Funny Guy Friday... I'm a 32...

     Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
     I have a bone to pick with the clothing industry. For years, I have been the same size... 32/32. Thirty-two inch waist and thirty-two inch length. It was perfect symmetry and easy to remember. I could say to Cheryl... Hey, if you're going out to get gas, could you swing by the mall and pick me up a pair of jeans?... 32/32! 
     A few years ago, I went shopping and began to notice some changes... some 32's were too tight, while others were too loose. And almost all the 32's were too long. I hadn't changed... at least I don't think I had changed.
     And then I noticed there were several different kinds of jeans... 501's, 505's, 515's. 560's, 590's. Straight leg, Boot cut, Loose fit, Comfort fit, and my personal favorite... Skinny jeans.
     Why? Why do we need all these different styles?
     I like the old days when skinny guys got 28's and fat guys got 48's. We had a system and it worked for people of all sizes. If you want more comfort, unbutton them!
     All this came to a head last week when I opened my jean drawer and noticed that I had accumulated several pairs. Who needs more than two or three pairs? I had about seven. And get this, I had several different sizes of jeans. There were my old stand-by 32/32's... but also 31/32's, 31/31's and one pair of 32/31's. And guess what... none of them fit right. They were mostly too tight... despite the fact that I am still a 32-inch waist... at least I think I am still a 32-inch waist.
     Most likely, they have all somehow shrunk a bit in the wash. We do a lot of wash at our house.  
     I made the decision to get rid of each pair and go shopping for some new jeans. Good jeans. Solid jeans. Jeans that actually fit. It was the right decision.
    However, I made the wrong decision when I let my son Matthew tag along.
    Matthew was quick to remind me that I had been unusually giddy about a new pair of pants I recently purchased that had a... how can I best describe this... a flexible waistband. I love those pants. They are 32's but can expand to a 33 if necessary. Of course, it would never be necessary because I am pretty sure that I will always be a solid 32.
   
     Why don't you admit that you are getting old and you need to buy bigger pants! asked Matthew.
     Because I am not getting bigger. I am, was and always will be a 32/32! I insisted.
     Your new "fat pants" with the expandable waist are 32's with an option for 33!
     I do love those pants... but can we come up with a different nickname for them?
     Why don't you come up with a good diet? 
     I don't need a diet... I need pants that fit. 
     I like your thinking "The best diet plan is buying bigger clothes."
  
    You see now why bringing him along was a mistake?
    Once I got to the store, I was faced with several options. I had to figure out what number jean was best for me.
     I grabbed about four different number jeans and headed into the dressing room with four pair of 32/32's. The first pair were too tight as soon as they crossed my tiny little rear-end. Clearly mis-marked.  I decided to terminate that attempt before ever pulling them all the way up.
     The second pair fit just fine in the waist... but were way too long.
     The third pair was my favorite... they were too big in the waist. That's right... too big. You know, I thought that I might be losing some weight. These jeans went in the "maybe" pile. The fourth pair was too tight and too long.
     I directed Matthew to go get me a pair of 31's in the jeans that were too big in the waist, but no luck... they were way too small.
     So there I was... left with only one choice. I grabbed that third pair and headed to the checkout. But then it occurred to me that the pants were really too big... which is the only reason I was buying them. I was happy that this pair of 32/32 jeans were actually too big.
     I decided against the purchase and put the jeans back on the shelf and headed off to another store... where I repeated this same frustrating exercise. Too tight and too long!
     Is it possible that I am getting fat?
     No... couldn't be. Something has to be wrong with the clothing industry. It has changed... not me!
     Then Matthew brought me a pair of 33/31's.
     They fit perfectly.
     How depressing!
     I am getting fatter... and I'm shrinking... all at the same time!
     I bought the pants but I was not happy about it.
     So unhappy, in fact, that when I took Cheryl out to dinner, I decided to wear my other fat pants instead... 32's, with an option for 33.
     I do love those pants.
     You know, I may never wear my new jeans because... I am a solid 32.