about one of my kids is that he probably talked about me.
     Let's think about how all of this went down for a second.
     My guess is that the New York Stock Exchange guy told Hugh Jackman all about me when he handed him that Wolverine picture that Noah drew.  My friend Hugh... I am just going to call him my friend Hugh from here on out... had to be totally impressed that I was able to teach my kid how to draw. As a result, he probably wants to hang out with me. Who knows, maybe he wants me to teach his kids how to draw.
     Even more awesome... Just imagine if my friend Hugh's kids swim. Hugh is Australian, so I could potentially have two swimmers from two different countries competing in Tokyo.
     If that were to happen, do you know who the big winner would be?
     Well, I don't want to brag or anything, but I am pretty sure that I would be the big winner.  And with my new friend Hugh, I won't miss losing Joe's mom's friendship.
     I guess everyone's a winner, except maybe Joe's mom.
     Maybe I can resolve that if I get her an autographed picture from my friend Hugh.