Funny Guy Friday… In.De.Pen.Dent...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark.  So… I married a funny guy.
     'Tis the season for debates. I hate these things, but I guess we need to have something for the undecided voters. I am sure that these debates will help tip the scale one way or the other.
     I just got done watching the second presidential debate.
     Okay, full disclosure… Technically, I didn't watch it. I had more important matters to attend to as the Tigers were playing the Yankees in the final round of the American League Playoffs. I did kind of watch the first debate, and that was fun. Okay, full disclosure again. I flipped over to it every once in a while between innings of the Oriole-Yankee game. They really should stop scheduling these debates in October during the baseball playoffs.
     Anyway, at some point during the second presidential debate, I was forced to venture into the family debate room because I heard what I thought was an argument between Grace and Matthew. It sounded like Matthew was accusing Gracie of saying something, or not saying something. I could not really figure it out exactly, but I knew I had to put an end to this quarrel. Turned out, it was not Matthew and Gracie, but instead, it was Mitt Romney and debate moderator Candy Crowley arguing about what the president said, or didn't say, in the Rose Garden following the embassy attack.
     I wasn't able to break up the debate, but I was able to go back to my baseball game and go on the computer next to the TV.  You know what I was able to do? I was able to look up exactly what the president said on that fateful day. Think about that for a second. Immediately after a candidate states a "fact," I, a complete computer moron, am able to research the statement and either confirm or refute that statement in a matter of seconds. You would think that with this kind of technology, it would be easy for those undecided voters to figure this whole thing out.
     In an effort to help any of you undecided voters, here is what I found out… both sides can claim they were right. It seems that the president did use the words "acts of terror" in a sentence, BUT… he may not have been talking about the events in Libya. Okay, undecided voters are still confused.
     Well, that wasn't very much help now was it?
     I knew after the debate I could just turn on the television and flip around to the news channels and see what the experts had to say. Surely, we would get some consensus on the issue. I mean he either said it and he meant it, or he didn't. I flipped on the FOX News channel and it was all very clear. He did not call it a terrorist attack and the president is in big trouble. Oh, and by the way, Candy Crowley was rude and uninformed. There you have it, case closed. Vote for Romney.
     Just for fun, I clicked over to MSNBC to confirm my findings. Wait a second, this could not be right; they were telling me that Romney had it all wrong and they think that Candy Crowley was fair and in control of the facts. Check the box for Obama.
     What the heck was going on here?
     What are undecided voters going to do?
     Now, can we talk about these undecided voters for just one second? Who can honestly say that they are undecided at this point? What have they been looking at for the past six months? Oh, I get it; we have two candidates that are so closely aligned in their political views that the independents/undecideds cannot make a distinction. Thank God that one of the candidates is black and the other is white or undecided voters would never be able tell them apart.
     Every time I hear the words undecided voter I think of the independents. Whenever I think of the word independent, I have to say it like Hermie the elf in Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. You remember Hermie... he declared that he and Rudolph were In.De.Pend.Dent... as if he were not exactly sure what the word really meant. Hermie was confused and a bit out of touch.
     Hey, I may have stumbled on to something about these independents. They are confused and a bit out of touch. They do not fully grasp all of the facts of these very important issues. Perhaps, if they don't understand these issues, they shouldn't be allowed to vote. Now that wouldn't be right; every citizen has the right to vote, no matter how confused and ill-informed they may be. In fact, with two weeks to go in this election, these are the voters that the two men running for the highest office in the free world are trying to woo. We may be doomed!  
     I have a couple of suggestions for our two candidates. 
     Before you say that I have no political experience, I will advise you that I was elected Vice President of my elementary school and was eventually promoted to president when the president was unable to fulfill his duties (I recall he got suspended and was stripped of his duties). Anyway, I ran on the soda platform. I promised to explore the possibility of having free sodas with lunch. 
     Boom, baby! There it is. Promise the independent voters free stuff and they will love you forever. What's that? Free stuff has been promised before and it really isn't free? Someone has to pay for all that free stuff? That can't be right because I know we already give away a lot of free stuff. Politicians have been doing it for years, and we still have money in the coffers.
     What's that? We don't have any money in the coffers? Not only do we not have money in the coffers, we have a huge deficit, like in the trillions? First of all, that can't be right because I know we give away free stuff all the time. And second, you're making up the word trillion just to make it sound worse than it is... like saying a kajillion dollar deficit. 
     You're not making that up? Trillion is a real number? Wow! That's like a kajillion dollars!
     Okay, let's regroup. Promise the voters free stuff, but inform them that you will figure out a way to pay for the free stuff. If they ask how you will pay for it, tell them you will cut other non-important free stuff to pay for your newly promised free stuff. Wait, that won't work because nobody wants to give up their "bird in the hand" free stuff. 
      I know, I know… tell them we will raise revenues. Now this may confuse the independent voter, so be careful to assure them that this is not a tax, but if it were a tax, other people would pay it, not the independent voter. 
      Okay, let's review. Promise more free stuff. Don't take away any of the old free stuff. Avoid using big numbers when describing our money problems. If the money thing should come up, assure them that other people have it covered. 
     Hey, it worked in sixth grade, why won't it work with today's in.de.pen.dents?
     For those of you trying to figure out why I never sought public office after my successful term as student body vice president/president, I want to explain a little gaffe I made that ruined my political career. After a long contentious debate about whether the school should take up a collection for a gift for the retiring janitor, I was able to pass a bipartisan bill with 100% of the vote. At the conclusion of the vote, I said, and I quote, It is anonymous, the bill passes with all yays! 
     We can't have a president that doesn't know the difference between anonymous and unanimous. Vice president, maybe, but not president.