After much debate about where we would go for our family vacation, we decided that we would visit my sister Michel and her family in Houston, Texas, for a week. My vote was for a week at the beach where I could relax with very little excitement.......but a nice relaxing week visiting with family and seeing the sights in Houston, San Antonio and Austin will certainly be okay......I guess.
My sister picked us up at the airport and we were on our way to her daughter's volleyball tournament. Michel had an idea as to where the tournament was being held so we headed off in that direction. Funny thing about Texas. It is big. Really big.
If you have never been to Houston, I would like to describe the traffic patterns. They have "access roads" to their freeways that resemble what we call highways back in Maryland. Sixty mile an hour roads that dump you onto ramps. Their ramps then have ramps that empty onto other ramps that eventually get you onto the freeway. But once you get off the freeway and travel a bit outside of the city, there is a whole lot of nothing for miles at a time.
We got lost. Not exactly lost in the sense that we did not know where we were.......but lost in the sense that we did not know where we were going. When you do not know where you are going and you are going there for a very long stretch of time, people, er uh, my sister start to get frazzled.
We finally stopped to ask for directions and this was my first introduction to Buc-ee's. Picture Wal-Mart and a Wa-Wa getting married and having a child. Name me one other store where you can get gas, fudge, pajamas, a gas grill and beef jerky (in seven different favors) all in one stop. Unfortunately, one thing Buc-ee's does not have is good directions. Eventually, we found the gym in time to catch the last game of the day. The drive back to Michel's house was a bit more relaxed. This was more like it. We arrived safe and sound and began to plan our week.
All of the sudden, my brother-in-law, Bill, burst through the door and greeted us with hearty hello.......and then he pulled out his revolver. Whoa, dude wait a second, my kids have never been around guns!
He insisted that the gun was not loaded, which I was sure that it was not, but my sister kept insisting that he stop waiving it around and pointing it near people. I figured if she were worried about it, than I should be worried about it. My words of caution seemed to hit home with Bill as he.........went off to get the rest of his arsenal.
He then laid several guns on the table and invited the kids to pick them up and get the feel of what it might feel like to kill a man. I think that I am just kidding about the "what it might feel like to kill a man" part but I was so nervous I could not hear a word he was saying. Even if I had been able to collect my thoughts, it was hard to hear anything over Michel screaming, and I quote; Bill, be careful! Sometimes that one really is loaded!
In an effort to end the gun show, I reluctantly agreed that we could go to the shooting range sometime during our stay. But in the meantime, we all agreed that we would freshen up and go out to get a bite to eat at their favorite Tex- Mex restaurant. There was a thirty minute wait, but that was okay because I had a chance to relax and enjoy a nice cold margarita and catch up with my sister and her husband.
For some unknown, God-forsaken reason, in the middle of the conversation, with no prompting at all, Bill decided to let me know how much he loved my sister. Specifically, he said, I have only had half of a drink so you know that I am not under the influence of alcohol when I say this... your mother looks better today than she did when I met her in high school.
Oh, that is so sweet! Unfortunately, she is my sister.
After that, I was no longer relaxed. I was downright uncomfortable. Bartender, get me another margarita and make this one a double.
The next day, we decided to visit a Texas State Park. This would be nice, I thought, being one with nature would help calm me down. Yeah, not so much.
Did you know that Texas State Parks have alligators? Real life alligators that eat people. Surely, they don't hang out where the people walk, or so I thought. In the first hour of our hike, we saw about twenty gators. Nice alligators that stay out in the water. It was the twenty-first alligator that caused the problem.
This six-footer was a foot into our ten foot path and opened his mouth wide whenever people passed. I advised those in my group that we should turn back but they all ignored me. I then advised the group that included my wife, three kids, my sister and my niece that it was every man for himself, and since I was the fastest one in the group, they had better be careful.
Fortunately, we did survive gator-fest.
Unfortunately, this meant that we were going to the shooting range. My sister assured me that it was safe, that Bill would load the weapons and lay them on the counter so that the kids could only pick them up and could only point them at the targets. He would go over everything with them before he took them on the range. Great, that helped settle my nerves a bit.
Somebody should have advised Bill of the safety plan. His entire pre-shoot speech was as follows, I will teach your dad how to load the guns and he will hand them to you and you shoot at the targets. Be careful how you hold the spring loaded guns because if you hold your thumb too high, it will really tear up your thumb. Everybody ready?
Not so fast Kemosabee! We are not ready and by we, I mean me. I am not loading those things and I am not just handing them to my kids. Let's start over and don't blow over the whole thumb thing.
We survived pistol palooza, in fact Grace and Matthew turned out to be pretty good shots. Me....I was too nervous.
As dangerous as all of these activities were, nothing compared to what was coming. On Wednesday, we loaded up the car and headed for San Antonio. From San Antonio we were then going to spend two days at a real Texas Ranch My brother-in-law was driving. Again, keep in mind that nothing in Texas is close to anything else so there was to be a lot of driving. Bill has his pilot's license and as far as I know, he has never had an accident. This will be a great time to get three or four hours of rest and relaxation while enjoying the Texas landscape.
Have you ever driven with somebody who occasionally checks his emails while still concentrating on his driving? Everyone has done this a time or two. Bill, on the other hand, concentrates on his emails while occasionally checking on his driving. I was longing for the days when my kids walked around with loaded guns while being chased by alligators.
On the road leading to the ranch, he did happen to have his eyes on the road long enough to say, Hey, we just ran over a tarantula!
Are you serious? When does this nightmare end?
Well, I am happy to report that we made it safely to the ranch and we enjoyed a great time hiking, canoeing, and swimming in the river. The ranch had this great rope swing that took us over the water. We had a great time.
Then I saw Grace and my niece Katherine staring down into the river, right near where the boys and I were swinging and swimming. Hey, what are you guys staring at?
Nothing.
Okay, nobody sits and stares at nothing.......but they do tell people that they are staring at nothing when they know that the person asking will not be happy with the object of the stare. Turns out that I (at this point I don't really care about my boys) was sharing the river with a water moccasin. Have you ever heard somebody say that the snake is more afraid of the human than the human is afraid of the snake? Well those people are idiots. I got un-relaxed real quick.
I decided that the lake was not big enough for me and the snake so I retired to the pool. Now this is more like it. I am just relaxing, typing this week's Funny Guy Friday and anticipating tonight's bonfire. Relaxing around a nice campfire is just what the doctor ordered.
Someone mentioned how dry things have been around here because of the drought but Bill seems to think we will be okay.
What could possibly go wrong?
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