Funny Guy Friday... The Great Pumpkin Carving Contest...

    Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband, Mark. So, I married a Funny Guy!

    When Cheryl and I were first married, we would invite my brothers and sister and my many nieces and nephews over for a Halloween party and pumpkin carving competition. Yes, I turned pumpkin carving into a competitive sport.

    We would bob for apples, eat cake, and then we would light up our pumpkins and have the family vote on the best one. Everyone would throw their ballot into a hat and I would call out each vote with great fanfare. I insisted that the carvers remain unknown so as not to influence the voters, so each vote would have to describe the pumpkin. I had to have anonymity so the voters would not be influenced----you know how moms can be with their bratty little kids, and I was sure that at least one sister-in-law had it out for me.
    I recall the first year most entries were your typical jack-o-lanterns with the eyes, nose and mouth, or some little pumpkins with paint globbed all over. Seriously, one of my silly little nephews painted his little pumpkin and thought that was going to win. Yeah, right!
    My first pumpkin was a haunted house that I had seen on a Halloween napkin. This was before pumpkin patterns were popular. I had to figure out what parts to cut out and what parts to leave in so that the house looked like the haunted house on the napkin. It took me hours and if I recall correctly, it took me two or three pumpkins before I got it right. It was awesome! I dominated the competition. This is not to say that I didn't have to lobby a bit for my pumpkin---Hey Grandma, that little pumpkin that was painted in school that just looks like a big blob of nothingness is cute and nice for a four year old, but have you seen the haunted house---boy whoever did that one sure did put a lot of work into it!   
    The pumpkins evolved the following year. I was the rising tide that raised the level of all carvers. They knew they had to bring their AAA game to the party after my initial dominance---and they did. But I was a little suspect about some of the later entries as pumpkin carving kits and patterns became the norm. I refused to use patterns thinking that the judges would appreciate my creativity and effort. I insisted that the carver should have to reveal if he or she had used a pattern. That effort went nowhere with the rules committee, which was led by my antagonistic sister-in-law.
    Baseball had its great history tainted by the Steroid Era; our pumpkin carving contest had its great history tainted by the Pattern Era. Same principles applied---athletes used other means to gain an unfair advantage over their competition. It was not fair and it drove me to take some drastic measures. If they wanted to cheat then I would show them some cheating.
     I recalled that in our first year of voting, every pumpkin got at least one vote and others would get two, or three and I dominated with about ten. This was odd because this was mathematically impossible. There were ten pumpkins in the competition, twenty five people at the party but there were thirty five votes. Well, I later found out that my father voted for each pumpkin so each of his precious little grand kids got at least one vote. He was going soft in his later years.
     Anyway, my dad's little strategy led me to concoct a little scheme of my own that would level the playing field. I figured if nobody realized that the ballot box was stuffed the year before, who would notice it this year. After all, I was in charge of the votes and the vote counting. What could go wrong? I can't say that it was the proudest moment of my pumpkin carving career but those little kids were cheating too! Although my little plan made me a bit uncomfortable and left a bad taste in my mouth, I was sure that raising the winning pumpkin over my head on Victory Lane would certainly help cleanse my palate.
     Year two, I did a cemetery scene with ghosts and goblins. Think of Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel on a pumpkin---it was that good. I thought to myself, who knows, maybe the voters will get it right and I won't have to institute my brilliant scheme. Unfortunately, there was still that same sister-in-law that had it out for me........ I may have also bragged a bit after the previous year's victory and it is possible that I alienated some of the losers voters in my family. No, it was clear that I could take no chances.
    My plan was working flawlessly at first. I was running neck and neck with my nephew but I ultimately pulled ahead by a wide margin. I will admit that there was some suspicion when the legitimate votes described my pumpkin as "The Cemetery Scene Pumpkin" and my illegitimate votes described it as the "Most Awesome Cemetery Scene w/Ghosts and Goblins and Some of the Most Exquisite Carving We Have Seen to Date Pumpkin" or "The Museum Quality Pumpkin With the Intricate Cemetery Scene---Whoever Carved That One is My Hero---God Bless Him!"
    Okay, I may have gone a bit overboard---BUT THEY WERE USING PATTERNS!!!
    I conceded victory to my worthy opponent on that day, and the carving contest continued for a few more years. Who knows who won or lost (except for me of course); it was always just fun to see what everyone came up with year after year.
    Every Halloween, I still love carving pumpkins with my kids. I will admit that we have purchased the kits and we now use the patterns---it definitely speeds up the process.
    Each of the kids picks their own pattern and they are old enough now to do most of it themselves. But every year, after they think that they are done and have left to go watch TV, I find myself alone in the kitchen with a knife and the pumpkins. There is always one more thing that could be done to make their pumpkins just a little bit better. You know, in case some idiot wants to have a competition or something!

Grace's pumpkin

Matthew's pumpkin

Noah's pumpkin