Funny Guy Friday... Soccer... Eesh...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So... I married a funny guy...
     I have a confession to make... I hate soccer.
     Always have.
     I played just about every sport as a kid but never played soccer. Not that I didn't think that soccer had purpose. I mean, it looks like you do a lot of running, so during the off season of the "real sports," soccer can serve as a nice little training program. Other than that, it's kickball with very little scoring.
     Wake me when it's over!
     So imagine my shock and horror when I came home from work and Cheryl advised me that Matthew was signed up to play CYO soccer. How did this happen? Especially during fall baseball?
     Cheryl explained: "My friend Sam is coaching a team and they only have ten players signed up. She sent out an email asking for some 7th and 8th graders to play. I wrote back and commented that the kids who were signed up seemed nice and that I wished that Matthew played soccer so he could join the team. Sam wrote back that it didn't matter that Matthew had never played; he would fit right in with this group. I then asked Matthew and he agreed so he is going to play. He is really excited." 
     Let me explain what went through my mind as she was talking.
     Sam... who happens to be a mom of thirteen kids... which of course MAKES HER A GIRL!... a girl whom I recall being a cheerleader in high school... is going to babysit a group of boys a couple hours a week while they kick a ball around. She probably only has six or seven of her own children in that age range, so she needs to fill in the gaps with other people's kids. The effort to recruit must be going so badly that she will take anybody, a hunch that is confirmed by the fact that she so willingly accepted Cheryl's offer to have Matthew play.  
     When Matthew was confronted by Cheryl with this cockamamie scheme, he did not have the heart to tell her no. He is not excited. He is a fly that has been trapped in his mother's (and Sam's) web. He hates trying new things, and more specifically, he hates looking like a fool. His mother has no such fear... He can look as foolish as humanly possible and she does not care.  
     My hunch about Matthew was confirmed when he asked me if I could provide him with some soccer knowledge. Dude, I have no clue... except that you cannot use your hands, and if you are any good, you will eventually end up with only one name. 
     Despite his mother's excitement, he was looking for a way out of this soccer debacle. It was time for me to step in and run interference for him with his mom and put an end to this nonsense. I know my son, and I know sports, so I would handle it.
     Cheryl, honey, Matthew is having second thoughts about the whole soccer issue. He does not want to play!
     Too bad! He has committed to Miss Sam. He is playing.
     First of all, YOU committed to Miss Sam. Secondly, the commitment does not officially occur until he attends a practice. And thirdly, the fact that you just referred to his potential coach as Miss Sam, tells me all I need to know. 
     I can't believe that you would let him quit! 
     How can he quit if he has never started? You need to understand that he is going to be the worst kid out there. He knows what happens when kids who have never played come out for our baseball team with kids who have been playing for years. 
     Really? What happens? Is he mean to them? Does he laugh at them? Do you yell at them and make them feel bad? Or do the two of you try to help them and make it enjoyable for those kids? Besides, Sam is not going to let it be a bad experience for him. 
     This was hitting below the belt. She was right, but it was still hitting below the belt. I hate getting hit below the belt.
     Matthew is very kind to those kids and I do go out of my way to help kids that are just starting to play. I hate when she is right. So, how would I explain to Matthew that I lost yet another argument with his mother.
     Ahh. I would go with the "this will provide you an opportunity to get some exercise and despite what your mother says, I think you can do it...you are a good athlete" explanation. I saved face and threw Cheryl under the bus all in one fell swoop. It was just good parenting.
     I was able to attend the first practice. Happily, Matthew saw some of his buddies and this helped rid him of some of his fears. Coach Sam cheerfully greeted him and handed him a bag full of shin guards and soccer cleats. Matthew and I looked like a couple of idiots trying to figure out how to put the shin guards on under his baseball socks... reinstating those earlier fears. So glad I could be there to help.
     I don't know much about soccer, but Coach Sam ran a nice practice. She was assisted by two or three of her older children. I realized that coaching and being a mom to thirteen kids might have a lot in common. Lets see... you have to let everyone know who is in charge. You have to know when to be nice and when to get tough. And you have to be able to understand kids, and find out what strategies work with each individual.
     I should have explained all of this to Cheryl when she wanted to let Matthew quit the team. Besides, I knew something Cheryl did not... Matthew is a pretty good athlete, and he would figure it out.
     Then I found out that Coach Sam was going to bring another mom on to the staff... Coach Maggie. You guessed it. ANOTHER GIRL. 
     Did these boys really need more nurturing? I wondered if Sam knew anyone who had actually had any previous coaching experience. What's that? Coach Maggie coached college basketball? Well then, the coaching staff was complete... But how would these boys react to two moms coaching them? I assured Cheryl that it would all be okay! 
     I am happy to report that after three games, the team is undefeated and in first place. And Matthew is doing just fine. Coach Sam and Coach Maggie are doing a great job, although holding babies and dealing with two year olds in the middle of the games has to be distracting. I don't think either one of them has actually breast fed during a game but if they do, I will just explain to my wife that this is okay, and it will all work out.
     How do I know that it will all work out?
     Because I know sports!