Funny Guy Friday... If you ever think of suing us, think again...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     The last few weeks have been tough on my relationship with my daughter Grace. It all started with some girl in New Jersey suing her parents.
     In case you haven't heard, some 18-year-old girl moved out of her parents' home and in with a friend. She then sued her parents, requesting that they continue to finance her private school education and, in essence, pay her support.
     The case has received a great deal of publicity, and, unfortunately, some of the letters that this young  woman wrote to, and about, her mother were made public.
     Now, I know there are two sides to every story, and there may be some great reason for this kid to sue her parents... or write awful things about her mom. The problem is... I can't think of any. And worse for Grace, I could not think of a single reason why Grace would want to sue Cheryl and me.
     I decided to let Grace know exactly how I felt about this whole situation as she sat in front of the TV in a semi-comatose state.
     Let me be very clear about this... if you ever even think about suing me or your mother, you better think long and hard about what would happen. If you think for one second, that I would ever support you in any way after that dog and pony show, you are out of your mind. I don't have all the money in the world, but I am happy to provide for all of your needs, including a college education, a wedding, and whatever support you may need. But the second the ink is dry on your complaint, all that stops! I don't care if some idiot judge orders me to give you money, you ain't getting it. You get nothing... nothing for school... nothing for your wedding... nothing when I die. That's right, I am worth millions dead, and you won't even sniff one red cent... NOT ONE PENNY! The boys get it all! Oh, and one more thing, you write terrible things about your mother, you might end up requiring surgery to get my foot out of your rear end! Are we clear? You ungrateful little...
     Grace looked up and realizing the error of her ways said... Huh? What? What did I do? 
     Did you hear about this girl in New Jersey? 
     What girl? 
     An 18-year-old girl sued her parents.
     What does that have to do with me?
     You're 17... and... you know... you're a girl... and you're 17.
     Are you really mad at me because some girl in New Jersey sued her parents?
     Yes. As a matter of fact, I am. But that's not the only thing... there is other stuff, I just can't think of it right now because I am so mad about the stupid law suit you might file.  
     But a law suit was not the only thing that Grace may have been contemplating recently. She wants to get a tattoo. A tattoo. Can you believe that?
     Actually, she doesn't really say she wants a tattoo. But she does say that she doesn't think it's the worst thing you could do and that there isn't anything wrong with getting a tattoo. In my mind, that's the same as saying she wants a tattoo.
     What is wrong with her?  What has Cheryl done to my baby girl?
     Again, I made my position clear...
     Here are your options, carnival girl: Option 1... I pay for your college. Option 2... I pay for your tattoo and then I am done paying for anything else. You decide. 
     What if I get it and don't tell you about it?
     This just about made my head explode!
     I will find out and when I do, you are on your own. Remember the college, wedding and all that other stuff? Remember how much I am worth when I die? NOT ONE PENNY!
     Perhaps Gracie's just "poking the bear" to see the bear's reaction. But I am not taking any chances. She gets a tattoo, the bear will deprive her of all of his honey!
     Now you may see a pattern developing. Some people may think that as my kids grow up and make decisions on their own, I will try to influence those decisions with my financial resources. That I will try to control my kids with my money.
     Those people would be correct.
     Some people might say that this is the wrong approach.
     Who cares what they think!
     And I would say to those people: You do with your money what you and your inked up, litigious children want... and I will do what I want. And I will do it with a clear conscience, fully cognizant that it may not be fair to my children.
     I have told this story before, but several years ago, when my nephew made the Washington Post All-Met baseball team for the second year in a row, he was invited, for the second year in a row, to attend a breakfast to honor the athletes. He was scheduled to go to the beach with his girlfriend's family that same day, and my brother told him that he could decide what he would do. When my nephew informed my brother he was going to go to the beach, my brother told him that he was going to the breakfast. When my nephew reminded him that he had given him the choice, my brother told my nephew that he had given him the opportunity to make the right choice and since he did not, my brother made the correct choice for him,
     I love that story and have incorporated that style and attitude into my own parenting.
     If my kids don't do the right thing on their own, I will make them do the right thing... or I will do what I can to force them into doing the right thing. I will give them the opportunity to make decisions for themselves... before I step in and make them make the right decision... for all of us.
     Simple really.
     The fact of the matter is that I really don't have a ton of cash lying around. I mean we are doing okay, but in reality, the only person that will ever really be fat with cash is Cheryl... and that only happens when I am dead and gone! But what I do have, I will use any way I see fit.
     In a follow up to the tattoo discussion, Grace told me that if/when she does get a tattoo, she will get one that says "Dad."
     How ironic. You will have a tattoo that says "Dad," but you will no longer have a dad that will speak with you! 
     Grinning this whole time, Grace teased that maybe she already had a tattoo.
     Now that I think about it, if Grace really did have a tattoo, I would probably keel over and die of a heart attack as soon as I saw it. Grace would have her tattoo and Cheryl would have her cash.  They both might consider this a win/win.
     This is not good.
     You know, I would like to change something: I would not die of a heart attack; I would die of a broken heart. That's right, a broken heart. Poor old man killed by a heedless, impulsive, unnecessary act by his ungrateful daughter.
     Sad, so sad. Hard to believe that Grace would do such a thing to her dear ol' dad. Some day, you would hope that with the passage of time and some therapy, Grace would be able to forgive herself. Of course, her silly "Dad" tattoo will always be a constant reminder of me... and how she killed me!
     As you can see, money isn't the only thing I will use to get my kids to do the right thing. Guilt will do in a pinch!