One of the great things about the Christmas season is getting to spend time with my family. Cheryl and I are excited about having Gracie home from college and just as excited that Matthew has no school or basketball practice until after the New Year. And, of course, Noah enjoys hanging out with... and cooking for... his brother and sister.
But the fact of the matter is that we see these three every Christmas season. They really don't change all that much... at least not anything worth mentioning. Once Grace realizes that we don't have a conveyor belt to take all of her dirty dishes from the kitchen, things will get back to normal around here.
But we do like a challenge, so we decided to spice it up a bit this year and add my mother into the Christmas fray.
My mother moved in with us in November, and so far, so good. We provide a roof over her head and and three square meals a day, and she does the laundry and the dishes... sans the conveyor belt.
It is a win-win for all of us.
This Christmas, I have had the awesome experience of spending some bonus time with my mother.
Our fun started this past Monday, when just the two of us went Christmas shopping. I probably have not been out shopping with my mom since we went out to buy corduroys at the Pants Corral back when I was in seventh grade. My mother is now... and always has been... a bargain hunter... so price is definitely an object. This was never more evident than when, after she bought gifts for my kids, she went hunting for new shoes for herself.
She established a pattern... try on the shoe, comment on how much she liked the shoe, ask me the cost of said shoe, and then adjust her opinion of the shoe based on the cost of the shoe. She tried on ten pair of shoes and, predictably, purchased the cheapest ones.
This reminded me of the time when I was playing basketball in Junior High School and wanted to buy a new pair of Converse Hook Star shoes. They were the bomb diggity of athletic shoes back in the day... and cost forty dollars. Each time I asked for them, I was reminded by my mother that she had played ten years of women's volleyball and wore the same Fruit of the Loom sneakers for all ten years. Why should I need a new pair of shoes every basketball season?
Well, let's think about that... she played one hour a week for three months out of the year, and her shoes lasted ten seasons. I played basketball every day for two or three hours a day and wore the same shoes for every practice and game... as well as wearing them every day to school, to church, in the rain, snow or sleet. Uphill. Both ways. Oh, did I mention that my shoe size changed from month to month.
Nike... NO! Adidas... NO! Reebok... NO! Converse... NO! Fruit of the Loom... YEAH BABY... Those are the shoes for me!
Our recent little shopping spree was a blast and I am hoping we get the chance to go out together... just the two of us... every year. A new tradition. And who knows? Maybe next year, we will hit the Pants Corral.
When Christmas Eve rolled around, Cheryl pulled up lame with a fake stomach bug!
I believed it to be an elaborate effort by her to avoid helping with all of the wrapping that had to be done. This was a bit of an unusual tactic because in Christmas Eve's past, Cheryl would just pass out asleep after we got home from church and our yearly Christmas Eve dinner with our good friends, PJ and Geraldine, leaving the final preparations up to me.
Apparently, this year Cheryl decided to cook up a convoluted ruse... complete with fake vomiting... to avoid the late night fun!
Okay, she may not have been faking.
I was convinced she was really sick when she decided to stay home from Christmas Eve Mass and skip this year's dinner with the friends. So it was just the kids, my mother and me... all alone to fend for ourselves.
I am going to admit something that may get me a one way ticked to Hell, but... Christmas Mass is
my least favorite Mass of the year. No matter what time we get there, there are never enough seats, or worse, there is some kid sitting in a row... sometimes two rows... with a bunch of people-less jackets. No people... just jackets taking up space. We always... always... have to stand in the back.
Anyway, I was a bit concerned that my mother would not have a seat, and her biggest advocate was home sick in bed.
We arrived at the small church near our house... not our usual parish... fifteen minutes early... and the parking lot was packed. We caught a break when a friend of mine was directing traffic. He sent me to drop off my mother and then scored me a spot close to the entrance of the church. I quickly parked the car and got into the church ten minutes before Mass started only to find my kids standing in the back... without Grandma.
How did you lose Grandma in the little bit of time that I was parking the car?
We didn't lose her... the priest just snagged her and escorted her down the aisle to the front row.
Looking around, I noticed there were not a lot of open seats... front row or otherwise.
Well, where are we sitting?
We're not... we are standing in the back.
I was thinking that this had to be some mistake. but just then the priest popped back into vestibule and asked if that were my mother.
It sure is, Father!
Oh, well I just told all the ushers that she was my mother, and that is why I walked her down the aisle.
As I wondered why he would do such a thing, I commented, Well, Father, "your mother" is not Catholic... and you just ushered the only Lutheran in the building into the best seat in the house!
Soon after that, I became concerned that my mom would get confused about all the particulars of the liturgy. I mean, a Catholic Mass can be like a high school cheer... Kneel to the left... Kneel to the right,.. Stand up, Sit down... Fight Fight Fight! I was concerned that she might get confused and make some tragic mistake... right there... in the front row... for all of the congregation to see. I told the kids if she screws something up, we are going to stick with the priest's story that she is his
mother!
I kept a watchful eye on her, and she seemed to handle things like a pro.
But as the Mass continued, I became more concerned about how we were going to get her out of there. We couldn't very well run up and get her before it was over, and once the priest left, the entire church would be pouring down the aisle against us. In addition, I thought I should go get the car, at the risk of fighting traffic, to get back to the front door to pick her up.
After receiving the Eucharist, I skipped my normal prayer time and concocted an escape plan that would have made Seal Team 6 envious. I told Grace and Matthew that as soon as Mass was over, and the priest had exited the church, they were to swim upstream and grab Grandma.
Noah and I will leave to commandeer the transport vehicle while the two of you make a break for Grandma, and we will all rendezvous at the front entrance of the church.
My final instructions were... if Grandma gives you a hard time or can't keep up, knock her out, throw her over your shoulder, and carry her out to our meeting point. Failure is not an option gentleman!
Of course, I performed my duties flawlessly and got to my car with plenty of time to spare.
Unfortunately, I was so good that I was sure that I'd be sitting at the front of the church blocking up traffic. But much to my surprise, as Noah and I pulled up, Grace and Matthew had Grandma ready to go. I was thinking that my plan ran like clockwork... they should have sent my kids and me out to get Bin Laden.
As I commended my troops, I was interrupted by Matthew... Actually, General, er uh, Dad... the priest walked her back down the aisle.
Wait... you mean to tell me that as the priest walked down the aisle... as he recessed from the church at the end of Christmas Mass... he stopped and grabbed Grandma?
Not only that, my mother chimed in, he asked if I had a ride home. I told him that I hoped that I had a ride... and that I hoped that my son did not leave without me. He told me if you had left me, he would have given me a ride home himself!
I pictured her walking down the aisle, giving the Princess Di wave to the congregation, as if she were royalty.
Funny I should mention her being a princess because once we got to PJ's house, he... and his wife... and their kids... and their other guests all treated my mother as if she were a princess. It was as if I weren't even there... until PJ was ordering me to get my mother a plate or a drink or some dessert.
Despite the fact that my wife was home sick, my new date and I had a delightful evening.
As an added bonus, Cheryl rallied while we were gone and got some wrapping done... right before passing out on the couch leaving the final preparations up to me.
Every Christmas morning, we open our gifts before heading to visit, first my brother Jeff's home, and then to Cheryl's parents' home, for some very special time with extended family. Tradition. But then, late in the day, we make it a point to return home to prepare a fancy Christmas dinner. Also tradition.
This year was no different. Noah and I collaborated on a delicious meal followed up with banana splits. Between dinner and dessert, we broke out a Christmas trivia game. We first asked everyone individual questions... guaranteeing everyone some success. And then we upped the competitive factor by adding some all-play rounds... and, finally, we enjoyed some heated one-on-one challenges. Unfortunately, Grandma considered every question an all-play and blurted out answers whenever one popped into her head.
The whole game broke down when my mother faced off against Cheryl for a one-on-one challenge. The question was... Name the three reindeer that have a name that starts with the letter D!
Grandma was quick to respond... Donner, Doctor and Dentist!
Close, but not quite right!
The game was a blast, but the lasting thought that I had was that this will be a memory that my kids will talk about every time we sit down for Christmas dinner.
New roommate... new traditions!
It was a great Christmas holiday for our family... made extra special by our new housemate... Queen Vonnie.
But for the record, now that Christmas Day is over, we fully expect the princess to turn back into Cinderella and start using that brand new extra-large dish drying pad that we bought her for Christmas!
I sure hope everyone enjoyed their time with their family as much as I did... and I hope that you all had a very blessed... and a very Merry Christmas!
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