Funny Guy Friday... Just like when I was in school...

    Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
    They rescheduled Matthew's back-to-school night this past Tuesday. It had been cancelled last week due to a gas leak.
    To be honest, I go to these things not because I want to but for two other reasons. First, as a parent, I should go. Second, as an award-winning writer of a weekly column... I need material.
    Okay, I am not an award-winning writer... but someday... maybe.
    So, with hopes of hearing teachers tell me what a knucklehead my oldest son is... I happily entered the halls of Archbishop Spalding High School.
    "Happily" is probably not the right word, since I asked Cheryl if it were too late to call in another gas leak. She reminded me that you can't actually "call in" a gas leak.
    So be it... Let the fun begin.
    Let me start by saying that I kind of envy Matthew.
    He has jumped into high school with both feet. He is playing fall baseball, playing ultimate frisbee, and has even signed up for the ping pong club. He has made a slew of new friends... both of the male and the non-male persuasion. He goes to football games, bops around from group to group, and yells until he loses his voice. He is all in and enjoying every minute of it.
    Back in the day, I was kind of the same way, except I only dipped my toe in.
    I played baseball all three years of high school but was never totally confident I would even make the team... which was just dumb because I was a captain as a junior. Talk about a lack of confidence. I also did not go out of my way to meet people, and I did not really see that much of the friends that I did have.
    And the girls? Forget about it! And I don't mean "forget about it" in that macho Italian mafioso voice. I mean forget about it... as in, it wasn't happening. I was pretty shy. Especially in my first year!
     And as much as I loved sports, I only went to a handful of football games in three years. When I did go, I usually just sat at the top of the bleachers and watched... Embarrassed to show any emotion.
    Despite all that... thinking back... I was kind of a big deal... in a weird sort of way. Like Captain America. Only, more like Steve Rogers before the juice.
    Anyway, as Cheryl and I entered the Spalding parking lot, I noted that there were presumably two parents for every kid. For half of these kids, the parents were arriving in separate cars. Even if 25% of the parents were complete no-shows, there was not going to be any place to park. Who planned this fiasco?
    Fortunately, we were able to triple park.
    At this point, I would like to take a second to offer a sincere apology to the owner of the Toyota Camry that we blocked in. But you have to understand... they overbooked this thing.
    We started in Matthew's homeroom, which made sense.
    What doesn't make sense is that Matthew actually goes to homeroom after second period. In my humble opinion, this would make homeroom... third period. I would have loved this when I was in high school because I was late for homeroom almost every day. I would have never been late had I not had to report until 9:30 a.m.
    As we entered that first classroom, we were greeted by a parent that was very excited to see us. I gave him a hardy hand shake and he gave Cheryl a big hug. As we took our seats behind him, he turned to a parent that was seated in front of him and reported that we are practically family. 
    Those were his exact words... practically family. This made me feel really good that this guy, this other brother, if you will, would consider us like family.
    Here is the problem... I had no idea who he was. I played along with the charade because I knew that Cheryl would know the guy.
    Nope. She had no idea. I mean... she knew she knew him... but for the life of her, she could not place him.
    Awkward.
    I was getting that same uneasy feeling that I got back in high school.
    Cheryl and I just stared at each other and wondered who it was that we were hugging. I was not going to be able to concentrate on Matthew's faults and foibles until I figured this out.
    Five minutes into homeroom, it came to Cheryl... husband of a good family friend. Great. But then all I could think about was that his wife was also at the school in a different car. Probably driving that Toyota we blocked in.
    I enjoyed homeroom, and despite warnings over the intercom that these ten-minute classes were not opportunities to have parent/teacher conferences, Cheryl insisted that we meet each teacher after class. These meetings were going to add to what I was already anticipating being a long night. On the
bright side, it would give me the opportunity to hear about my goofy son.
    Unfortunately, Matthew's homeroom teacher gave us nothing but positive feedback.
    This was the beginning of a trend.
    We met teacher after teacher, and they all had nice things to say about him. In fact, instead of getting good stories about Matthew, I found myself getting overwhelmed by his classes. It seemed to me that each class required a great deal of effort, and Matthew never seems to be doing much of anything.
    How is this possible? I was convinced that he must be failing every class.
    Cheryl figured out how to log in and check his grades, and it turns out he is doing pretty well.
    I know that I would be failing every class... except keyboarding. For those of you that are older than forty... keyboarding is just a fancy name for typing. I took typing in high school, and I can still rap it out pretty goof, er uh goos, I mean good.
    By the way, I remember that typing class because I was a sophomore, and despite my shyness, there was a beautiful senior girl that could not resist me. She used to wait for me to walk her from typing to her next class. I was pretty cool, if I say so myself... and I do... often.
    Turns out she was just using me to get to my older brother. Well, the joke was on her because she ended up marrying him. Ha!
    What's that you say? Keyboarding is just the first part of the class, and then we have to learn about the hard drive? What's the hard drive? Then we need to run a program?
    When we sat down, I noticed that there was that metal computer box thing on the table with all of its guts all over the table. The teacher said that the kids were learning about the inside of the computer... what makes it work.
    I always thought it was magic.
    Okay, I suppose that I would bomb out of that class, too.
    Even if I understood all of this stuff, I would still fail every class. Each teacher advised that students no longer hand anything in. You do the work on your device and then you drop it into the teacher's drop box. 
    And every teacher warned that if it is not in the drop box by the designated time, your son or daughter will receive a zero. 
    This is all very stupid to me. I would never sleep worrying whether or not I had dropped my work into the right box at the right time.
    Remember, all I know how to do is type.
    About halfway through back-to-school night, I made the very uncomfortable discovery that Matthew is fine... I am the idiot in our family. I would never survive in today's high school.
    I barely survived my own high school. In fact, if you think about it, I was the high school knucklehead. I was a shy, uncomfortable teen that was either (a) delusional in thinking that some senior girl would want to hang out with me, or (b) just a pawn in that vixen's tricky little game of love. Looking back, neither really makes me look like the stud that I recall... and speak so fondly of.
    Well, here is the silver lining to the night.
    I got to roam the halls of Spalding with the prettiest girl in the school. In fact, at one point, as we strolled along, trying to find the cafeteria to buy some pizza burgers and tater tots, I put my arm around her and slipped my hand into her back pocket. We walked clumsily along in that position for several seconds, if I recall. Completely starry-eyed. Reminiscent of all those cool couples from back in the day.
    And get this, once we finally got out of that parking lot, I took that girl out for a beer. I even got a kiss good night.
    Yep, no doubt about it... I was pretty cool.
    Just the way I remember it back in high school!