Funny Guy Friday... You never studied...

    Appear weak when you are strong... and strong when you are weak.
    The Art of War is an ancient Chinese military treatise attributed to Sun Tzu, a high ranking military general, strategist, and tactician. The text is compiled of thirteen chapters, each of which is devoted to one aspect of warfare. For the last 2000 years, it has remained the most influential military treatise in Asia and has had an influence on Eastern and Western military thinking, business tactics, legal strategies, and beyond.
     My man Sun Tzu was one tough dude. And I bet that he had the mental advantage in every single battle over every single opponent... except one.
     Mrs. Sun Tzu.  
     You see, I have come to the realization that women, of which my wife is one, can be... how can I say this without offending anyone... diabolical masters in the art of confusion.
     Sun Tzu would not last three rounds with Cheryl.
     Now to be clear, I am not talking about Cheryl's arguing skills, which by the way, are more than formidable.  Instead, I am talking about her pre-argument head games that put me at an immediate disadvantage once the arguing ensues.
     On the outside, Cheryl appears to be the kindest, nicest, mildest person that God has ever put on this earth. But in reality, she is a mind numbing ninja warrior. Unfortunately, it is my mind that is numbed. It is at those times that I have no idea what to say or what to think... and I am confused and helpless. Like a fly caught in a spider's web... knowing that at some point... I am going to get eaten. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
     But make no mistake; I am going to get eaten.
     This past Sunday, we pulled up in the church parking lot, and like on most Sundays, I dropped Cheryl and the kids off at the door. A woman, whom I had never met, was unloading her children. Cheryl commented that she is whosamajig's sister! 
     Who is whosamajig? 
     You know her... she's got the kids. 
     Lots of women have kids in our church. 
     Theresa... You know Theresa. 
     Ah yes, now I know. I didn't really know, but I was trapped... what was I supposed to say?
     You never studied, she added disgustedly, as she shut her door and headed into Mass.
This is a reference from the movie Ghostbusters. Bill Murray's character never understood anything his colleagues said because he... never studied.
     Cheryl says that a lot to me.
     I drove away to park the car and wondered, How could she possibly be irritated by the possibility that I did not know who that gal was or that she was whosamajig's sister. I mean, she did make a point of pointing her out to me so she assumed I was clueless as to her identity... and that woman certainly did not look like Theresa whosamajig... Whoever that is. My gosh, this is confusing. 
     So... fast forward to Tuesday evening... Matthew and I were moving a freezer from the basement into the garage. I was on the top part of the stairs pulling up on the dolly while Matthew was at the bottom pushing.  We were taking it one step at a time when we got to the top step. I was at a weird angle and could not get my feet under me. The dolly came to rest on on the top step. The problem, was that my finger was caught between the dolly and the step. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I was afraid to let go because, as much as my finger hurt, a freezer smashing my son at the bottom of the steps, would have hurt a lot more.
     Eventually, I extricated myself from the self-inflicted position, and that is when Cheryl, who witnessed the whole episode, asked, Is it heavy?  
     Yeah! Only I did not just say yeah.  I gave a sarcastic chuckle and said, Uh... yeah. 
     Conversation over! You see, she did not just hear me say yeah... She heard me say Hell yeah... duh... of course it was heavy. It is a freezer... Did you not just watch me nearly lose a digit... What kind of stupid question was that? Why are you even here? 
     In fairness, she was partially correct.... I did mean the first part!
     Eventually, I apologized. This is when she told me that she knew it was heavy. What she was really asking was Matthew, is it too heavy for you? Are you okay? 
     Matthew! I nearly lose a finger, and you are worried about Matthew? You're kidding, right?
Only I did not say that... I thought it but did not say it.
     What I did say was Yeah, as I once again chuckled! And with that chuckle, I started the whole thing all over again.
     But still, Cheryl had more Jedi mind tricks up her sleeve.
     On Saturday, we were getting ready to attend a charity dinner. As I was putting the finishing touches on my tux, I asked Cheryl for some help with my cuff links. As I prepared for her to slip the cuff links through the holes in my sleeves, Cheryl mistakenly assumed that I was just rolling my sleeves up. She inquired... What are you doing? 
     I said nothing. I looked at her and continued getting my sleeves ready for presentation for the final cuffing.
     Somehow, this was bothersome to Cheryl. I remind you, that I had said absolutely nothing!
     You could have just said that you were just rolling them up so the holes lined up... you didn't have to do that. 
     I................said..............nothing.
     Despite my silence, I felt bad for my actions.
     How does she do that?
     Clearly, I do not quite understand the Art of War. I appear weak when I am weak... and weak when I am strong!
     I don't think that is right.
     But who knows? Certainly not me.
     I never studied.