Funny Guy Friday… Somebody please tell me the rules...

     As as young man, I fondly remember playing games with my brothers and sisters. Being the youngest of six, I was on the losing end of many games. On that rare occasion that I would actually be on the precipice of a victory, the rules would mysteriously change and ensure yet another victory for my siblings. This was extremely frustrating. and I thought that this would not happen to me as an adult.
     This brings me to my lovely wife Cheryl. It seems that she is playing by the same set of rules that my brothers and sisters used way back when. Her rules are chameleon-like in their adaptability.
     Let me use the events of this past week to illustrate my point. There have been occasions when I have seen attractive women and mentioned that they were pretty. I will admit that there have even been times when I have said that a particular woman was hot. Cheryl advises that this is disrespectful to her, and it does not set a good example for my two young sons.
     I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't curse (at least not in their presence). I go to church every Sunday and I am kind and generous to everyone. Apparently, this powerful two-word description undoes all the other times in my life when I do set a good example for my boys.
     Her complaint will typically lead me to talk with the boys and explain that, in actuality, I have no idea if these women are hot, cold, warm or chilly. It is wrong for me to talk about a woman's temperature without actually knowing what her temperature might be, and that no man, and I repeat no man, should ever try to predict a woman's temperature.  I think that this is a completely accurate instruction and it covers my tracks pretty well. I also think it properly prepares my sons for their future marriages.
     After our thirty-year high school reunion, I may have commented on a particular woman's temperature. Ever since that day, Cheryl has reminded me of my comments on a fairly regular basis. Mind you, I had not seen this woman in, well, I had not seen her IN OVER THIRTY YEARS and HAVE NOT SEEN HER SINCE THAT REUNION.
     Well, every morning, I wake up and grab the laptop and check email, read an article or check my facebook page. Usually, Cheryl is asleep, but if she wakes up, she will ask if she can borrow the laptop for a second. Of course, once she gets it, my time with it is over.
     On Monday morning, this very scenario played out when she commandeered the laptop and began to check her own facebook page. She asked if I were friends with a certain handsome guy we see every once in a while and when I advised her that I was not, she actually bragged that she was. She went to his page and showed me a picture and said, Look how handsome he is. 
     I mentioned that her comments were disrespectful to me and were no different than things that I may have said after our reunion. Now, I did not care one bit about her comments, but fair is fair. If I cannot make a comment about a woman that I have seen one time in thirty years and haven't crossed paths with ever since, why can she make a similar comment about a guy she sees two or three times a month. Cheryl advised that it is completely different because, and I quote, because I am not in love with him and you are in love with her. 
     Really, in love with her? You see the rule was changed.
     This was not the only example of rule changes on her part. On Sunday, Noah lost his glove at the baseball field. This is the second glove lost in three baseball events. Now, if  Noah can manage a way to go two for three for the rest of his baseball career, he will make millions of dollars. On the other hand, if he loses two out of every three gloves I buy him, I am going to go broke. I was not happy with this turn of events and I let him know that I was disappointed in him. You are going to have to figure out how to field a ground ball using your bare hands because I am not buying you another glove. 
     Noah was very upset and made a bee line for his mother when we got home. This always leads to a conversation where I explain to Noah that I love him even though I think he needs to stop losing his gloves. I explain that I love him a little less but I do still love him.
     On that same day, Matthew spent the night at a friend's house. While at his friend's house, he called and he asked to speak to me. Of course, I immediately knew he was seeking permission to watch a movie. How do I know this, you ask. He knows his mom always puts the big kibosh on any movie that is not a Disney cartoon. Actually, I stand corrected, she does deny some Disney cartoons. Anyway, I asked what it was rated and then advised Matthew that you can start the movie and if it is not appropriate you can watch it but don't tell your mom that you watched it. If you do tell your mother…….we…… never…… had….. this……conversation.  
     A problem arose when Cheryl overheard my discussion with Matthew and demanded an explanation for my comments. Don't you hate it when a person asks a question that they already know the answer to and then stare at you dumbfounded looking for some other explanation? Everyone knows why I said it----Cheryl never lets them watch anything and I do….and when  I do, she gets mad at me. Seriously, who needs that. After I gave her some lame explanation that I was putting the responsibility on Matthew and giving him the opportunity to think for himself (what I refer to as my other explanation), Cheryl let me know that she was disappointed in my response.
     As I was getting dressed for work on Monday morning, I once again mentioned how irritated I was at Noah. Cheryl immediately stopped me and told me that she has heard it all already and that we do not have to rehash the events of the previous day. I was a bit irritated but after a few seconds, I realized she was probably right.
     Within seconds of my coming to the realization that she was right, Cheryl broke the very rule that had just crossed her lips. I cannot believe that you told Matthew not to tell me that he watched an inappropriate movie. 
     She just got done telling me that we don't have to rehash last night's events, and there she was rehashing last night's events. Once again, the rules had changed. Of course, there was a difference---you see Cheryl was rehashing my alleged bad stuff and I was rehashing cute little Noah's bad stuff. She used to think that I was cute! I guess the rules aren't the only things that have changed around here.
     After twenty years, I think that I have figured out that rules of engagement are only applicable when they help make Cheryl's point. I would change the rules myself but Cheryl has advised that the rules are clear… only she can change the rules.
     It's all right there, right in the rules!