Funny Guy Friday... Getting back in shape... sort of...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     I want to start this week off by letting everyone know that I used to be in great shape.
     Don't get me wrong, I still look good... although apparently not as good as I think, as a friend recently commented that you don't weigh much but you're not cut or anything! 
     Ouch.
     I used to be cut.
     Not like body building cut but thin and defined. I see pictures of myself back in the day, and I think Dang! Why can't I look like that again? 
     I mean if you saw me in the street today, you wouldn't avert your eyes or anything like that. In fact, you might even think.. He looks pretty good for a fifty-year-old guy! But then again, you probably would think to yourself... that is a fine looking thirty-year-old. I mean on the outside, I look okay!
     The inside is the problem!
     Just for some history: when I was at the University of Maryland, they did a study comparing percentage of body fat and flexibility of scholarship athletes... of which I was one, thank you very much! I had one of the lowest percentages of body fat of anyone in the study... and the worst flexibility of anyone in the history of the free world.
     I had them baffled... but that is not important right now.
     Here is what is important: I made a life-changing decision tonight while walking to Dairy Queen to buy ice cream! What was that life changing decision, you ask?
     Let me explain.
     This past Sunday, Matthew was out of town, and Cheryl and Grace were at a wedding shower. This left Noah and me to fend for ourselves.
     Our day started off with a round of batting practice, and then I scored us an invite from my sister-in-law Karen to the local pool. Basically, I called Karen and said, Hey, Noah and I need a pool to go to... are you using yours today. 
     Karen advised that she was sick in bed, but I was undaunted: Whatever. Is your husband Matt home? What are he and the kids doing? I need someone with a pool membership. We are hot, and we are sweaty. We need a pool, so please put him on the phone. Oh yeah... hope you feel better! 
     Matt came through like a champ and dropped everything and joined us at their pool, er uh, allowed us to join them at their pool.
     Karen's family recently joined this pool and they go all the time. In fact, her kids are on the swim team. I found this very interesting because they only just started swimming.
     Once we arrived, we jumped right in.
     During the adult swim, Karen's cute little daughter Elaine, who happens to be my sweet, adorable Godchild, was explaining how she recently got moved up to the "A" meets. Pretty impressive, I thought, since she basically is a beginner. I asked about her times and what distances she raced. She told me that in her most recent meet, she swam the fifty-meter freestyle.
     On a side note... I have always hated the metric system. I laughed then... and I laugh now... thinking about how our third-grade teachers used to admonish us that Someday the entire world will be on the metric system, so you better learn it. 
     Whatever! No, uh uh! I still live in a country that measures things in inches, feet, yards, and miles! Thank you very much! U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!
     Okay, I learned that fifty-meters is one time up and back in the swim lanes. Oh, that doesn't seem so bad... I think I can do that! 
     Sure... try it Uncle Mark... encouraged my little all-that-is-evil, witch-of-a-niece, Elaine... with a sly grin.
     So off I went.
     Dove right in, and off I raced... dodging two old women floating around in the racing lanes.
     I started out pretty steady... taking three or four strokes before coming up for air. Felt I was going at a pretty good clip... but I must admit, it did seem to take a little longer than I had thought to reach the floating women who were about about halfway out... oh, I'd say... at about thirteen meters.
     Not yet through the first leg of my race, I was already getting pretty fatigued. Having to avoid those women was not helping my cause.
     When I finally reached the wall, I considered a flip turn... but then I realized, I don't actually know what a flip turn is. I mean, I know what it is, but I don't actually know how to do one. At this point, my brain was still functioning, and I actually had a coherent thought, I may end up swallowing all of the water in this pool if I try the ol' flip turn.
     I touched the wall and headed back! My fiend of a Goddaughter later advised that this poor turn killed my time.
     Whatever... at this point, I was taking one breath for every stroke... and these were big, desperate breaths that don't seem to get any air into my lungs. I was struggling, but I saw those floating ladies and I pressed on.
     The problem was that those two old, bobbing biddies seemed a lot further away than thirteen meters.
     The more I think about it, I think those mean old gals were messing with me. You know how when your kids try to swim to you, and you keep moving away, so they can never catch you. I think they were doing something like that!
     I hate those ladies!
     Eventually, I passed the two floating speed bumps, but I still had half the lane to go.
     This next part you are about to read is the absolute truth... as God is my witness... there is no exaggeration in what I am about to write:
     I thought I was going to drown!
     All the signs were there. My brain stopped functioning. I was gasping for air. I was flailing my arms. I was what my wife refers to as a chocolatey mess!
     I mean, I knew that I could just stop and stand up and survive. I was only in five feet of water... but frankly, I would rather have drowned than to quit halfway through my second lap.
     No way I was going to let my son and my niece and nephews see me quit. I would rather that they see me die trying than to see me quit! And if those old ladies had tried to come to my aid, to give me mouth to mouth, I would have taken them down with me! I hated them anyway, so if one of them were to go... so be it! They killed my time, so turnabout is fair play!
     There was only one of two ways that this was going to end... I was either going to finish the last thirteen meters... or I was going to die trying!
     I am proud to say... well... proud is probably not the best word to use... let's just say... I finished my race. I touched the wall, and if I had had the ability to raise my arms above my head... or to raise them to any level for that matter, I would have slapped the water as if I had just beaten out Michael Phelps for the gold medal.
     As an aside... I still don't get the metric system, but here is one thing that I do know... meters get longer as you get tireder!
     I was finished for the day.
     I tried to play it off like I felt good enough to do it again, but the reality was... I was looking for a place to fall.
     I eventually found that place in a nice lounge chair. Five minutes into a conversation with Noah, I passed out, er uh, fell asleep. I never felt so old in my life. "Fine looking thirty-year-old man" my rear end!
     So you are probably wondering... what was that life changing decision I had mentioned before?
     You might be guessing that I decided to start swimming on a daily basis. If you did guess that, you would be wrong... way wrong. No... Hell No... Hell to the No!
     I may never get in a pool again.
     What are you some kind of masochist? Didn't you just read about my near death experience? Geez!
     No, I decided that I am going to start working out on a daily basis. I am just not sure what I am going to do. I am doing some research to see what might work for me.
     I came across some of that cross-fit stuff, and this is my take on that: I think that those people are just nuts. God bless 'em, but I just want to get in a little better shape... not kill anyone... especially myself. I tried killing myself in the pool and didn't like it. There has to be a better way.
     I will think of something, and I will make it work. I kind of started the whole process tonight, once I got to the Dairy Queen.
     I ordered a small cone instead of a large.
     Baby steps... that's what I need... baby steps.