Funny Guy Friday... You know Dasher and Dancer...

    Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
    It came once a year!
    The success of the entire kid Christmas season was dependent upon this event. I dare say that there was zero percent chance that you could have a truly merry Christmas without it... and if you missed it, there was no second chance.
    Talk about pressure!
    Your parents were always aware of it... but it was clear that they did not care about it as much as you. Sure, they would sit with you, but it did not have the same meaning to them.
    The smart kids planned for it a week in advance.
    Of course, I am talking about the annual viewing of the 1964 classic, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
    When I was very young, there were no DVD's... no VCR's... no VHS or Beta.
    There was CBS... one showing per season... and I loved it. Every bit of it... with the notable exception of the song, There's Always Tomorrow, by Clarice, Rudolph's young girl friend. Just too slow. It brings the audience down.
    My, how times have changed.
    You can watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer 24/7 if you so wish.  DVR it or pop it in the VCR.  That's not all that has changed. As I have gotten older and have become a little more critical, I have come to the following conclusion... Santa Claus was a jerk!
    There... I said it.
    I realize that this may result in coal in my stocking, but the truth has set me free. In fact, I will go even further than that. Every character in that show... with the possible exception of Yukon Cornelius... was a jerk.     
     Don't believe me?... then let's review.
     A beautiful baby deer is born with a slight defect. Instead of a big black ball for a nose, he has a shiny red nose. Mom seems okay with it, but Dad... not so much. In fact, good old Comet, is so ashamed that he makes his son wear a prosthetic nose whenever he goes out in public. The prosthetic nose is not only too large for the poor buck, but it restricts his airway and causes a bit of a speech impediment.
     Comet's biggest fear is that his boss... Santa Claus... may see the young buck's red nose and not only reject young Rudolph, but the entire family. Comet's job was clearly on the line with the big red man!
     So off goes poor, pitifully disguised Rudolph to participate in youth sports and in the process, try out for the BIG SHOW.  That, of course, is the opportunity to lead Santa's sleigh. Rudolph was a stud. He was light years ahead of the others.
     In the midst of the big tryout, he manages to meet a young, attractive doe... the aforementioned show-killer, Clarice.
     As an aside... I learned this week what the deer rutting season was. I had never heard that expression before, and a friend mentioned that he was going hunting for a doe. I asked why specifically a doe, and he explained that the males are "rutting" and only have one thing on their mind. They tend to get skinny from neglecting to eat because they are on the move... wanting nothing but to... ahem... mmm... rutt!
    I commented that this explained why I was so skinny... just kidding!
    Anyway, back to the show...  Clarice's dad, Donner, who also happens to be Rudolph's coach, upon discovering Rudolph's red nose, forbids his daughter from seeing Rudolph. In fact, he takes it one step further. Donner actually encourages Rudolph's potential teammates as they make fun of Rudolph, laughing at him and calling him names. Ultimately, Donner bans Rudolph from participating in "any reindeer games."
    He actually uses those exact words, just like in the song.
    Santa comes upon the scene and throws fuel on the fire by confronting Rudolph's dad and telling him that he should be ashamed of himself, trying to pass this oddity off as a normal-nosed reindeer.
    If that were my son, Santa would have had to undergo a antlerrectomy. For those of you that are not trained in the medical field, an antlerrectomy is a medical procedure whereby trained surgeons remove antlers from being deeply buried in one's posterior.
    Rudolph is ashamed and is forced to leave town. On the way, he meets up with a wayward elf named Hermie and the happy-go-lucky prospector, Yukon Cornelius. What can I say about good old Hermie and Yukon?  Both kind of odd ducks... but harmless.
    Hermie was forced out of Santa's sweatshop by his supervisor, who can best be described as "an angry elf." My apologies to Buddy the Elf for stealing that line.
    We have no idea about Yukon's backstory, but he seems to be a good guy who looks after young Rudolph and Hermie.
    The three carry on together in search of a better life.
    Their journey is complicated by the existence of the Abominable Snowman. He is a hairy, hairy gent, who ran amok in Mayfair. No wait, that is the Werewolf of London. Good old Abominable just wants to eat everyone!  
    The three castaways ultimately find their way to the Land of Misfit Toys. Now I ask you, who banned these toys to this island? I have a theory, but I am not sure, so I won't speculate for fear of spreading rumors.
    IT WAS SANTA... IT HAD TO BE!  WHO ELSE WIELDS THAT KIND OF POWER AND WHO ELSE HAD THE MOTIVE TO KEEP THESE MISFIT TOYS OUT OF CIRCULATION! IT WAS SANTA CLAUS!
    Rudolph decides that his red nose makes the trio easy prey for Abominable, so he sets off on his own. In the process, Rudolph grows up and comes to the realization that he has to go home and make things right with his pop. Not sure why Rudolph feels as if he has anything to apologize for, but he returns home. To his pop's credit, he has also realized the error of his ways and had set out looking for Rudolph. But even in doing the right thing, Comet demeans all of the women out there when he orders his wife to stay put because this is "man's work."
   The wife ignores her husband's admonishments and sets out in a separate search party with Clarice, who happens to be in complete defiance of her own parents. At this point it was The Hunt for Red Rudolph.
    Alas, they all become caught up in the clutches of the Abominable Snowman with only one chance at survival. Rudolph and his friends arrive to save the day.
    Everybody, including Santa, realizes the error of his ways, and all is well.
    Except, of course, the big snowstorm.
    You would think that after years of doing this, the North Pole would have some contingency plan... but they don't. As a result, Santa is forced into canceling Christmas.
    As if.
    In the middle of Santa's big announcement, Rudolph's nose goes off. Despite our being advised by the narrating snowman that Santa had learned his lesson, Santa is noticeably annoyed at Rudolph and in the process of ordering Rudolph to turn that thing off, Santa gets an idea.
    Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
    This guy has got some nerve... huh, don't you think? He chastises Rudolph's family. He humiliates Rudolph and runs him out of town. He promotes a hostile work environment for anybody that is the slight bit different. And now he wants Rudolph... and his red nose...to save the day.
     I may have had a different response... one that might have resulted in Santa undergoing a second antlerrectomy. Of course, Rudolph does save the day... and NOW... only NOW... do all the reindeer love him! 
     So now I am starting a campaign to combat the mistreatment and bullying that occurred to Rudolph. We can all agree that we don't want what happened to Rudolph to happen to anyone else. I am selling tee shirts to NBA all-stars that say R3too... or R Cubed Too... that they can wear in pre-game warm-ups. Of course, this means that Red-nosed Reindeers have Rights too! It's kinda catchy.
     So, if anyone out there knows any NBA stars... or any NBA scrubs... let me know.
     If not now, when? The time is right! I mean... as long as we're re-living the '60's.
     Do it for Rudolph! We, along with Rudolph, will all go down in Hiss... torr... eeeey!