Funny Guy Friday... Divorce? Us? Nah...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband. So, I married a funny guy...
     I spent four hours this morning in a divorce mediation. These are kind of difficult because you have two attorneys trying to get a husband and wife who can no longer agree on anything... to agree on everything. Sort of like getting a camel through the eye of a needle... only harder.
     Whenever I have cases like this, I think about my own marriage. I often say that Cheryl is the nicest  person that God ever put on this earth, so you would think that I would think... I am the luckiest guy in the world. 
     Actually, what I think is this:  When Cheryl and I go through our divorce, there is no way that this is going to go to trial! 
     I say this for several reasons. First, Cheryl is the nicest person that God ever put on this earth, so what does that make me? I will tell you what that makes me... the guy divorcing the nicest person that God ever put on this earth. Judges will be calculating my alimony payment$ a$ $oon as $he i$ $worn in.
     And if you do not think that Cheryl is nice, early in our marriage, we agreed that if either one of us ever had an affair, the other would get custody of the kids. One day, I was driving to work and Cheryl called to tell me that now that we have kids, she is reconsidering this agreement because the kids would never be the same without their father.
     Wow, that is pretty thoughtful. I immediately called her back and assured her that I did not change my mind... so if you are thinking about having an affair, I still get the kids when you move out.
     Second, I would be embarrassed to have anybody hear testimony about the stupid things that I have said and done. For example...
     Sir, is it true that you threatened to put your foot up your son's rear end?
     Well, yes but....
     And isn't it true that you actually shot your son in the rear end?
     Well, yes, but...
     But what? He asked for it? Is that what you are about to say?
     Well... if you are going to take it out of context... it sounds bad, but yes, yes he did.
     Things that you say and do that seem so cute and funny at the time, just sound ridiculous when you actually verbalize them at a trial. Typically, there are only three people then in the courtroom: a judge, a bailiff and a court reporter. But I don't care... that is three too many for me.
     Third, I am not sure that I could control myself if Cheryl said something that irritated me. Many women testify that their husbands never spend time with their kids because they are always working. If Cheryl were to say something like that about me, I would punch her right in the mouth before she could make it back to her table. If this were to occur, both of us would have some satisfaction... mine would be short term and Cheryl's would be long term.    
     Finally, Cheryl and I are both too generous and too stubborn to ever take our divorce to trial.  I would want to give Cheryl all the money and property that she would want and need. On the other hand, she tells me that if we got divorced, she would not want any of "my" money. I love the fact that she refers to it as "my" money, but my guess is that her "money-grubbing" lawyer will tell her that it is not the law.
     When it comes right down to it, there are only three things that Cheryl and I would ever fight over: Grace, Matthew and Noah. But that would be easy, Matthew would want to go with me, Noah would want to go with Cheryl, and Grace would want to go with her cousin Katherine.
     The fact of the matter is that Cheryl and I will never get a divorce. I know that nobody ever thinks that their marriage will end in divorce, but ours will not.  We are happily stuck with each other for the rest of our lives. Besides, the nicest person that God ever put on this earth has often said she would kill me before she would ever leave me.
     Seriously, why would I divorce a woman that loves me so much that she would kill me.
     The bonds of true love that will never be broken.