Funny Guy Friday... No Shave November takes a twist...

    Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
    As I reached for my pancakes this morning, I looked across the table and noticed that my son Matthew had not shaved for a few days. I know what you are thinking: Mark, you are barely old enough to shave yourself... how is it possible that you have a son that is now shaving! 
    I know... I know... I look young, but alas, I am not.
    Anyway, Matthew quickly pointed out that this is No Shave November! 
    Really? So, is December: I am Finding a New Place to Live December? Shave please!
    I threw in the please... but I really did not mean it... and Matthew knew it.
    I kind of want to see if I can grow one.
    Well, you need to learn that you don't always get what you want! 
    As it turns out, Matthew's school will not allow it. Boys have to be clean-shaven.
    As I was cleaning up from breakfast, Matthew asked if I had ever considered growing a beard, and Cheryl quickly chimed in: Dad wouldn't grow a beard. Men grow beards... people would wonder what was going on if Dad grew a beard!
    Cheryl quickly tried to explain that she meant that I am always a clean-shaven and youthful-looking guy, and people would be surprised by this sudden change in appearance. Unfortunately, the damage was done and I had been completely emasculated in front of the family.    
    After Matthew stopped laughing and got up off of the floor, I had a revelation. I was hurt by my wife's comments. I felt marginalized by my wife's comments. As I was laughed at and jeered at, I realized that my kitchen... a kitchen that I have occupied for more than fifteen years... was no longer a safe zone.
    My thoughts then turned to the comments that I had made to my own son just minutes earlier. I had had the audacity to demand that he take an action that he felt uncomfortable about. I know I said please... but we all knew I didn't mean it.
    I was on an emotional roller coaster. Here I was, happy to be sharing time in my kitchen with my family, then I was hurt and embarrassed by that same thoughtless family and no longer safe in a place I had once loved. Then these feelings turned to shame as a result of my unreasonable demands on Matthew. This is when I came up with a plan that the whole family can get behind.
    Matthew, I want you to grow a beard!
    What? What are you talking about.
    I want you to grow a beard.  
    I can't; my school will not allow it.
    I got your back. I believe that their demands are unreasonable and oppressive. How do you feel about it. 
    It gets kind of itchy. 
    Not the beard, you idiot... I am talking about the beard policy! I'm sorry... did I just call you an idiot. I did not mean that... come over here and give me a hug. 
    I'm good!
    You are good, Matthew... and don't let anyone tell you that you are not good... beard or no beard. You are good, and strong, and you are a winner. Even if you lose, you are a winner! If you don't think you are a winner, just go look at all your participation trophies!  
    What is up with you?
    I have seen the light... your feelings need to be addressed. When you get to school on Monday... fully bearded, by the way... you give your principal a list of demands. First, you want and expect the school to allow you and every other student to express yourself in any way you like. Be inclusive of all thoughts and ideas... so long as those thoughts and ideas include growing a beard. Second, you expect the school to provide 24-hour, around the clock protection from kids that might say hurtful things about your beard. Third, that if any student should make a comment that can in any way be interpreted as unkind, I would like for that student to be prosecuted by the mock trial team. Fourth, if you feel that some students are looking at you funny or are just thinking bad thoughts about you or your scraggly beard, you are to be provided a "circle of safety."
    Hey, you just called my beard scraggly!
    No... did I say scraggly? Heck, that beard should be on Duck Dynasty!  
    One question... how can I make a circle by myself?
    Do I have to think of everything? Recruit other students that may some day want to grow a beard... men only, of course.
    Isn't that ironic... here we are trying to make things more inclusive for bearded students and then we restrict the circle to men only.
    Good point! It is ironic... I don't think anybody will notice! Make sure you keep the media outside of your circle, you know, just to make sure nobody notices... and to be safe. 
    Anything else?
    Ask for free tuition. What the hell, we might as well throw that in as well. Oh... demand that the principal resign. Oooooh, and if he doesn't, start to cry. 
    How about, instead of crying, I tell them that I am going to hold my breath until I turn blue if my demands are not met?
    Nice touch. Now you see how this works. 
    Is that all?
    Well, you could ask your coach if he would like to grow a beard and if so, see if he will support your protest.   
    Alas, the fun was coming to a close...
    Do you think this will work, Dad? 
    Are you kidding!?! What educational institution... that expects to survive... would ever put up with this kind of nonsense.      

     Now, parts of this story are true.
     Fact: I did tell Matthew to shave... and I did say please when I didn't really mean it.
     Fact: Cheryl did make an emasculating comment (though she insists she meant that she thinks of me as a "guy," instead of referring to me by using the word "man."
     Fact: Matthew's beard is scraggly... In fact, it is an insult to scraggly beards to call this one scraggly, but I could not think of a word more insulting than scraggly to describe it.
     Fact: Sometimes, you need to learn that you don't always get what you want... even if you do turn blue!
     And... Fact: No educational institution that expects to survive can put up with this kind of nonsense!