Funny Guy Friday... Catching up on a little correspondence...

    Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
    This past week, I had the opportunity to catch up on some current events and to visit with Cheryl's sister, who is visiting from the west coast. With all the activity, I did not have time to write a normal Funny Guy Friday, but I did get the opportunity to catch up on some correspondence. In lieu of a new FGF, I thought that I would just share those letters.
    Hope you enjoy!

Dear IRS Auditor,
    Thank you for your recent letter advising that I would be subject to an audit for tax year 2012. The purpose of this letter is to advise you that I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?
     Okay, I will start with the bad news. Unfortunately, I kept all of my tax information on my computer. More specifically, I kept emails, receipts, deposit slips, letters verifying my tax deductible charitable contributions and mortgage interest statements all on my laptop. Unfortunately, simultaneous with my opening of your audit letter, my hard drive crashed.
     And you will not believe this next part... my wife, unaware of your audit... recycled my hard drive. I know... crazy... right? Recycled it... right at the same time as my receiving that letter.
    I know what you are thinking... no way that that could happen... just a little too coincidental, and there has to be a way to retrieve all that stuff.
    There isn't. I tried. I really, really tried.
    I contacted an independent I.T. specialist and he conducted a thorough, exhaustive search for the relevant information. Unfortunately, I have to report that my nine-year-old son, Noah, who headed up the search, could not find a single item. Lord knows that he tried.
   But all is not lost, remember my good news/bad news scenario? Here is the good news: not all of the stuff on my computer crashed...only the "tax stuff" that you want to see from the relevant time period of January 1, 2012 through December 31, 2012. So the good news is that Noah was able to retrieve all the other stuff from that time period that does not matter...and I will be more than happy to provide those documents to you.
     Please know that I am sorry for this turn of events, but understand, it could happen to anyone. I am serious... 
A N Y O N E!
    You should not be upset because I will be providing over a million pieces of irrelevant information for you to review. You will have to trust me on the other stuff...the stuff that you will never see...it is all good...not a scintilla of misconduct!
    There you have it. Stuff is gone...things happen!
    Sorry about that.
    Hope you are not upset.
                                                            Sincerely,
                                                            Funny Guy


Dear FIFA,
    Let me start by saying... I am not a soccer fan, but I am loving this World Cup thing. These guys are incredible athletes that can do amazing things with a soccer ball. Being somewhat new to the sport, I am confused by a few of the technical aspects of your game and was hoping that you could clear up a few things.
    First, can we just decide right now that your sport is soccer and that football is the name of the game that is dedicated to the NFL? I understand that calling American football, "football", doesn't make any sense and that you guys kick the ball with your feet so football seems to be a name better suited for what you do. But here is the thing... we here in the good ol' U S of A have this thing called the NFL. In fact, I believe that the NFL has a trademark on the name football. Please, can we all just agree that we are going to stick with the name soccer?
   What's that? You are offended by this and you plan to have Trademark Commission revoke the NFL's trademark rights.
   HA! HA...HA HA HA HA HA! That is laughable! We are not some third world country that allows two or three government bureaucrats to decide to take away an organization's property rights.
   That is so preposterous that we shall move on.
   Second, can we just agree to call the field... the field... and not "the pitch"? Again, not to be too nitpicky... but "pitch" has a completely different connotation in American sports. Besides that, pitch just seems so snobby! Just sayin'!
   Third, and I am not sure how to address this without offending anyone... but... your guys fake a lot. They throw themselves to the ground. They writhe in pain. They call out a stretcher. They complain to the ref. Then they jump to their feet and continue to play as if... as if... well... as if they were never really hurt in the first place.
    Fourth, and this kind of dovetails in with number three... it would appear to me that soccer is the only sport where a guy bites a guy in the shoulder, and when the victim of the bite defends himself by throwing an elbow into the biter's face in an effort to free his shoulder from the other gentleman's mouth, the biter has the audacity to complain that he hurt his teeth. Then in an interview, he points to his swollen eye and complains that he was, in fact, the victim of the scrum because it was he that suffered a black eye as a result of the other gentleman throwing an elbow.
    I understand you suspended Hannibal Lecter, but perhaps you should consider retaining the services of Yukon Cornelius and Hermey. Yukon and young Hermey were famous for removing the Abominable Snow Monster's teeth, and their talents seem to be just what you need.
    Finally, can we talk about 0-0 ties (that should be read as "zero-zero ties" and not "nil-nil ties"...again just a little snobbish don't you think).
    Just food for thought... Nobody wins in a tie!
    Think about that!
    Anyway, thank you for your attention to these matters and I look forward to your response.
                                                                 Sincerely,
                                                                 Funny Guy

Dear Brother-in-Law,
    Hey, it was great seeing you recently when you came in to town. Really enjoyed the site-seeing we did in DC the other night.  It would have been nice if you would have waited for us while you walked ahead by fifty yards everywhere we went. I know you were in a hurry, but did you really have to resort to name calling? And is "Team Pokey" really the best you could do? 
    That's okay. At least you were standing still on our in-laws' porch, when we were watching that thunderstorm with all the kids. That was pretty wild! 
    I did not know that you never get those kind of storms in the great state of Washington. You would think that the way you talk about how great Washington is, that you would get cool things like thunderstorms... and unrelenting humidity... but you don't, do you?
    Doesn't seem so great to me.
    Another thing: I learned a lot about what kind of courage you have during that thunderstorm when you started explaining how whenever you do get a little lightning at your work, you shut everything down... "Can't work... boo hoo hoo! Conditions are bad... I can't work!"
    I understand that thunderstorms can get pretty scary, but my court cases go on in rain, snow, sleet or hail. In fact, I was once in a middle of a trial when the building started shaking and I found myself right smack dab in the middle of an earthquake. You know what I did? I finished my question. That's how a lawyer handles a little bad weather.
    I guess you pilots roll to the beat of a different drum! So, a little electrical storm can drop a plane from the sky... big deal. I expected so much more out a of a "former" jet fighter pilot! You... in your cool leather jacket and snazzy aviator glasses! 
    And another thing... TOP GUN was a stupid movie! There I said it. 
    If you like Tom Cruise so much, "A Few Good Men" is a much better choice.  
    Ever heard of "To Kill a Mockingbird," "Twelve Angry Men," and "My Cousin Vinny"? Now those are some flicks worth watching!
    Maybe we can catch one of them next time you are in town... if there's not a thunderstorm to watch.
    One final thing... our mother-in-law likes me better than you!
                                                                 Sincerely,
                                                                 Funny Guy