I don't know much about the internet, computers, or iPhones. But this I do know, NSA's PRISM program is bad! It is really, really bad.
The federal government has access to all of my phone calls, emails, texts, computer searches, and facebook posts.
But I don't really care about all that.
I care that they can read all of my Funny Guy Fridays.
They tell me that they are not really monitoring all of my thoughts. And they are not really listening to all of my conversations. And they are not really reading all of my text messages.
But can I trust them when they say they are not reading all of my FGF posts? Perhaps. I mean, practically speaking, what could they do with all of this information?
But... if they are not telling me the truth... Big Brother now knows the following, and more:
- that I declared war with a mouse that I compared to NFL running back Reggie Bush. By the way, I crushed Little Reggie, both figuratively and literally.
- that I cheat at our family pumpkin carving contests.
- that I don't know how to install a car seat.
- that I am not the spiritual head of the "holiest family."
- that I never do confession correctly.
- that I am not as popular as I think I am.
- that I nearly got a divorce because my wife's phone went off in church.
- that I planned my own funeral.
- that I told a bunch of recovering addicts that I would kill for the caffeine in a Dr. Pepper.
- that I thought I was being recruited by Michelle Malkin.
The list could go on and on, and, as always, I blame Cheryl. Not because she makes me do stupid things. I did stupid things long before I ever met her. No, I blame Cheryl because it was her idea to start a blog.
About three years ago, Cheryl informed me that she was going to start a blog about faith and politics. Wow, two light topics that are easy to agree on. She was sure that people would love it. I agreed, but I had one little suggestion... let me write a weekly column so people will actually read the darn thing!
Cheryl is able to see how many people read her blog each week, and I'm not bragging or anything... okay, I may be bragging a little bit... but she may get only five or six hits Monday through Thursday. Come Friday, that number typically reaches a lofty 100.
That would be... Funny Guy Friday!!!
I remember reading Cheryl's first few entries on her blog and thinking that none of her stuff was funny. In fact it was depressing. Get this, in one of her silly little entries she wrote about tyranny and an ever growing government that continues to intrude on our lives. For lack of a better description, she is kind of like one of those crazy conspiracy theorists.
Kind of funny when you think about it. Ha ha ha ha....
Whoa... wait a second... wait one darn second.
Something just occurred to me... this is what Cheryl was talking about.
A government that sees all that we do, reads everything that we write, and monitors all of our conversations. Dang! I should have read her stuff, and then I would have been prepared for this invasion of my privacy.
And as you all know, I am a very private person... loathe to share the details of my life with anyone. Except, of course, you, my loyal readers.
Every Friday, I picture you all sitting down to breakfast, okay, maybe lunch, or more likely, dinner, and pouring yourself a cup of coffee, and logging on to see if Cheryl has finally posted Funny Guy Friday.
I picture you chuckling and calling your loved ones into the room so you can share a good laugh. Perhaps some of you call a neighbor or two and share my weekly goings on.
Look, I get it; this is good stuff... and I really expose myself to you, my loyal and beloved readers.
But one thing is certain, I never intended to expose myself to the creepy spy guy at NSA who is assigned to me. I picture that guy, sitting in his secret little basement cubicle, laughing his butt off as he takes notes about how I asked the checkout girl at Toys R Us if she had "Double D's."
You know, another thing just occurred to me: perhaps I should not use the expression expose myself and the Double D reference in consecutive paragraphs.
This is embarrassing.
I hate my spy guy at NSA. I don't want him reading my stuff anymore. It's not right, and I will not stand for it...
What's that? Anyone can log on and read my stuff at any time? You mean if you
You know what this means? This means that millions, if not billions, of people can read how I shot my 8-year-old son in the butt with an air soft gun. In fairness to me, he did ask for it... but no matter!
This is bad. This is really, really bad. In fact, it is worse than I ever imagined, and, to be frank, this is extremely embarrassing.
Millions, if not billions, of people have the capability to read my weekly posts... AND I AM ONLY GETTING A MEASLY 100 HITS A WEEK!
In the grand scheme of things... that is not a lot of loyal readers.
Something has to be done about this. Perhaps you people can share it with more of your loved ones. Perhaps, you can call more of your neighbors.
Better yet, I can create a secret database that taps into everyone's computer activity, emails, phone calls, and text messages. This will give me the ability to monitor everyone's likes and dislikes. I can see what organizations people belong to and what topics they support. I can see what articles they read and what shows they watch. I can see who is hanging out with whom and where they go. I can see where people shop and how they spend their money. I can even figure out what doctors they see and what health issues they may be facing.
You can see the obvious benefit of my having such a wealth of information, can't you? I could take all of this metadata and pattern my FGF posts accordingly. I am sure that I would score way more than a 100 hits. Oh... and it would be for your own good. For your enjoyment. You'd thank me.
Oh, and I forgot to say... Don't worry, I promise not to abuse this information.
Fortunately, our government has made a similar promise not to abuse the information that they gather. I mean, we live in America, right? This type of abuse would never happen here.
Seriously, could you imagine if some big government agency with access to all of our personal information, abused their powers? What a nightmare that would create!
In closing, I wish to apologize for next week. You see after more than three years of posting FGF every Friday, I may not be able to get to it next week. You see, I just received a notice that I am being audited by the IRS. As a result, I will be spending the week looking for the receipts for my church donations, my donation to the pregnancy clinic, as well as my political donations to local conservatives and to the Tea Party.
So accept my apology... I am sorry. In more ways than one.
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