Funny Guy Friday... God cares so wonderfully for the Little Flowers...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...  
     A little back story this time: our beloved priest of three years has been reassigned.  Bethesda's Church of the Little Flower has been blessed to get him. We will miss you dearly, Father Lewis!

Dear Little Flowers,
     I am writing with regards to the news we recently received that our beloved priest, Father Patrick Lewis, will be reassigned to your parish.
     I still recall the first time that I met Father Lewis. It was the most important day of the Sacred Heart Liturgical Calendar... Labor Day. You see on Labor Day, I am in charge of the church. I do everything except say the morning Mass. That being a rather minor part of the Labor Day Festival, of which I am the Grand Pooba, I let Monsignor Parry handle that.
     Anyway, on this particular Labor Day three years ago, perhaps the hottest Labor Day in recorded history, Father Lewis showed up in black shirt and collar. Note.... I said he was beloved, I did not say he was smart.
     He also had a University of Maryland baseball cap on his head. I was in the middle of something vitally important to the success of the whole Festival... grabbing my free sausage sub... when we were first introduced. Being a Maryland alum, I commented... I don't know what kind of priest you are going to make, you may be a cruddy one for all I know, but I do know that I like your choice of colleges! 
     Just my little way of making the new guy feel right at home. 
     So you may be wondering: what do I need to know about the new Associate Pastor? Well, let me tell you just a few things.
     First, don't play golf with the guy. He stirs up emotions in people on a golf course that you just would not believe. I mean, he innocently picked up the wrong ball one time, and our foursome was nearly attacked... by a foursome that was way bigger than ours. Now, the good news is that when you are with him in these near-death experience, you can always fall back on what I will refer to as, "The Priest Card." That, and a well-timed Angelus never hurts.
    We had to step in:  Look fellas, it was an honest mistake. He doesn't get out and play a whole lot, you know, with all the time he commits to saving souls and whatnot. Can you guys find it in your hearts to forgive him, as he forgives those that trespass against him?  FATHER LEWIS, could you say a prayer for the eight of us... right now... quickly! 
     Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and we all grew closer together when this other group made the wise decision that it would be in poor taste to fight with a priest at a Catholic charity fundraiser! 
     Second, he is committed to his faith... I mean he is a priest, after all. But it is more than that. Father Lewis is truly a Shepherd of Men. He will challenge you, and he will force you to think about things in a different way. In fact, it would be really annoying if he weren't so sneaky about it.
     Let me explain.
     You will find yourself talking to him at the CCD drop off. Typically, this occurs when he is walking out after the kids are all in their classes and you are late dropping your kid off... and you cross paths just before you pull away. The very pleasant conversation will turn to something that you may have said to your children that was not very nice. And at the end of the conversation, he may drop a Have you prayed about it? Because I find that... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 
     You then drive off thinking about what he said and pondering better ways to handle a particular situation, and then you slap your forehead and think, what just happened? In the middle of the  conversation, he innocently dropped in the praying about it stuff followed up with the I find stuff and now I am sitting here pondering better ways to handle stuff.
     Like I said, it would really be annoying if it weren't done in such an honest, non-offensive manner!
     Third, he gives the best homilies ever.
     Even this past week when, in the middle of Mass the idea of this Funny Guy Friday was rattling through my head, I was still drawn to his words.
    Let me break down a typical Father Lewis homily. He starts with a prayer to the Holy Spirit
that you may understand what he is about to say. He may not couch it in those exact terms... but that's what he is saying. Then he might lay out a position that is contrary to his. Then he lays out his position. Then he, in his very honest, non-offensive manner obliterates the opposing position by explaining why he is right and squashing them as if they were a pesky little bug.
     He almost always drops in a very funny anecdote... and if you don't laugh, he may confront the congregation and ask something like Oh c'mon, didn't everyone's mothers get you to be quiet in the car by breaking into a recitation of the Rosary? Then he wraps it all up in a very tight bow and sends you off prepared to take on whatever comes your way. The final stamp of approval comes when you lean over to your wife and whisper... He is the best! 
     It happens every Sunday, so if his first homily is a stinker, stick around, it'll get better!
     Oh, and be prepared... he often asks questions of the congregation.
     Sometimes they are tough, and I think he is surprised when more people don't raise their hands with the answer. Just as an FYI, sit near the back and off to the side and raise your hand no matter if you know the answer or not. He will never call on you and the people around you will think that you are one of the most enlightened thinkers in the church. I have to admit, I kind of perfected this, "raise your hand like you know the answer, but in reality the only thing you know is that you will not be called on" move when I was in Law School.
     Finally, you are getting one of the finest men and one of the finest priests that I have met. He will be a blessing to you and to your church. I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I hope there is an occasion when Father Lewis can return to Sacred Heart.
     Treat him well and enjoy every minute... because he is getting transferred in three years.
     By the way, before writing this, I checked out your Little Flower website and you have five priests listed as associated with your congregation. What is up with that? Why do you get our guy when you already have so many? You trying to corner the market or what? If there is not a lot of stuff for him to do, send him back!
     Finally, while I have your attention, there is something that has bothered me for years. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the 17- and 18-year-old girls from your church that played 10-year-old softball for the Little Flower's CYO team about eight years ago. I coached my daughter's team. We attended St. Pius X at the time, and we were the two best teams in the league. I watched you all play four or five times while waiting for our game to start or right after our games had concluded, and I had two weeks to prepare for playing you. I saw enough to see how you played, how you all hit, and how you all ran the bases. I dedicated two weeks to beating you guys and had my girls fired up.
     On the day of the big game, my girls executed the game plan perfectly and we won, by a pretty good margin. I was fired up! Then came the post-game handshakes. You girls were so cute and so nice and you and your coaches were so gracious.
     I got in the car and my wife looked at me and said, You don't seem so happy after winning the big game.  I told her that I just spent two weeks of my life getting ready to destroy the hopes and dreams of a bunch of cute little ten-year-old girls, and when I did, they shook my hand and could not have been nicer. I am an idiot! 
     Had Father Lewis been around at the time, he would have said, Have you prayed about it, because I always find... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 
     I am going to miss those conversations!
     You will enjoy them!   

                                                                 Sincerely,

                                                                 Mark J. Palumbo