Funny Guy Friday…..What else could it be?

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So… I married a funny guy...
     We have all heard the story. A man, approaching the age of fifty, has a mid-life crisis and  decides to leave his wife and family for some twenty-something babe. Well, I think my wife has some delusion that I am going to fly the coop.
     I know what you are thinking… There is no way that he is approaching the age of fifty. Well, I am.
     I know what else you are thinking… There is no way that Cheryl believes that Mark is going to leave her and the kids for a twenty-something babe. Well, I think she does! You see Cheryl is going through some changes and the only explanation that makes any sense is that she is afraid of losing me. Let me elaborate.
     My first clue came several months ago when she asked me if I thought that she needed to lose weight. Of course not, you look great! I answered sincerely. Why do you ask? I asked fearfully.
     I weighed x when we got married, and now, three kids later, I weigh y! At this point my eyes glazed over thinking that I was going to have to do an algebra equation. Cheryl went on: I think that I, (and by I, she really meant the entire family) should go on this diet called the Seventeen Day Diet. 
     That is up to you, but I think you look great. However, I do recall that you lost weight right before we got married, and you ended up having to pad your wedding dress with... ahem… strategically placed stuffing… getting me to the altar under "falsie pretenses," if you will… that's not going to happen again… is it? I asked lovingly.
     Well, four months later (the Seventeen Day Diet is a misnomer), she has lost more than twenty pounds and looks better than ever. The other day, I was coaching third base at our son Matthew's game and Cheryl came walking up over a hill... and it was as if everything stopped, a light shined on her, and I could have sworn there was a small breeze that blew only on Cheryl, as she stopped and swung her hair back out of her face… ALL IN SLOW MOTION.
     She has only pulled that slow motion thing on me twice before. The first time was after we first got engaged and she went to California for a week. I remember playing in a softball game and she came walking up to the field upon her return. She had on a neon colored shirt and she was looking tanned and beautiful. The second slow motion event was when she walked down the aisle on our wedding day. As you can see, she only resorts to this move when she is desperately in love with me.
     Now some people may be thinking that she did the weight loss thing for herself. This, of course, is nonsense. She can't leave herself, only I can leave her. Besides, where else would she go? What could possibly be better than what she already has? Women die and want to come back to life as Cheryl. No, she lost weight because of some irrational fear that I am leaving her… I am sure of it. Seriously, what else could it be?
     Besides, there are other signs that are hard to miss. For example, she is saying weird things… things that make her sound like she is twenty-something. Just the other day, we had this conversation when I came home from work looking for some shorts to wear to baseball:
      Honey, did you wash those clothes that I asked you to wash this morning before I left for work?
      Oooh, no, I am sorry, I forgot. You know, it would be a big help if you would throw your clothes over the railing when you want them washed.
      Oh, I thought putting them in the hamper and requesting that they be washed was enough.
      DUDE, you have to throw them over the railing!
     Why do I need to throw them over the…………Did you just call me DUDE? 
     Yes, yes I did, DUDE! Throw the clothes over the railing………DUDE!


     If that isn't enough evidence that my wife is talking younger, wait until you hear this. The other night we were watching Dancing With the Stars. It was the final show, and they brought back some of the already-voted-off contestants for some encore dances. The host of the show announced that one of the contestants, a young man from a Disney show, was coming back to do a "free style" dance. This prompted the following exchange beginning with Cheryl proclaiming, Oooh… I can't wait... This is going to be sick! 
The rest of the family didn't know what to say or do.
     Matthew:  Mom, did you just say that this is going to be sick?
     Cheryl:  Yes, I did.   
     Mark:  Oh, honey if you're going to get sick, go to the bathroom, and we will pause the show and wait for you.
     Cheryl:  I am not going to get sick, the dance is going to be sick! 
     Noah:  Is mommy getting sick?
     Mark:  I am not sure Noah, but apparently someone is going to get sick. Matthew, Grace, are you guys okay?
     Matthew:  I'm fine.
     Grace:  I'm fine too, but I wish Matthew would get out of my chair!
     Mark:  Stop worrying about your stupid chair when your mother is about to get sick! 
     Cheryl:  I am not going to get sick, the dance is going to be sick. You know, cool, Off of Da' Hook!
     Mark:  You know, you kids better start hanging up the phone when you are done using it; apparently, it is making your mother sick when you don't.   


     There are other signs that Cheryl is afraid that I am going to leave her. For instance, every Sunday for the past year, she wakes up early, gets showered and dressed, and heads off to Adoration. After putting two and two together, I can only assume that she is going to pray that I stick around. I cannot say for sure what she is praying for because I have never been invited to join her, but I think it is a pretty safe bet that she is praying that I stick around.

     So now it should be clear to everyone that my wife is afraid that I am going to leave her for a younger woman. Not convinced? Then, let's review the evidence.
    - She decided to lose weight for no apparent reason.
    - She is making herself look good and showing up late for stuff so she can make some grand entrance and flip her hair back in slow motion. I call this her "I am desperately in love with my man" move.
   - She tries to sound young by calling me DUDE when I don't throw my dirty laundry over the railing.
   - She uses terms like "sick" and "off da hook (not even the hook)" out of the blue.
   - She is going out every Sunday morning before I wake up, so she can be alone to pray that I won't leave her. Admittedly, I cannot confirm that she is praying that I don't leave her. Frankly, I have no idea because she is up and out before I even get out of bed. In fact, I cannot confirm that she is even at Adoration. Oh well.
    Clearly, she is desperate, and she is in love. What else could it be?
 
     Wait a second.
     Something just occurred to me.
     Oh no, this is bad. This is really, really bad.
     - My lovely wife has decided to lose weight for no apparent reason.
     - She is doing the "I am in love, looking good, slow motion walking thing." The more I think about that move, it happens when I am desperately in love with her, not when she is desperately in love with me.
     - She is talking younger and using terms that I haven't heard in more than thirty years, and, frankly, that I don't even understand.
     - After twenty years of laundry bliss, she is hoisting unreasonable demands upon me, requiring me to "throw my dirty clothes over the railing."
     - She now refers to me as DUDE. Not even in a loving tone, I might add. She used to call me honey and sweetie, now I am just DUDE. Next she'll be calling me the Alimony DUDE.
     - She is going places without me and doing who knows what… without me! Adoration my eye.  She is having breakfast with a younger man.
     MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME FOR A YOUNGER MAN.
     What else could it be?