Funny Guy Friday... A toast to the bride and groom...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     My nephew Adam got married last weekend, and like most of our family weddings, it was a beautiful celebration. It had one huge glitch that we will get to in a moment, but in the meantime...
     The wedding was held on the shady lawn at a country club... overlooking the water... on a picture perfect 85 degree October day. The minister spoke of the sanctity of the sacrament... and that the bride and groom will change and be refined during the marriage... that fifty percent of the bride and groom die as a result.
     I turned to Cheryl and mentioned that it feels like I've died about ninety-two percent since we were wed. Surprisingly she agreed... and then added. "Only eight percent to go."
     She is a quick one, that Cheryl.    
     The reception was held afterward at the grand ballroom.
     It started with the typical meet and greet in a gathering space that backed out to a patio and yard, complete with corn hole and other yard games. This is always the best opportunity to catch up with those friends and family that we don't get to see nearly enough. If our family were a college football team, we would score a lot of good bowl invitations because we travel well. If there's a family wedding, we show up in large numbers.
     Adam happens to be the last of seven siblings to get married, and in attendance were his six brothers and sisters and their children, eight aunts and uncles, about sixteen cousins, his folks, and of course Grandma.
     Noah commented that our family will win every wedding that we attend.
     After about a half hour of mingling, we were escorted into the dining room where the table decorations were "unique and cool." I'm not sure what they looked like because those are the details that get lost on a person like me... that is, a member of the male species. However, Cheryl advised that the tables were decorated exquisitely... so I'll take her word for it.
     We took our seats and waited for the the wedding party to be announced.
     Adam looked as happy as I had ever seen him, and his bride, Sarah, was never more beautiful. All was good, and then Adam's brother Joshua got up to give the toast. Remember that little glitch that I spoke of? Well, this is when things started to take a downward spiral.
     The toast started out okay, which was a little surprising given Josh's history of unintelligible thoughts and ideas. He spoke of his younger brother's shortcomings and their family's prediction that he might have never gotten married. He then reminded Adam of the many great examples of marriage that he had witnessed over the years.
     Specifically, he mentioned my father, his own father... and me. Well... not exactly me by name... but he mentioned how their uncles have all had long, successful marriages. My marriage is the best of the group, so I can only assume he was talking about me... but he couldn't exactly have singled me out and mentioned me by name, could he? Of course not, that would have been in poor taste.
     Josh then welcomed Sarah, who has one brother, into our large family.
     He explained that it can be difficult coming into a big family like ours... with all of our little idiosyncrasies. I nodded in agreement because you wouldn't believe the crazy stuff that some of our other family members have done in the past. Josh specifically mentioned his own mother. You can imagine how a mother of seven can be... always being in charge, always getting her way, controlling every situation to her liking.
     I love you Pammie, but you know I speak the truth... and to be frank, you deserved the good natured ribbing.
     Suddenly, things took a dramatic turn for the worse. Josh started droning on and on about how whenever my nephews would start dating a girl, there was always a time when they had to decide if  the time was right to take the girls over to Uncle Mark's house.
     I thought this was a bit odd... taking a shot at my beautiful wife. I mean, nobody knows better than I how difficult she can be, but being the exemplary husband that I am, I never mentioned it to anyone. Was it really that obvious? Did they really dread meeting Aunt Cheryl?
     Josh then continued on about how Uncle Mark has a tendency to make fun of people's mistakes. How one simple mistake can be fodder for a lifetime of ridicule.
     Wait one second here, this toast was fine when you called out your own mother... and it was okay as long as you were going to talk about how Aunt Cheryl was the nut job... but now people might get the wrong idea that somehow I am the crazy uncle.
     Hmm... they might think it... because YOU SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED ME BY NAME. You failed to mention me by name when you were talking about the great husbands, and now, all of the sudden, you are naming names? Did we forget that that's in poor taste?
     How did I become the last leg of the marriage gauntlet that all contestants must pass through before accepting the invitation to join the family?
     Then he said the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
     You know it is not so bad when you grow up around him, and he makes fun of the things you say and do... but if you're new and you don't know him, he is just some STRANGE, OLD GUY who makes fun of things that you say and do.
     I am supposed to toast to this? No way, Jack!
     I put my glass down in protest.
     Then I started thinking... Josh and his three brothers are now married, and all four of them are lucky to have had me as part of the overall screening process. Maybe I poke fun at the things their wives have done... but if they can't stand the heat, don't bother coming into our family's kitchen. My nephews need to realize this... to quote the great Jack Nicholson... You want me on that wall... you need me on that wall!
     I mean, is it my fault that one of the gals forgot the words to the National Anthem? Sure, she has a beautiful voice, but if she can't remember the words, what good is she?
     And is it my fault that one of them didn't knock when she entered into a bathroom stall... and walked in on my brother's wife? Have you ever heard of knocking? Then she just stood there with nothing but toilet paper in her hand and started blubbering about how she hoped that the woman sitting there with her skirt around her knees was not Uncle Mark's wife!
     And finally, is it my fault that one of them never met a party that she didn't like... and oh, by the way... would dump her husband in a New York minute if she ever had the opportunity to date a Washington Redskin?
     The answer to all of these questions is no, it is not my fault. And these boys should thank me for weeding out the weak ones. Who wants to be married to some woman that can't take a silly little joke?
     People who don't have a sense of humor are not worth keeping around.
     Now... back to that stupid little toast...
     I am neither strange nor old. And now that I think about it, I like my sister-in-law Pammie, and Josh was wrong to poke fun at her. She is none of those things that I said earlier. She is never in charge, she never gets her way, and she never tries to control anything.
     In fact, Josh, after your silly ol' toast, I took a little family poll. You might be interested to know that if for some reason we ever have to choose between our actual nephews and their lovely brides... the nephews lose.
     And another thing... each of your lovely wives had the opportunity to meet me before you asked them to marry you, and each of them still decided to accept your stupid proposals. As fate would have it, they have each been wonderful wives, and they have produced adorable and charming children... no thanks to you boys.
     You are welcome.
     Now back to the wedding.
     The reception was awesome. Great people, great food, great music... and a lot of dancing.... especially my man, Noah.
     With the glaring exception of the toast, every little detail was perfect.
     We welcome Sarah into our family, and I will leave her with these two bits of advice... First, always have a great sense of humor, you will need it. Second, never do anything stupid in front of Josh because he will never let you forget about it.
     We wish Adam and Sarah a lifetime of God's blessings.