Funny Guy Friday... I'm an idiot...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     I am an idiot!
     I thought I was smart, but I am not. I'm an idiot!
     This was never more clear than when my sister and her two daughters, Katherine and Jennifer, came to visit this week. Her youngest is getting ready to go off to college and is preparing her college application essays.
      I never had to write any essays for college. I remember getting a call from the baseball coach at the University of Maryland asking me if I were going to attend their school.  I told him that I had not yet heard if I were accepted. He put me on hold and came back thirty seconds later, saying... You're in... are you coming? 
     That was it. No essays. No nothing. I loved it!
     Nowadays, after getting great grades and kicking butt on the SAT's... you have to write essays. Say it like Allen Iverson discussing practice... We talking essays.... essays!
     Katherine's topics include... Describe a conflict in your life and how you were able to overcome it.... Describe a setting where you interacted with people whose beliefs are different than your own... and Consider your lifetime goals and discuss how your current and future extra-curricular activities may help you achieve those goals.
     She was struggling with ideas... which was not surprising since she is only seventeen years old and really has not had much of an opportunity to get into any good fights with idiots she doesn't agree with.  And at seventeen, do you really have any lifetime goals... other than either being rich or marrying somebody rich?
     I, on the other hand, am a fifty-one year old man, so this assignment would be a piece of cake for me. Being the good uncle that I am, I volunteered my services. You see, I am married... I deal with conflict on a daily basis. For example, my wife wanted to paint our study red; I wanted to keep it the same off-white color that it had been. The room is red... I overcame the conflict by caving in.
    Mark is the name, conflict resolution is the game!
    I have children; therefore, I deal with people that have different beliefs than I on a daily basis. For example, I think that our bedroom floors should be free of wet towels and my kids think that bedroom floors are the perfect place for a couple... TEN... wet towels.
    And my lifetime goals are the same today as they were when I was six... I want to be rich or be married to someone who is rich. So my extra curricular activities include hanging out with rich people.  I suppose that if I ever did take up with some rich woman now, I would have more to write about regarding that first conflict in my life topic!
     That was it. That was all I had to offer.  You know why this is all I had to offer? Because I am an idiot!
     Then Jennifer rolled into town, riding on her dissertation. And get this, she had to write a 30-page prospectus explaining what she was really going to write about!
     Think about that for a second: thirty pages just to get to the two hundred pages you really are going to write. I don't know thirty pages worth of anything, much less 200 pages of stuff!
     Jennifer's topic is Paradigms of Knowledge in 20th Century British Theater. 
     She described it as follows... I used six British plays and reviewed the characters and how they acquired knowledge and blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah bladdy blah blah blah blah.... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and of course bladdy blah bladdy blah bladdy blah blah. So you see... Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.  Uncle Mark, please stop singing "paradigms equal 20 cents"... And  blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!  
     In fact, at one point, Jennifer observed that the conversation was getting a bit deep and not everyone may have been interested in hearing the entire story. I interpreted that as Uncle Mark is starting to drool and nod off, maybe we should go back to discussing who had a better career, Mickey Mouse or Bugs Bunny! 
     I am not kidding... that is how she explained her dissertation topic, only it went on for what seemed like hours. I pretended to understand... I even mustered up the courage to ask a question. But it was clear to everyone that I was confused and bewildered.
     I had more glaze in my eyes than a Krispy Kreme donut. To paraphrase Renee Zellweger... You had me glazed at the word prospectus! 
     This happens often.
     For goodness sakes, there are people who have worked in my office for more than three years now, and I still have trouble recalling their names. What is wrong with me?
     Cheryl says I don't try. Sadly, I do try... I am just an idiot.
     In fact, I often think... How did I get through law school? How do I have any success in my law practice? How am I able to convince anybody to do anything? How was I able to get someone like Cheryl to marry me?
     I have thought about this for a long time... at least 45 seconds or so... and the only answer that I can come up with that will account for any of my success... and this should not surprise anyone that has ever met me... because I have heard people say: I am pretty funny!
     An idiot... Yes. But a funny idiot.
     Let's be honest, if every week, I sat at my computer and typed away at Deep Guy Friday, how many of you would read it? How many of you would read about The quantum physics involved in the propulsion of an air pellet through the barrell of an air soft gun versus How I shot my son in the rear with an air soft gun?
     Like any 12-step program, the first step is admitting there is a problem. I recognize my strengths and my weaknesses and I do what I can.
     I have no idea what the other 11 steps are, nor do I care... but I've got number one down, so I've got that going for me!
     Finally, although he may not have had the staying power of Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny was a way better actor. You know why? Because he was funny!