Funny Guy Friday… Hunger Games Home Edition...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband, Mark. So… I married a funny guy...
     So we were driving down the road the other day and Grace mentioned that she loved PETA. Matthew concurred. Then he mentioned the things that PETA would do for a meal, which I, of course, assumed would be a vegetarian meal since it involved PETA. Seriously, all of the sudden, you guys have some great affection for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals? What did I miss?    
     Apparently, there is a popular book out that I know nothing about. It wasn't PETA, but a fictional character named Peeta, and the book is The Hunger Games. Both Grace and Matthew read the book in under three days, which is kind of amazing since it has taken them both two weeks to get through their current twelve page history assignments.
     Gracie read so much so quickly that she diagnosed herself with eye strain. Of course, the eye strain could be the result of not only the non-stop reading at all hours, but also the subsequent texting her cousin about Peeta, facebooking about Peeta, and searching on Pinterest for pictures of Peeta. But I digress.
     They started to explain the book to me, and my mind started working, and I did what I do best: I came up with an idea for our own home version of the Hunger Games. This is what I do; I am an idea man! I feel that life has been too easy for our kids, and they have never really had to work for anything in their lives. Well, we are going to step it up a bit.
     Our home will be divided into three separate districts, with each district represented by one of our kids. Each kid will be responsible for keeping their district in proper working order and repair. Each kid will get specific training to help them prepare for the  forthcoming events. I will interview each of the kids to see what special skills they possess.  They will be given specific tasks that coordinate with their particular skill set. 
     If I had to guess, I would say that Noah, the artist, will specialize in camouflage; Grace, the chef, will be good with knives; and Matthew, the athlete, will excel in running from the little boy in the camo and the crazy girl with the knife.
     Just to make it more interesting, I am going to televise my interviews, so friends and family can decide if they want to sponsor the kids. It will be like a very cool reality show, and I may even make some cash off of the sponsorships---win-win for me.
     After the interviews and the special training are complete, every morning the kids will be banished to the basement where they will race to find weapons such as nerf guns, wiffle ball bats and pirate swords.
     It will be first come, first served, as far as the weapons go. I will control the basement climate by cleverly regulating the thermostat. I can make them irritable by making it too hot or too cold. Each morning, they will take part in a battle royale. The winner is the one who emerges from the basement unscathed. That child will then have food available for his district for the day. The losers will go to bed hungry.
     I love the idea of our own little family Hunger Games. First of all, it will thin the herd in a survival of the fittest sort of way. Each child will have to hone their skills in order to survive. That, or they NEVER make it out of the basement.
     Other benefits include fewer grocery bills---feeding one child each day is much cheaper than feeding three. The losers will lose weight immediately---the 17 Day Diet is nice but why wait 17 days? And finally, Cheryl and I will have daily periods of peace and quiet while the kids partake in the "Basement Battle"---it is actually very nice; we can't hear a thing in the basement once that door is shut.
     I know what you are thinking… Their basement will be a mess if they let this occur down there. If you are thinking this, you have never seen our basement after the kids have been down there with their friends. Every toy is left out, the pool cues are all broken, the toilet is backed up and food is left all over the place. In fact, we are going to have to do a sweep of the basement before we start the Hunger Games Home Edition so the kids don't consume any left-over food from our last party.
     If the kids get together and decide that they will not participate in our little home version, I will create situations in the basement that will be sure to get a fight started. For instance, I will turn on the TV and only put one chair in the room. I might even put a board game down there; it seems that they regularly end up in fights over board games. Or, I will add little bonuses like the winner does not have to unload the dishwasher, distribute the laundry, or take out the trash. I mean, they argue over all these things all the time…..even when food is not on the line. Oh, they will fight or none of them will eat!
     Now, Cheryl has not signed off on this project yet, but she will once she hears that she can get some extra sleep out of the deal. I mean, several years ago, she pitched a similar idea that she called the Sleepy Game.
     The Sleepy Game started on a Saturday morning. It rewarded the last child that woke up each Saturday morning. The kids did not actually have to be sleeping; they could just be lying in their bed or watching TV downstairs. They just had to be out of our bedroom. You see, the winner of the Sleepy Game was always Cheryl.
     The other thought that I had was that if this Hunger Games thing were successful, someone may want to make a movie out of my idea. It has all the elements of a major motion picture-----conflict, violence, heartache, developing relationships, and ultimately triumph.
     You know, on second thought, the movie idea is just stupid. I cannot see people going to theatres to watch a depressing movie like this. Oh well, for now I will just have to be satisfied with making our home a better place by turning my basement into a war zone and rewarding the day's sole survivor with food.
     This is what I do. I am an idea man.