Funny Guy Friday... The Men's Retreat

     Funny Guy Friday is written by my husband Mark. So I married a funny guy...
     Welcome back everyone to the new and improved Funny Guy Friday.  I attempted a comeback a few months ago but then we entered into Lent... and with Lent came a self-imposed ban of Facebook. That ban shortened that comeback bid.  And to be honest, going forward, I do not think that I can crank out a new FGF every week... but I will write something whenever the mood strikes.
     This particular FGF is also a PSA to those that believe in the afterlife.  Let me explain.
     A few months ago, a friend, Kevin Wells, wrote a book outlining the traits of bishops and parish priests that are necessary in today's Catholic church.  He draws forth a blueprint for priestly holiness that can once again fill our Church with priests abounding with sincere, supernatural faith, on fire with God's love, and moved by the irresistible impulse to save souls, no matter the cost to themselves.
     If you are thinking that my writing has improved during my layoff... it hasn't.  I just copied that from the back of the book.
     Anyway, the book also leads the reader to examine his/her own faith. I did this myself and I mentioned it to Cheryl. Hearing this, Cheryl, like a shark smelling blood in the water, seized the opportunity to ask me if I would like to go on a men's retreat. With my newfound introspection, I said
     Sure... when?
     The first weekend in December.
     What... no way!  I am not taking one of the weekends before Christmas to go away without everyone! In retrospect, I probably didn't introspect as well as I should have because the weekends leading up to Christmas are a great time to go on a retreat.  Cheryl continued...
     That would be a great time.  Bill Quinn asked me if you would like to go and I told him that I would be away that weekend so you should be able to go. 
     NOOO! Don't commit me to retreats. Call him and tell him I cannot go.  You got me into this, you get me out.   
     You call him yourself and tell him. 
     Fine, I will.  At this point, I was pretty sure I was going on this retreat.  I don't know how she does it, but she does!
     Well it turns out that Bill had already paid for me to attend so any excuse I could come up with would have been just that... an excuse... an excuse that would now cost my friend some money.  But I wasn't done with Cheryl.  I have a tendency to complain when my wife... and friend... trick me into doing stuff.  Trick might be a little strong... manipulated might be better... but no matter how you describe what occurred, Cheryl was going to hear of my displeasure.
      I complained loudly to whomever would listen. Cheryl said she did not mind if I were loud because once the retreat started, I wouldn't be talking to anyone. You see this little retreat was a silent retreat. You have got to be kidding me! Who goes on a silent retreat? The only good thing was that I wouldn't have to share my feelings!
      I arrived Friday night and checked into my room... a nice room with a single bed and a bathroom.  I'm not going to lie...  it was kind of nice not having a roommate. I love my fellow man but I don't actually want to live with my fellow man. Dinner was a meet and greet with the silent part starting after dessert. I noticed something that struck me as a bit odd and encouraging all at the same time.  Bill was not there.  I thought to myself: If he fails to appear by the time I go to bed, I am sneaking out in the morning! 
      Fortunately, he posted right after the first talk.  I went to bed knowing I was in for the long haul. When I got to my room, I was shocked to find out it was only 9:30... and I had nothing to do... and nobody to talk to.  Actually, I had several people to talk to... but I wasn't allowed.  With nothing to do, I read my Bible.  I am trying to read the book of Maccabees during advent. A very difficult read... and as a result... I was asleep by 9:35.
      I woke bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 a.m. and went to adoration.  Great start to a great day that included discussions about how men can lead their families, set examples for their friends and strengthen their faith.  It takes time to get to a more holy place and you need to commit. At one point, while pondering where I could carve out ten minutes of prayer time, I wondered if it were really necessary for me to go beyond level 1,805 in Candy Crush. I have to admit I am both proud and embarrassed by this achievement.  Anyway, it is safe to say that it will be easy to find the time to pray!
     Cheryl texted me on Saturday night to see how things were going.  I texted back that I was going to dump her and become a priest... not because I was all of the sudden more faithful... but because I kind of enjoyed the peace and quiet!
     So now to my PSA.  We had a two hour break Saturday after lunch and I was flipping through a book that was on display outside of the sanctuary. Kevin Wells, the aforementioned author, approached me and broke all silent retreat rules by telling me that he flipped through this very book during his adoration and landed on a section that discussed tales of people that were exposed to Purgatory. He suggested that I read it.
     Purgatory... I thought... was a waiting room where you sit, maybe read a magazine, check your watch, and hope that your number gets called.  It was not my number one choice but not a terrible plan B, I thought.  I think I lead a pretty good life and I hope that when the time comes, I will make it quickly into the Kingdom of Heaven. But if not, I am patient and I can wait my turn.
     Well it turns out that Purgatory is hell... pardon the pun. Not Hell with a capitol H but hell.  There appear to be at least three different levels, dependent upon the life you have lead on Earth. The levels include, but are not limited to, burning or freezing or losing fingers and appendages. Purgatory is timeless, so there is no "dying to get out of there" like we have here on Earth.  You are stuck there for as long as it takes... and it could take hundreds of years.  Imagine the incredible frustration of thinking that you are Heaven bound only to get stuck in the worst waiting room in the history of waiting rooms.
     I considered the three levels of Purgatory and tried to figure out where I fit in. I was discouraged by the fact that there were very holy people, nuns and priests, that were in Purgatory because they fell short in their vocations by... not being serious in their missions.  This frightened me because there have been times in my life that I may have made a teeny tiny little joke or two during Mass about the length of the Mass... the priest... the choir... the usher... the congregation... or on a good day... all of the above.  My saving grace is the fact that more must be expected from the priests and the nuns as opposed to the funny lawyer!
     Purgatory is not for the weak.  I commented to Kevin that it was like the old documentary Scared Straight, when hardened prisoners yelled and screamed at wayward teens in hopes that the teens would be scared into being good! It worked on the weak minded teens... and it worked on the weak minded lawyer.  People: Do what you must to make it into Heaven! It is not enough to just be a good person... you have to be a holy person.
    Work to be holy.
    As far as the retreat was concerned, it was outstanding.  I listened to the talks and realized that a man's goal is to make sure that each member of his family makes it into the Kingdom of Heaven. He can achieve these goals in many ways. Personally, I give myself mixed reviews.
    Here is the good:  Things in the Palumbo home are on the right track. My kids get to see a great example of faith every day. They are steered toward wholesomeness and are encouraged to pray and seek the Lord's guidance in all things. They are led by a person who is always seeking to become holy and constantly urging them to do the same.
     Here is the bad:  Apparently, Cheryl is the man of our house!  She is the person of faith that steers everyone towards wholesomeness and encourages us to pray and who really seeks to be holy!  My claim to fame is that I get out of her way and let her lead.  She tells me she doesn't want to be the leader... but I don't believe her.  I think she is just trying to trick me... er... manipulate me into something when she says that because... she tends to always be doing my job and appears to thrive in it. Perhaps, I will be taking a more active role in this leadership thing... I want to think that through before I let Cheryl know she is relieved of these duties.        
     If you get nothing out of this FGF... remember there really is no good plan B.  There is only Heaven.  Hell is... well... Hell and Purgatory is hell.
     I am happy to report that while it has only been a few days since the retreat, I am implementing some of the things that we discussed on retreat into my daily routine.  Each morning, I reach for my iPad and look up the day's gospel reading and spend a few minutes in prayer.  This routine is better than my pre-retreat routine.  I am pretty certain that when my judgment day does come, nobody is really going to care how good I was in Candy Crush.
     Finally, when you pray, please remember the souls in Purgatory.  They really need to make it out of that crappy waiting room!