Funny Guy Friday... Where should we sit?

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So... I married a funny guy...
     If you are a regular reader of FGF, you know that our family likes to attend the same 10 am Mass every Sunday. And, with the exception of Cheryl, we like to sit in the same section (a.k.a. the late section, in the far back baptismal side of the church) every Sunday.
     You may also remember that, about once every month, Matthew serves on the altar. While we are grateful that Matthew has this opportunity to serve... it really does screw everything up.
     He rarely gets assigned "our" Mass, and despite the fact that we have seen him up on the altar... doing the same things... dozens of times... Cheryl always wants to sit in a different, closer-to-the-front section of the church. Let me be frank... we don't belong in that closer section. That section is reserved for the really holy people; we are just a little bit holy.
     Not that this is such a bad thing. I mean, I am not bragging or anything, but we are kind of popular in our late section.
     People know us there.
     People like us there.
     There is the woman who teaches violin, the family with the big kid who played football at DeMatha, our friends who always seem to have kids with broken bones, the judge with  his wife and daughter (for some reason, my kids always act up a little when the judge is directly behind us), the young mom who hands me her twin infant daughters to hold, the accountant with his wife and grandson, my best friend growing up, some families from our retreat group, and my brother and his wife.
     These are our peeps!
     When Noah was younger, we used to let him draw during Mass. The pew behind us was a hot ticket because everyone wanted to see what he would come up with next. One Sunday, it might be Jesus on the cross... and the following Sunday, it could be Phineas and Ferb on the cross. You never knew who was going to be on the cross, and that was part of the fun.
     You could never get away with that kind of stuff in the front.
     First of all, people up front don't use the missalettes provided by management. No, they all have their own personal little books with highlighted sections and dog-eared pages. It is as if they read the darn things during the week and not just on Sunday. Seriously, who does that kind of thing? And they would never put up with some kid drawing during Mass. Even if they did allow an artist to create, we couldn't actually let anybody draw up there in the front row because the priest can see what you are doing at any given time. It is downright uncomfortable.
     This past Sunday, Matthew served at the noon Mass.
     As a result, we arrived about ten minutes early. This may sound like a great feat for the family that is chronically late, but we were supposed to be there twenty minutes before Mass. So, although earlier than usual, yes, we were still late.
     After we arrived, we went through the process of selecting our seats. Grace was leading the charge for our regular location in the way back corner, and Cheryl was lobbying for the front, center row. The two were walking in opposite directions when Cheryl looked and me and said, You are the spiritual leader of the family... you decide where we sit. 
     Now, in all candor, Cheryl and I both know that I am not the spiritual leader of our family... she is. I am just a lowly convert.
     She often tells me that if the Catholics played the Protestants in the Super Bowl of Religion, I would root for the Protestants. That is not exactly true, but I would want the Protestants to cover. That is a gambling joke for you people in the front row!
     What Cheryl really means when she asks me to decide is Tell Grace that we are going to sit where I want to sit and let's get to prayin'.  
     My initial reaction was that I did not care where we sat, although deep down, I must admit that  I wanted to sit in our regular section, but knew better to say that. But then, with the wisdom of Solomon, I ordered that... We shall neither sit in the way back corner, nor shall we sit in the front row. We shall sit on the left side, in the middle pews.  Weezer, lead the way!
     There. I, as the faux spiritual leader of the family, made a tough ruling, and then delegated power back to Cheryl. I split the proverbial baby in half.
     Cheryl then took the lead... and promptly went to the second row, right dab in the middle section of the church.  Right behind the ladies with the highlighted, dog-eared books. Cheryl put the proverbial baby back together in a form more to her liking.
     Grace was disappointed with my ruling and even more agitated with Cheryl's interpretation and implementation of my plan. She nestled up to me, and, out of Cheryl's earshot, asked, When did left side middle become front row center? Now we have to try and avoid eye contact with the priest. 
     I told her to stop thinking about herself... I got only four hours of sleep last night, and now, not only do I have to stay awake the whole time, I have to lip sync every song and every group prayer.
     Besides all that fake singing and stuff, there is a lot of pressure when you sit in the front.
     I am pretty sure that I know the correct times times to sit, kneel and stand, but there are occasions when I might jump the gun or forget what position I am supposed to be in. You know, there are times when you stand when you should be sitting, and kneel when you should be standing. When you make these little mistakes in the back of the church with friends and family, no big deal. You do that in the front, it is there for the whole congregation to see.
     Hey, did you see that guy standing during the kneeling part of Mass... he doesn't belong in the front. What a buffoon!
     They didn't really say that, but I knew that they were thinking it. And they call themselves good Catholics! Whatever! You know... on second thought... I hope the Protestants put a hurting on them Catholics in the big game!
     Fortunately, on Sunday, the priest gave a great homily that, for the most part, kept me awake and engaged throughout the entire Mass. In addition, I only made a few minor kneeling/standing/sitting blunders. All in all, it was a good Sunday in church.
     However, I, as the spiritual leader of the family, can no longer allow us to sit in the front row when Matthew serves. I have discovered that Noah makes faces at Matthew while he is up on the altar and has become a distraction. This, I cannot tolerate.    
     I know what you may be thinking, why not stop Noah from making the faces?
     Please don't tell Cheryl, but it is all I can do to stay awake. There is no way I can keep track of all that other stuff!
     It is just easier to sit in the late section and call it a day!