Funny Guy Friday... Lent begins...

     "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return."
     It is that time of year: the Lenten season.
     It all starts with Ash Wednesday when all good... and some not so good... Catholics get ashes spread on their forehead. This marks the first of forty days of sacrifice.
     This Ash Wednesday, I received a call in my office from a good friend, who happens to be a judge, asking if I wanted to join him and his secretary at the local noon Mass.
      I enjoy both of them and thought it would be a good idea to knock out Mass early in the day.  The only down side of going to early Mass is that you walk around all day with a black smudge across your forehead. No problem, I wear it like a badge of honor.
      On the way to church, I put Cheryl on speaker to give her a heads up about our plans, and at the end of the conversation she asked that we pray for her. As I hung up, the judge asked... Does she want you to say her prayers for her? or say a prayer for her soul?
      What? I was a bit confused.
      Again, he wondered aloud: Does she want you to say the prayers that she usually says so now she does not have to say them? or to say a prayer for her so that she goes to heaven or something?   
     Pray for her soul, I tried to assure.
     Are you sure?
     I can call her back if you wish so we can get an official ruling.
     The clever banter was just getting started.
     We got to the church very early and took our spots in the pew. His secretary asked what I was giving up for Lent. I don't typically give up something but try to do something to improve my life. I explained that I was going to take each day of Lent and start cleaning out junk in each room in the house. Get rid of what I don't use and donate stuff to those in need. Forty bags in forty days, if you will.
     You have to give up something, the judge interjected.
     You don't have to give up something, I insisted. You can do something to improve your life and bring you closer to God... I will say a prayer while I clean.  But... just so you know... I have given up stuff before... I gave up sodas three years ago and have never gone back. I don't drink coffee, so that was the only caffeine that I had ever had.  
     So what are you giving up? he asked again.
     I got an idea... I suggested... why don't we pick something for all of us to give up... like chocolate and coffee.
     You don't drink coffee and you don't like chocolate, said my friend.
     True... but I will be cleaning out my closets and you won't be.   
     Well, I do like the idea... I could give up coffee and desserts.
     That will be tough because you are going to miss the caffeine, I insisted.
     No, I won't... he assured... caffeine does not affect me. 
     How do you know?
     I never used to drink coffee... and it never bothered me not to have the caffeine. 
     That is because you never had the caffeine... but now you have so you are going to get headaches and get tired when you quit cold turkey.
     No I won't, he persisted.
     That is like a heroine addict saying that the heroine that he never did... did not affect him. 
     It is nothing like that, he said, starting to get a little testy. You know what?... I am going to give coffee up for the Lord but also just to prove that you are wrong. 
     By the way, I added, you can't just substitute some other form of caffeine, or it's no good.   
     Not good for you or for God?
     Neither. I could see he was starting to hedge his bets.
     He followed up: I also need a ruling on the desserts... what if I eat a donut in the morning. That is not really dessert.
     I would agree with that. 
     What about apple pie in the middle of the day?
     So your dilemma is... if you eat a dessert-like food but not for dessert, does that count as a dessert?
What if we just say you will give up sweets? 
      No... I am not giving up coffee and sweets. Coffee and dessert, he insisted.
      I will give you the donut... but not the apple pie. That's fair.
      Agreed. If he'd have had his gavel, he might just have hit the pew with it.
      Hmm... I wondered what the elderly lady in front of us was thinking about our interpretation of sacrifice!
      So with that settled, we listened to a great homily about what we as families and as individuals can do during the Lenten season to bring us closer to the Lord.  We got our ashes, took Communion, and went back to work.
     I won't bore you with the banter about the Latin singer. She wasn't Latino, but she sang a song in Latin.
     I had an appointment later that afternoon, and before it began, I looked in the mirror and saw the ashes on my forehead. I had forgotten about them and wondered if my client might be a little taken aback. As I entered the conference room, I decided to put him at ease, so I commented that I had just seen the ashes on my forehead in the bathroom mirror and remembered that I had received them earlier in the day.
      My client looked at me and said, Yeah, it has been so cold... everyone is using their fireplaces and stuff! 
      My client thought that I had just gotten ashes on my forehead from handling wood in a fireplace. I started to explain about Ash Wednesday but thought better of it.  I had had enough clever conversations for one day and besides that... I wanted to get a jump on getting home early. I only have forty days to get all my closets cleaned!
     I hope you all have a great Lenten season.