Funny Guy Friday... What happens on the patio... stays on the patio...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     This past Saturday night, Cheryl and Gracie went out with a bunch of women to see a movie called Mom's Night Out. I found it kind of curious that fifty women could all manage to go out together on the same evening... the night before Mother's Day, no less.
     That same night, Matthew was invited to a party... by a girl. A friend of his from church.
     I found great delight in teasing him about this event. Should I come in to meet your girlfriend's parents? What does her father do? Maybe after a few months dating he can get you a job! I think this "party" will just be the two of you and a few of her parent's friends sitting around the table sipping coffee talking about how they met! How did you two love birds meet?  
      I did wind up walking him to the door, but before we got close, three girls squealed Matthew is here! Turns out he had no idea who the girls were, but somehow, they knew him. In a sign of the times, the girl hosting the party had a photo of herself and three boys, including Matthew, from their Confirmation class as a screen saver on her phone. I understand why she would want the other two guys... but Matthew? ...as a screen saver? C'mon, sweetheart, you can do better than that.
     I had to laugh as we approached the girl's door.
     Typically, Matthew will kiss me good bye. On this day... with five teenage girls staring on... he just turned, waved his hand and told me I could go now. No kiss, no handshake, no nothing. He wanted no parts of his dear old dad.
     This is all understandable.
     Matthew turned fourteen last week, and he is getting older and entering into what my brother has dubbed "the lonely chicken" phase of life. That age where you slink off to your room and hang by yourself... or stay home when everyone else goes out to the store/mall/post office, etc. But you always have time for friends.
     And boy, do Matthew's friends do some fun stuff. He used to always have time for me. We still hang out... but not like we used to. Now he has what I like to refer to as "a life."
     Speaking of having a life... Grace is going to be 18 later this summer and is officially a baby woman.
     In fact, Cheryl's friends like Gracie better than they like Cheryl. This is not a new phenomenon for Cheryl because her sisters have been stealing her friends for years. You know how this works: Cheryl invites one of her sisters to go out with her and her friends, and the next thing you know, the friends are calling her sisters for a good time. I can't say I blame them... I've often said that had I met the sisters first, I would have made them fall in love with me instead. Oh well, that is all water under the bridge.
     So, Cheryl and Gracie were out hanging with what I affectionately referred to as their "girl posse," and Matthew was hanging out with I teasingly referred to as his "girl posse," and what was I left with?
     My. boy. Noah.
     Men... just hanging out... being men.
     What do men do, you ask? Men build fires. Big roaring fires in the fire pit.
     Okay, full disclosure... Noah brought me a Dura-Log and asked if we could hang out on the front patio. I am embarrassed to say, it took me thirty minutes to get the Dura-Log up and running.
     What else do men do? Men drink beer... while... while some men just get sips of beer. And after every sip, they make a goofy face because they really don't love the taste of beer and they wipe their mouths with their sleeves and they mutter, Mmmm... that's some good beer! in their best pirate voice.
     Okay, again, full disclosure... that was me making the goofy faces, wiping my mouth on my sleeve and muttering silly pirate quips.
     What else do men do besides sitting around the fire drinking beer? We have marshmallow roasting contests and video game contests (because everything is a competition), and we make fun of the other family members that had the audacity to go out and leave us on the front patio to fend for ourselves. I may not have been very good at starting the fire... I may not have been very good at drinking the beer... I may not have won the marshmallow roasting contest or the video game competition... but I was quite good at making fun of our absent family members.
     I cannot repeat what was said because, as I told Noah, What is said on the front patio... stays on the front patio! I can disclose, though, that there were at least a text or two to Matthew... who we affectionately dubbed Loverboy for the entire evening.
     I thought I had saved my best barbs for Cheryl, but apparently, Noah had other things on his mind. Instead of razzing his mom... as he had done with Matthew and Gracie... he thoughtfully mentioned that we had not gotten anything for her yet for Mother's Day. This was true; we hadn't. You know what else was true? It was a quarter past nine at night, and the only store I could think of that would be open was Home Depot. On a side note, there were other stores open, but we are men. And men go to Home Depot.
     Anyway, off to Home Depot we went.
     Upon entering, after savoring that pungent lumber smell for a moment or two, we set about finding Mom the perfect gift. Noah immediately spotted a pink sun hat that he knew his mother would love. I was not sold on the hat, but we agreed that Cheryl does indeed enjoy a good seaside coverup. She would dress like a mummy if she could get away with it. And it's about time for her to give her go-to pashmina/burka-look a rest. The hat went in the cart.
     I tried to convince Noah that Mom would like a new lawn mower... a big one with a 30-inch mowing deck, so Mom could mow the yard with ease. He was not convinced.
     Oh, but he thought that the deck furniture set looked nice. It comes with cushions and pillows!
     I noted that it was a little over budget, and in no way would it affect the amount of time it takes to mow the yard. Other than that, it was a great idea. Noah shrewdly pointed out that the deck furniture was actually less expensive than the mower... and... Dad, we all know, she will never mow the yard. Dang!
     We went with the deck furniture.
     But not just the deck furniture. While sitting on the front patio, we had earlier hatched a plan to prepare a delicious dinner for her. Deck furniture and a yummy meal under the stars! Yes, we would sit at at our new outdoor table, under the new big umbrella (sold separately, of course), and enjoy our Mother's Day feast.
     7 p.m. sharp!
     Unless, of course, the furniture needed assembling... which it did!
     Usually, whenever assembly is required, Cheryl reads through the instructions while I do the assembling. Mind you, it is not always in that order, but we seem to make it work. Because this was a surprise for Cheryl, I had to rely on Grace to read the instructions.
      Public Service Announcement: Don't ever rely on a seventeen-year-old girl in the midst of prom drama to read the directions. She will tend to be distracted. You're welcome.
      Noah, Loverboy, and I finally figured it out. It was quite a learning curve. The first chair took an hour to put together, and the next five took twenty-five minutes. I am proud to say... I never used the directions until about thirty minutes into it. Hey, wait a second... what if I had just... forget about that... all you need to know is that Noah insisted we eat off our new furniture... so dinner was at 9 p.m.
     Not to toot my own horn... but... it was worth the wait!
     I can't take all the credit because the kids chipped in, but... you know... if not for me... there would not be any kids to chip in so... yes... I can take all the credit. We had a great time dining at the new outdoor furniture, by a crackling outdoor fire.
     These are the best of times for me.
     I love when it's time to wrap up the evening, and all three kids insist they don't want to go because they are having such a good time just sitting around talking. That, or they don't really want to clean up. Either way, these are the best of times.
     So... who would have thought? Everyone goes out and leaves Noah and me to fend for ourselves... and we do nothing but plan a perfect night for us all to be together.
     Okay, we may have done a few other things, but I can't really go into all of the details... because we all know... what happens on the front patio... stays on the front patio!