Funny Guy Friday... Cursed balloons!

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark... So, I married a funny guy...
     This past Sunday, I left the house early to take my mother to her 9:30 church service. This allowed me to arrive early to our 10:00 mass. I saved a pew and waited for Cheryl and the kids to arrive. They strolled in a few minutes later, and, as usual, Cheryl entered the church with a pleasant smile on her face.
     After mass, friends of ours approached Cheryl and commented that she must not be human because nothing ever seems to bother her. She is always happy and always has a smile on her face.
     For the most part, they are correct.
     I mean... not much seems to bother her. But, she is, in fact, human.
     This I know for sure. I mean... I am pretty sure! But I did find out this week that stuff does bother her.
     Until recently, I thought there was only one thing that ever got her upset. That thing, of course, is me. She has often commented that it really bothers her when I react so harshly when things don't go exactly my way. 
     A perfect example occurred a few years ago when our Christmas tree fell and several meaningful ornaments were destroyed. I was picking up the mess and perhaps using a few teensy weensy bad words, when Cheryl came on the scene. She asked what had happened, as if the big tree lying in the living room wasn't an obvious clue.
     I told her that it was pretty evident what had happened, and she could help clean the mess. Now, admittedly, there may have been some inappropriate verbiage involved in my command. Cheryl responded by turning around and going upstairs to watch TV.
     I called her on my drive into work and she asked me if I called to apologize.
     No, I called to tell you that I am normal and you are not.
      Needless to say, it was a short conversation.
      Anyway, up until now, I was the catalyst to all of her bad moods. But then came the great balloon debacle of 2012.
      It all started on Monday, when Grace turned sixteen. I took off work, and we planned a day of fun and festivity. We started at the bowling alley where Cheryl is always very steady. On this particular day, she was off of her game. Every ball she rolled went off to the left and when she over corrected, everything rolled off to the right. This clearly frustrated her but she maintained her calm demeanor and managed to laugh about it.
      Fortunately, I was outstanding, so no problems from me. No siree, no hissy fits from me that would somehow irritate her. I was on my best behavior. Did I mention that I was outstanding? Perhaps my awesomeness was a little unnerving for her, but I have been awesome before and it never seemed to bother her.
     After bowling, we dropped Grace and her friend off at the nail salon for a pedicure. While at the nail salon, Cheryl told me that we were going to the Party Store to get hundreds of balloons and line the streets for Gracie. 
      I have purchased balloons on many occasions, and one problem with helium balloons is that they take up a bunch of space. Getting hundreds of balloons into a Honda Pilot was never going to happen and when I pointed this out to Cheryl, she understood... but she was uncharacteristically very disappointed.
     We agreed to purchase sixteen balloons. Difficult to transport, but not impossible.
     After carefully selecting her sixteen balloons in just the right mix of colors, we had them filled with helium and were then ready to transport them home.
     Funny thing about balloons. Sometimes they burst.
     As we attempted to get them into the back of the Pilot, one of the balloons touched the hot metal of the vehicle and burst. Drats! Cheryl responded. Drats is about as harsh as she gets.
     Then a second balloon burst eliciting a shrilly scream. I asked... in a totally, non offensive tone... What's your problem?  
     That startled me.  
     Really? A second balloon burst while we were putting them in the car and this startled her?
     She wasn't startled. She was mad.
     We then decided to put them in the car from the side door instead of the back. Good idea, but not fool proof. A third balloon burst.
     Then it happened! I have been married to Cheryl for more than twenty years, and I can honestly say that I have never heard her use a curse word in anger. In fact, I cannot recall a time when she used a curse word even in a joking manner. She has claimed that her father never cursed because it showed a lack of imagination. 
     I never really subscribed to that theory. In fact, I have both heard and used several curse words in some very imaginative ways... complete sentences with verbs, adjectives and adverbs. I am not proud of this fact... well, maybe there were times when I was a little proud... but I don't think that I am outside the norm.
     Anyway, as the third balloon popped, Cheryl blurted out: SHOOT! 
     Only she did not say shoot. Substitute the two vowels in the middle with a single vowel and I think you get the picture.  
     I must admit, I was shocked. First time in twenty years.
     I honestly thought that when Cheryl did curse, it would be in a slow motion, drawn out kind of way... like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, when he was helping his dad change the tire.
     But this was fast, and she meant business.
     I was scared, so I did what every coward does when they are scared. I immediately ran back into the store to buy three more balloons. I did not even think that I was leaving my two, young, impressionable sons alone in the car with this wild woman. Frankly, I did not care... it was every man for himself.
     When I got back to the car, I first confirmed that I had, in fact, heard what I thought that I had heard. The boys nodded and confirmed, with eyes wide open, looking straight ahead so as not to further provoke the beast. Then I tried to ease the tension by telling Cheryl that the lady at the counter was startled because she had heard some gun shots and a lady screaming. I was able to ease the woman's fears and explain that it was just our balloons... and my wife.
     Cheryl was not amused... and continued to stare straight ahead.
     Then I told her, and I quote... You know it is very off-putting and a bit unnerving when you overreact to things that don't go exactly your way. 
     This did get a reaction. I would point out that her response did not lack imagination... However, it did not include any more filthy language from my beautiful bride.
     I guess I need to wait another twenty years for that.