Funny Guy Friday… Seventeen days of torture...

    We have a friend who had great success losing weight on "the 17 day diet.'' She posted photos of her meals on facebook and chronicled her weight loss daily. As she dropped the weight….and looked like she did when she was eighteen….she became a Pied Piper of sorts. Women all over the world joined in and started their own "17 day diet." Maybe not all over the world but a lot of women she knows have been inspired.
    One of those women following the crowd off of the cliff is my wonderful wife. Although, I think that she is as beautiful as ever, she advised us that she was going take part in the diet plan and get back to her regular weight. On a side note, I love when people say they are getting back to their regular weight as if the extra weight they have been carrying for the past ten years was not their regular weight. 
     Great, that sounds nice, but won't it be difficult having to make two meals every night? You know... the diet meal that you will eat and the regular, you know….meal that I am going to still get to eat….because I don't need to lose weight……and neither do you, but you said you wanted to... sooooo how's this going to work for me?
     Well, she told me how it was going to work for me and it will work something like this: She will make one meal and I will eat that meal….in fact, all of us will eat that meal. It will be turkey, chicken or fish. It will have lots of vegetables and fruit. It will not have red meat. It will not have breads or pasta. It will not have cereals, cookies, cakes, puddings, ice cream or any other sugar vehicle. It will not have sodas, sweet tea or milk. She further advised that she has been told that every couple that she knows that goes on this diet... the husband loses weight much faster than the wife, so it will really work for me. She tells me that if I give her seventeen days, my life will never be the same.
     I DO NOT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND I LIKE MY LIFE JUST THE WAY IT IS!
     I am not saying that I eat healthy. In fact, I do not. I rarely eat breakfast and if I do it is either eggs (all of the egg and not just the white part), french toast or pancakes with sides of bacon or sausage and potatoes---I love potatoes. Lunch is typically from a fast food restaurant complete with fries and a large Dr.Pepper. If someone bakes a cake at work, I may partake, but not always. For dinner, I will eat whatever Cheryl makes and I will follow that up with a bowl of cereal. Dessert cereal, if you will... Captain Crunch, Cocoa Puffs or maybe Frosted Flakes. Been doing that since I was a kid. If I do not have a bowl of cereal, I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a tall glass of milk.
    I am not saying that I won't keel over and die one day as a result of a heart attack, but I am saying that I do not put on weight. Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (chocolate is not on the diet, by the way) I have been blessed with the Golden Ticket, and that would be good genetics. Not sure why some people put on weight and others do not, but God has His plan. I am not sure what His plan is for me but I fully anticipate having to squeeze into a tight space someday to save some poor child trapped in a cave.
    Anyway, I advised Cheryl that I will play her little reindeer diet games. Like every game, we have rules. Let's review some of the rules, shall we:
    Initially, I was informed that I could eat all the fruits and vegetables that I please. Great, I love fruit and we have bananas, watermelon, and pineapple. I love bananas, watermelon and pineapple. On day one, I enjoyed a nice banana for breakfast and another at night for a nice healthy snack before bed. Cheryl then advised that there is to be no fruit after 2:00 p.m and that bananas are off the list. I can get no explanation on the 2:00 rule but apparently, bananas are too high in sugar…. as are watermelon and pineapple. As far as your typical house fruits go, this leaves apples and oranges. I don't care for apples and can get tired of oranges pretty fast. And it turns out that I can only eat two fruits a day and not an unlimited supply, so now I have to choke down an apple twice a day before the clock strikes 2:00 p.m.
     She told me I could eat as many vegetables as I like. Terrific, can we bake potatoes or mash the potatoes or better yet, fry them up with some onions and olive oil for a yummy breakfast treat? As you know, I love potatoes. Potatoes, as it turns out are off the diet. Last time I looked, potato was a vegetable. I would like further review on the potato violation.
    No dairy is allowed except yogurt. But not the regular yogurt that we buy when it goes on sale. No we have to eat a special kind of expensive yogurt made by a company that I am sure sponsors the "17 day diet." That's okay, I like yogurt and this stuff cannot be that much different than the yogurt that I like, can it? Oh, it can! Think of sour cream with some fruit at the bottom and you have the healthy stuff.
    And then there is the water rule. Eight glasses of water a day plus some hot tea. No idea why hot tea gets special treatment but I am welcoming the tea because I have a chance to get some caffeine in me. I have never drunk eight glasses of anything a day in my entire life. I drink water after working out, but it is not my go-to beverage. Last week, I jokingly asked my sister-in-law to donate her remaining kidney to me if I ever needed it. Well let me tell you, my kidneys are working overtime and at this rate, I may need her to take me up on that request.
    Last night, we went out with several couples for drinks, and by drinks, I mean hot tea---alcohol is a no-no. As is often the case, someone ordered wings----chicken wings, so I thought I had a chance. Cheryl said no, but I could eat the celery. Can I put peanut butter on the celery? Again, a big fat NO! Then what is the point of eating celery if you can't add a little peanut butter? The fact of the matter is that I wasn't even hungry but I am so used to grabbing whatever I want and eating it, and I, I, I…….WANTED TO GRAB A WING AND EAT IT.
     I have also been rejected on my request to eat popcorn. I argued that it is corn, a vegetable, only heated and popped. How is that off the diet? I have been rejected on Frosted Mini Wheats. Again, I argued it has the word wheat in it and it is small, that has to be a good combination. Apparently, there is sugar in the frosted part. Who knew?
     As it turns out, I can apply one simple diet rule in the event I cannot get a hold of Cheryl and it is this: If I like it, it is not on the diet.
     This same rule does not apply to things that Cheryl enjoys. It seems that the creamer that she puts in her coffee is not dairy and does not contain sugar. In fairness, she has asked for the low sugar version of this non-dairy milk product.
     I always thought that I had great will power, and that if I had to go on a diet, it would be no problem. But then I recalled the talk that once I gave as a guest speaker at a drug recovery program. Once a month, I go to address the various legal issues that addictions can lead to. This one particular day was during Lent, when I had given up soda and caffeine. As part of my talk, I always tell the folks that I have never been addicted to anything and it is hard for me to understand that a person could give up so much in their lives by abusing drugs or alcohol. The room was full of people addicted to alcohol, cocaine, heroine and opiates. As I was making this point, someone opened up a can of Pepsi and I stopped in mid-sentence and said, Ooooh I would kill for a Dr. Pepper right now! 
     This made me chuckle and it made me lose all credibility with the group. Fortunately, or perhaps more accurately, unfortunately, there is a different room full of people every month.
    So here is my final verdict of the "17 day diet" and every other temporary diet plan: You can lose weight by cutting out sweets, sodas, breads, etc. but once the diet is over, and you reintroduce those foods back into your meals, the weight will come back. You need to exercise and change your entire lifestyle. You can occasionally eat the bad stuff but in moderation----unless of course you have the Golden Ticket. But even with the Golden Ticket, you need to eat healthier so you can live longer and be there for that kid in the cave.
     So my family and I are all in, and I am hopeful that in the next seventeen days, we will learn that turkey burgers are okay, that water is a better option than Dr. Pepper (ouch) and that green peppers are a better snack than potato chips ….which by the way, I lobbied hard for as a potential vegetable before realizing that all potatoes are off the plan.
    It is a life changing decision and we have decided that we will eat healthy! So there you have it.
    What's that? The Super Bowl is next week? And it is in the middle of the seventeen days? Wow, this could be tough. No wings, no subs, no chili, no chips, dips or sodas? What kind of loving wife and mother makes her family start a diet the week of the Super Bowl?
     Well, I have done some research and it turns out that it is actually healthy to go off a diet every now and again to help the body adapt to the new foods. It makes sense, like using methadone to get off of heroine. I like it!
     Okay, my family is all in for the "18 day diet." Eighteen days and our lives will never be the same.