Funny Guy Friday... Magnesium Citrate and Dulcolax? Oh goodie...

Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     What a night I am having!
     It started out with me downing two bottles of Magnesium Citrate.... chased with four tablets of Dulcolax. For those of you that are under the age of 50 and not in the pharmacy business... Magnesium Citrate is a Saline Laxative Oral Solution and Dulcolax is a laxative.
     And get this, I get to wake up at 4:00 a.m. and down another bottle of Magnesium Citrate... I prefer the lemon flavor.  
     Yummy!!!! Think of the sweetest gatorade that you can possibly imagine... with a salty aftertaste that goes down like... sludge!  
     You might be thinking that this is some crazy diet plan, I assure you that it is not. Although, I must admit, you could lose a lot of weight with this regimen... a lot of weight... I am talking a ton of weight!    
     No, this is no diet! This is prep for a procedure that every one over the age of 50 should be familiar with... a colonoscopy.
     Yes, I know it is hard to believe that I am over the age of 50. If truth be told, I am going to be 52 next month and I scheduled... and cancelled... this same procedure two other times.
     I did a similar thing about twenty-five years ago, when I scheduled my dog to be neutered. I scheduled that one three or four times only to cancel it each and every time. People always say that it is the right thing to do for your pets. I am not so sure about that. I know that I would not have cared for that particular procedure.
    Anyway, things are moving along here in the Palumbo house (pardon the pun), and I am not very comfortable. Fortunately, I have my beautiful wife by my side making everything more tolerable.
    What's that? Cheryl is in Ocean City with a friend, and she is not by my side?
    She did call to ask how I was feeling and to find out what I ate all day!
    Nothing... I have not eaten a thing all day! 
    I know but you can have broth and Gatorade!
    You don't eat broth and Gatorade. 
    I know... I know... but what did you have?
    Nothing! Although the rest of the family ate pretty well. Noah taunted me with his eggplant Parmesan and Grandma stopped enjoying her cheese ravioli long enough to ask me three separate times if I wanted a bite. Each time followed with her groaning and repeating to nobody in particular "that's right, you can't eat anything!" 
    What can I do to help? Cheryl lovingly asked.
    Can you call me to wake me up at 4:00 a.m.? Make sure I am up to drink that stuff. It will be like you are here with me. I love you Baby! 
    You're kidding, right? So the same ring that you hear when you get a phone call won't wake you up if it's your alarm going off? You know how to set your cell phone alarm? Or maybe your regular alarm?
    She was referring to the same alarm that wakes me up every day while the rest of the family stays snuggled in their beds.   
    So after 23 years of marriage, this is what it comes down to... Cheryl would rather get her beauty rest at the beach than to be awake and miserable with me!
    I mentioned to Cheryl that I may not survive the procedure... although I must admit, I really have not heard any horror stories about colonoscopies gone bad. Don't tell Cheryl this, but I was just trying to get some sympathy! I am not going to lie... I can be a baby before I go under the knife! Again, to be perfectly honest... I don't think anyone uses a knife... but don't let Cheryl know this.
    Cheryl kinda, sorta... went along with my bluff.
    I know, I know... it could be bad...that is why I took time away from my mini-getaway to call you!  Just in case I don't get a chance to talk to you again. 
    Honey, you're coming home tomorrow to drive me to the doctor's office.
    You mean you didn't get a friend to take you?! 
    Friday is the big day. I cannot wait to have it over and done with. I have heard all the jokes:

Things you might hear a doctor say during a colonoscopy:
     ... Hey, I think I might have found Jimmy Hoffa!
     ... You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...

Things a patient might say:
     ... You know Doc, in a few states (well, now all of them), we can now consider ourselves married.
     ... Can you please tell my wife that my head is not up in there! 

    In all seriousness, don't be like me and put these things off. I was prompted by my friend PJ to get this done, after he recently had triple-bypass surgery. I mentioned this little inspirational tidbit to another friend and he inquired... How did PJ's heart get you to thinking about your rear end? 
    I think that my point is to be proactive and not wait for the disaster to hit. I will also be scheduling a stress test for sometime in the next few months. In retrospect, I should have done the stress test first because I understand that there is no need to clean out your system for that one!  
    So that is it... that is my lesson for the day. Be proactive with your health!
    Now if you don't mind... I have got to go!!!!