I am not the most competitive person in the world.
Don't get me wrong... I want to win when I play a game or enter a contest, but I am not crazy. Having said that, I want my kids to know what it is like to compete. Win or lose, they need to know what it is like to work against other people, to perform under pressure, and to keep their wits about them when the pressure is on.
Matthew is a lot like I am.
When we play against each other, I try... and am often successful at... getting inside his pea brain. He tries to give it back, but he does not understand that, as a white kid growing up playing a lot of basketball, I have heard it all. The only new retorts I've heard from him have something to do with my being an "old man." At least, I think it has something to do with my being old, but it is hard for me to hear because typically he utters this nonsense as I am driving by him for a layup.
Noah, on the other hand, is not cut from the same cloth. He likes to take his time and does not like to be rushed. He crumbles whenever I talk trash.
I know what you are thinking: why is an adult talking trash to a ten-year old? The answer is simple: I want to win.
I know what else you are thinking: can't he just beat his kid one-on-one without talking trash? Well... yes, I can. However, I don't challenge Noah to games of one-on-one. That would be too easy. No, I challenge Noah to drawing contests. I will admit that he is a way better artist than I... but he tends to panic. On occasion, I may point out his every little mistake... or tell him that his mother loves me more... or that he was adopted from the Indians.
No... wait a second... my sister Michel used to tell me that I was adopted by the Indians. I never liked Michel.
Anyway, this past week, Cheryl posted a picture of Zeus that Noah drew.
They are studying mythology, and as part of the lesson, Noah drew a pretty cool picture of Zeus. Of course, people commented and mentioned what a great artist he is... or ... he gets it from his mother.
Whatever.
I had read enough, so I challenged him to an art contest. We each would draw a character from Greek mythology and post the two pictures on facebook... and let our facebook friends decide.
My plan was to get us both in the same room on Sunday afternoon and begin drawing.
In the course of the contest, I would torment Little Picasso and make him as crazy as that ear chopping nutjob Van Gogh (by the way, I just exhausted all of my knowledge about artists... Van Gogh was crazy). This may sound harsh but I was going to render Noah totally incapable of drawing something as simple as a stick figure.
I could taste victory!
On my drive home from work, I decided that I was going to draw Poseidon. He is kind of a cool god and there were limitless possibilities with oceans and ships. I may have even laughed a sinister laugh as I drove home knowing that my little boy would soon be reduced to a bowlful of jelly. The thought of a little bowlful of jelly with a pencil in its little jelly hand amused me!
As I walked through the door, Cheryl asked if I had seen Noah's entry in the contest. Poseidon.
No way, jack... the drawing does not start until Sunday.
I must admit, it was pretty good.
Besides... I am drawing Poseidon... and the contest does not start until Sunday.
It was actually really good.
We have to be in the same room... and we have to draw in the same room... on Sunday!
Both of us drawing on Sunday was crucial to my strategy.
Noah broke in: You never mentioned any of that when you issued the challenge! Poseidon is my entry... you can draw Cupid!
Cupid! Cupid is a sissy in a diaper. I am not drawing Cupid.
When I started to do my research to select the perfect mythological character, I ran into two little problems. Well... considering this was a drawing contest, you could say that there were two big problems. First, all the really cool characters were hard to draw. Second, I really can't draw. I was really putting all of my eggs in the turn him into a Van Gogh crazy jellyman basket.
Ultimately, I selected Atlas. Why Atlas? He is symbolic of my life, what with weight of the world on my shoulders. Kind of ironic because Noah's drawing of Poseidon is symbolic of his life... a day at the beach.
Despite my lack of talent, my rendition of Atlas was a worthy entry into the contest.
In fact, I won by a very large margin.
The facebook vote was eighteen for Noah and two for me. (On a side note to Ray Wander and Bob Higgins: I plan on drawing you both an original piece for Christmas this year. Thank you for your support.)
There were six weenies that could not pick a clear cut winner and refused to cast a vote either way... and one person... that I plan on un-friending... that picked whichever one that I did not draw.
You may be wondering how it is that I won by such a very large margin when the facebook vote was 18-2. Well, not only did I fail to tell Noah that that we were supposed to draw together on Super Sunday, I also failed to mention how I intended to keep score. You see, I know that all the people that could not pick a winner, really wanted to pick my drawing... but were afraid to hurt little Noah's feelings. Those votes go into my column. That brings the score to 18-8. But I am not done yet.
Cheryl has 303 friends. Out of those 303 friends, only 26 cast a vote. That leaves 277 voters that did not cast a vote... because they did not want to hurt Noah's feelings. Those non-votes go into my column. But to be fair, I am only going to count half of those 277, conceding that that approximately half of the voters never saw Cheryl's post announcing that the voting had commenced.
So the final vote was 146.5 for me and 18 for Noah. I don't want to appear to be gloating, so I will round down to 146 votes for me and 18 for Noah.
Why round down? I don't want to rub Noah's face in it. I mean I am competitive, but I am not the most competitive person in the world. I mean... I'm not crazy!
What I am... is a winner!
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| Noah's Poseidon |
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| Funny Guy's self-portrait |
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