Funny Guy Friday... I smell bacon...

     Cheryl and I got all dressed up and attended a 50th wedding anniversary party for some friends last Sunday evening. These folks are very nice people, and it was a joy to share in their celebration. We had a great time.
     Afterward, we decided to go shopping at Sears, which was having a "Friends and Family" night. They were staying open later than usual so only special people (i.e. anyone who showed up) could shop late and get a discount on their purchases.
     We arrived at Sears at about 8:15 and discoverd that it was to close at nine o'clock, so we hustled to purchase a few things, and we checked out a little bit after nine. The very nice folks at Sears had to unlock the doors for us to leave, and we proceeded to our car which was the only car left in that section of the parking lot.
     As we approached our car with our purchases in hand, I saw a police car in another section of the lot, and as I always do when I see a police car, I said, "I smell bacon... Act like we ain't doing anything illegal."
     Cheryl did what she always does and ignored me.
     As I pulled off, I noticed that the officer had turned around and followed us out. Of course, because a police officer was behind me, I did everything that I don't normally do... I buckled up, I used my turn signals, I went the speed limit, and I didn't smoke the joint that I had hidden in my console.
     As I turned left, the officer turned left. As I turned right, the officer turned right. When I came to a red light, he was directly behind me, and I just knew he was running my tags. This is when the fun started.
     I asked Cheryl, "Did I speed?" No. "Did I not use my signal?" No. "Did I light up a joint?" No. "Did you light up a joint?" No.
     My always-positive wife assured me that nothing was wrong and he was not going to pull us over. I, being a clever innocent person, decided to check out her theory.
     There was a two or three car-length space between our car and the car in front of me. Why was there a two or three car length space between our car and the car in front of us, you ask? There was a cop behind me, remember, so I wasn't going to pull right up on some stranger's bumper like I normally do. Anyway, I decided to pull the car up a bit to see if the officer also pulled up. He did. I pulled up some more. So did he. Then my fears were confirmed, but Cheryl assured me once again, it was nothing.
     As I pulled out onto the highway, the officer's lights and sirens went off, and he did pull me over. Clearly, I was irritated. Cheryl, of course, was wrong... but as always, she was calm. She assured me that it was still nothing.
     You know... in Cheryl world, the police pull you over to make friendly inquiries about your health and welfare.
     He took about ten minutes before he got out of his car. During those ten minutes, Cheryl reminded me that I did say, I smell bacon, which really was not a nice thing to do. Great... We got pulled over by Robocop with superhero hearing. She also reminded me that police officers lay there lives on the line for us every day, so I should stop with my attitude.
     Let me be clear, I understand and I apppreciate what police officers do. But no officer is laying his life on the line by pulling over the middle-aged couple wearing a party dress and a suit & tie, driving the family Pilot as the getaway car. This officer's biggest hazard would probably be getting a paper cut as he handed me whatever ticket he was about to give me.
     When he did get out of the car, he took another thirty seconds or so, flashing his light throughout the back of our car. I have a pretty good grasp of how these traffic stops work, so I was careful to place my hands on the steering wheel so the officer could see them as he approached, and to either have my license and registration ready or to ask if I can move my hands to get my license and registration.
     Again, I get what they go through. I also know that they don't normally shine a light throughout your vehicle for as long as he did unless they have something else on their mind. At that point, I was more irritated.
     Suddenly, he popped up over on Cheryl's side of the car. I have to say I was a bit relieved because it looked like she was the one that broke the law, not me. I thought to myself, She must have flipped him off when I wasn't looking.
     The officer, who looked about eighteen years old, asked why we had pulled out of the Sears parking lot after we saw his vehicle. My response was a short and curt, "We have to go home."
     "Well, you saw my car and then you immediately turned quickly in the opposite direction and took off." Maybe he did hear my little bacon joke. 
     "We live in the opposite direction and we were shopping at Sears," I assured him. He informed us that Sears closes at six o'clock and we were there after nine. Uh oh, he had us now. We always get all dressed up before we knock off a Sears. You should see what we wear when we rob Nordstroms.
     By this point, I was even more irritated because the kids were home by themselves on a school night and should have been in bed by now... and I was sure that they weren't... so I knew I would have to beat them... and this guy was delaying all of that.
     At that point my lovely, calm wife explained the whole Friends and Family deal with the extended store hours, and even relayed the fact that we had three kids that we were desperately trying to get home to see so we could "tuck them into bed." I think she even told him that if we could get them to bed early enough, we would sit and read some scripture together. She was smooooth.
     I was able to squeeze in the fact that I am a lawyer and I understand why he did what he did and why he stopped us. I think he was a bit embarrased because he told me my brake light was out, quickly returned my license and registration, and told us to have a nice evening.
     That was it. No ticket. No warning. No nothing. We beat the rap. However, I was still a bit irritated.
     After the officer left, Cheryl said she was dissapointed in herself for not thanking the officer for all that he does. What? He had just delayed the beat down at the house and you want to thank him? We are hardly Bonnie and Clyde! 
    Then it occurred to me... If I had received a ticket, she would probably testify against me and in favor of this officer at the trial. I could see her going on and on and on, after taking the stand:
     State's Attorney: Could you please state your name and address for the record...
     Cheryl: My name is Cheryl and let me get right to it, your Honor. My husband... the Defendant sitting over there in the nice suit... Isn't he cute?... did make a deragatory comment about law enforcement, and almost as soon as he saw the officer's patrol vehicle, told me to act like I did not do anything illegal. 
     I knew that I had not done anything illegal, so I recall thinking at the time that if I hadn't done anything illegal, my husband must have. 
     In addition... I can't say for certain whether or not he was speeding because my head whipped back as he skidded away from the police officer, so I could not see the speedometer jump. 
     He never wears his seat belt, and he usually speeds, but I think he was on his best behavior that night... because that nice young officer was watching him the whole time. 
     Once we were stopped, he continued to act suspicious, again going on and on about, and I quote, "What is this knucklehead doing? I just hope I get one of the judges that knows what he is doing when I go to trial." I am sad to say, he did not mention your name, your Honor. 
     One final thing... I know this has nothing to do with this case, but he never hangs up his suits. Thank you, your Honor, for this opportunity to testify on behalf of the State, and please thank that fine young officer for keeping our streets safe and our stores secure. God bless us all.
     Then a final thought occurred to me. I bet the guy whose party we just attended, who stayed married for fifty years, was never pulled over by a police officer leaving Sears late on a Sunday evening.