It's that time of year.
You know the time... 6 a.m. when you gently wake your kids for the first day of school. Or is it 6:09 a.m. when you shake them a bit to get them moving. Or is it 6:18 when you nudge them and pull the covers off. Or maybe it is 6:27 when you go nuts and tell them you are going to pour water all over them if they don't get out of bed and get ready.
After all... you can't be late on the first day!
This begs two questions... Is it okay to be late on other school days of the year, and, more importantly, who decided that the snooze button works for 9 minutes. Why not 10 or 11? Or 8 for that matter?
I thought of a third question... Why does the school year start earlier and earlier every year. Whatever happened to watching the Jerry Lewis telethon on Labor Day and then going back to school?
I just kind of assumed Grace would go back to college the last week of August and Matthew would head back in the beginning of September. Noah is homeschooled so he does not start until, oh, I don't know, maybe mid-October.
As a result of my assumptions, I planned our Hawaiian vacation from August 9th to the 22nd... 7:00 a.m. on the 22nd to be exact. I was a little disappointed to learn that Grace had to be back in college on the 23rd for classes on the 24th, and Matthew was to start his school on the 25th.
Ouch! That is early! Jerry Lewis would not approve.
Well, at least I wasn't stupid enough to schedule a flight that returned at 7 a.m. on the 23rd. That would have been an exhausting disaster!
This was the exact thought that went through my mind when our Friday, the 21st, flight out of Hawaii was two hours late, and we were to have had a two-hour layover in San Francisco. Do the math... this was going to be close. This was going to be real close... about two minutes to spare to be exact. Two minutes to catch our connecting flight home.
I assumed that the airline would hold that flight; I mean we are talking maybe 15-20 minutes at the most before we boarded that connecting flight. We were assured that they knew our plight.
Another stupid assumption on my part. We did land two minutes before our other flight took off but alas... they did not hold it. They didn't even try.
So we did as we were instructed and we got in line for rerouting assistance. This is when the fun began. Even though we were assured they knew we were on that plane, it appeared that United Airlines was unaware there was even a plane landing at that hour. They sure as heck were not aware that about 40 families were in the same boat as we.
We got in that line at about 11:30 p.m. Friday night and remained in that line until about 3 a.m. Saturday. On a side note, I had made a comment that everyone was pretty calm and cordial for being stranded at an airport in a line for going on two hours. Those comments were barely out of my mouth when a woman walked from the back of the line to the front of the line and demanded that she be assisted because... she was traveling with a dog!
That's right... Fido needed a biscuit and time was of the essence.
People with young kids did not take too kindly to this demand. And suddenly they overheard that there would be no food or hotel vouchers for their inconvenience. There went the kind and cordial train, out of the station.
Nearing 4 a.m., we learned that the next possible flight home was the exact one we were supposed to be on... only departing Saturday night near midnight, on the 23rd. It was to land at 7 a.m. on Sunday, the 24th. That's okay, Gracie handled it well... if sobbing to your mom in the middle of San Fran International is considered handling it well (she had quite a bit to do before heading back to school, and we were already cutting it close as it was).
Cheryl was coming a little undone at the airport as well, not because of the delay, or because of all we still had to do, but because of the airline's complete disregard for our time.
You know who did handle it well? You'll never guess. Go ahead... guess!
Me. I handled it well. I was calm, cool and collected. I was awesome. In fact, everyone commented that I handled it well and Cheryl did not. Ha Ha, I win! I win!
Although, I will admit that it got pretty old hearing the kids repeat how surprised they were that I was the calm one for a change!
I felt bad for Gracie. She was very excited to get back to school and now we were stranded in San Francisco! What's that? San Francisco is the coolest city ever! Darn right it is! Let's rent a car and get a hotel and see the city.
Problem... no hotel vacancies.
But remember how calm and cool I was. It paid off. The nice lady that helped us, gave us some food vouchers, because, and I quote You were so nice! She may have said you all were so nice but she really meant me because Cheryl was freaking out... as much as she ever freaks out!
She also gave us a number for an airport service that helps locate hotel vacancies. Problem solved... I found a room 10 minutes from the airport. Now let's go rent that car!
Problem... no cars available.
It was about 4 a.m. when we went to our last hope for a car. Alleluia! They had one. On to the hotel.
Problem... we got our key and went to our room but when I opened the door, it was chain locked from the inside of the room. How could this be? I thought to myself for a second and it dawned on me... The room was occupied!
The nightmare continued!
Finally, nearing 5 a.m. we got an unoccupied room. We slept off and on for about 5 hours, showered, put back on our worn clothes (because of course our luggage did not catch up to us, and was somewhere at the airport) and went off to see San Francisco.
If Baltimore and Annapolis had a baby and it grew up to be a strapping handsome lad, it would be San Francisco. It was beautiful and very outdoorsy... crowded but without seeming claustrophobic. We did quite a bit that day: we saw the bay whose water was surprisingly blue, the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf, Chinatown, and so much more. We had a great day and in the end, were grateful for the wonderful opportunity to see such a great city.
But there was still this little problem of getting Grace back to school. She still had to pack up. For the record, I would have helped had I not fallen asleep on our couch about ten minutes after arriving home. Grace was a dynamo though. She packed and got everything to the front door. She and Cheryl even went to Target and bought all of her supplies. They woke me at 1:00 p.m. so I could drive her up the The Mount!
Cheryl and Grace slept the whole way. I got to listen to the music that I enjoyed and to keep the car at a temperature that I desired. We met her new roommate, got her room organized and I headed home with a well-rested wife. Needless to say, on the way home, I did not get to listen to the music that I wanted, nor did I get to keep the car at a temperature that I desired.
So there it is. The end of summer and the beginning of the school year. We got the most out of the summer, that is for sure.
Not much to look forward to at this point. Kind of depressing actually.
Oh well, I might just curl up with a good book and watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon!
Problem... I think Jerry is dead.
Not dead? Just stopped doing the telethon five years ago?
Maybe his flight got delayed and he just never made it there.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
Funny Guy Friday... Mac versus the Volcano
The following story may or may not be true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent… or the guilty… depending on how you look at it.
A wonderful family was vacationing in Hawaii. While in the ocean, being his gregarious self, the dad, a handsome chap by the name of... oh I dunno, lets go with Mac Palmer… struck up a conversation with an Hispanic gentleman and his son about the son's upcoming college academic and baseball career. Both topics near and dear to Mac, a former college athlete and current coach who helps guide young men in the right direction in both their baseball and life paths. His knowledge of baseball and of life is vast due to his experiences on the diamond and in the legal field!
Mac is a brilliant attorney and quite a guy!
As Mac and his lovely wife... we will call her Carol... were packing up their gear at the end of their beach day, the Hispanic guy came over to inquire as to the week's plans for the family. Carol and Mac were accompanied by their adventuresome and cool daughter, sweet Stacie, a soon to be college Sophomore, their athletic teenage son, Patt (with two t's) and their youngest boy, the artistic and humorous…. Moses.
Not sure but we think we will try to arrange a swim with the dolphins, a tour of the volcano and maybe a trip over to Hilo to see the waterfalls.
If you are interested in a dolphin swim, I have a girl that does private tours. She has taken out my family that last two times we have been on the Island. Her name is JoLee. I will send her your information and have her contact you. She is also less expensive than those bigger tours.
Sounds great. Mac always loves a bargain.
The gentleman's word was good and soon JoLee made contact and a date was set for the dolphin swim. If Mac were writing this, he would say it was one of the greatest days of his life. Hundreds of dolphins only feet away as the entire family snorkeled in the beautiful blue waters of Kealasomethingsomething Bay. They all sounded the same to Mac.
At the conclusion of the swim, Carol and JoLee struck up a conversation and it turns out that JoLee does volcano tours and will take people on tours of the waterfalls in Hilo too. JoLee explained that she can take you places where very few people get to go on those commercial trips!
This was fortunate for the nice family because it resolved all plans that, to the chagrin of Mac, had yet to be made… plus it was cost effective! And if these tours were as good as the dolphin swim, an already unbelievable vacation was about to get even better.
Plans were left kind of loose but on Mac's birthday, after a wonderfully relaxing day at another beautiful beach, JoLee called and asked if the family could be ready to drive two hours to Volcano National Park because this night would be perfect for a hike to the volcano!
The night plans were no surprise because the family had been advised that the active volcano was better to see late at night because you can see the orange glow light up the sky.
Plans were confirmed and at 7 p.m. the family, accompanied by JoLee, packed up the rental vehicle and took off to the south side of the Island. It was a fun road trip; the family got to know JoLee who, as it turns out, is kind of a free spirit. Very nice and willing to do whatever it takes to give people that Aha moment... Their above and beyond.
They arrived just after 9 p.m. and it was pitch dark. The Big Island has very little artificial white light due to the observatory on the Island. They parked in an area where there were no other cars. This was going to be exciting!
There had been little discussion as to exactly what they were going to do, but JoLee advised that this will be as good or better than the dolphins! Mac was sure that JoLee had some little used route to a nice spot where they could see down into the volcano.
When they started to unload the equipment for the hike, JoLee gave everyone a light for their head and a flashlight to carry. She then gave the first hint that something was amiss… Each of these head lights has a white light and a red light. Try to use the red light because it looks like lava!
Mac thought to himself… are we trying to sneak up on the lava without it noticing us?
Then the group, led by JoLee, headed down a paved road. Again, Mac thought… I wonder when
we get on the little used path that very few people get to travel.
The group walked past a gate that was still open and continued on. They could see the orange sky and could hear the earth rumbling with the molten lava. It was kind of eerie to see and hear that off in the distance.
Then the group approached a second gate, this time it was closed with a sign indicating only authorized personnel. JoLee walked right around that gate. Mmmm… is she authorized personnel?
Then it dawned on Mac that they were traveling on a road intended for those that work for the National Park. I wonder where we are going and when we are getting off of this road? Mac pondered as they kept walking in the pitch dark.
The answer was never. Well that is not exactly true. The road ended near a cabled-off area that housed a sandy/rocky/glassy-dusty substance that can best be described as what you might find on the surface of the moon. This sandy/rocky/glassy-dusty substance surrounded THE FLIPPING ACTIVE VOLCANO CRATER ITSELF!
That's right boys and girls, JoLee took this family on a road that very few people legally get to travel and took them to the edge of an active volcano!
As Mac approached the brim of the volcano, many things were running through his mind, such as... the sounds of the shifting earth that they heard as they hiked down this rarely traveled path... And the unbelievable heat that was being generated... And the fact that if any of us slipped, we would be lost in an active volcano. But the overriding fear that ran uncontrollably through his mind was: if someone were to catch them out at this volcano, his legal career might just be over!
The family was predictably excited. Mac was unbelievably afraid. Mac has never done anything like this in his life. Mac is a goody-two-shoes. Mac represents idiots that do stupid stuff like this all
the time. Mac wanted to get the hell out of Dodge!
After a few minutes at the volcano's edge, the group began the trek back down that same dark paved roadway. Mac and Patt (with two t's) walked a little bit ahead of the rest… mainly because
Mac wanted to get to the other side of that closed gate as soon as he could. Mac pointed out the
idiocy of what had just happened to his son and then advised Patt (with two t's)… You know, should
the police or the Park Rangers come at us right now, I would not be surprised if JoLee made a run for it and it were only Tracie, Moses and Mom standing there holding the bag!
Can you imagine that conversation…
Sir, what are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
My family and I were here to, um, well, er to see your volcano. She's a beauty!
What makes you think that you can wander on out here under the cover of darkness and walk right past two gates and a cable fence and mosey on up to the edge of the volcano?
Well, JoLee said we could. Says she does it all the time.
Is one of these woman JoLee?
Well, no… they would be my lovely wife and daughter. Carol, Tracie… wave to the nice officer.
Where is this JoLee woman?
Not sure, but she was just here.
What is her last name?
I dunno.
What does she look like?
Kind of hard to tell. When she took us on the dolphin swim she had a baseball cap pulled way down over her face and spent a lot of time looking down at her cell phone and then she had a mask
over her face tonight.
A mask?
Well she said that the volcano puts out a lot of gasses and fumes and that we should cover our
faces. I didn't really notice it but my wife did. Didn't you honey?
Why the cap over her face the other day?
The sun, I guess… although we were out there at 6:30 in the morning. It was kind of hot though so
I am still thinking it was the sun. Yeah, definitely the sun.
How did you meet this woman?
In the ocean! You met her in the ocean?
Well I did not meet her exactly... but I met her connection. Some Hispanic dude. He hooked us up!
What was his name?
No idea! But nice fella though. Lives somewhere in California. Maybe if we find him, we can learn JoeLee's last name.
Now, if Mac were to be completely honest, he would say that on a vacation that was full of beauty and wonder… that brought a new adventure every single day… where every day was better than the last… this was one of the coolest things that he had ever seen. But Mac was conflicted. He had failed miserably as a parent by allowing this to happen. He should have just said no, we are not doing this.
Would have been the right thing to do!
On the other hand… it was the coolest thing that any of them had ever seen. Once in a lifetime opportunity. I mean, how many active volcanos are there in the world and when are you going to have the opportunity to walk right up to o me and just about spit in it?
The answer is never.
Surprisingly, Carol justified it by pointing out that if they hadn't wanted the family out there,they would have put up better gates and a couple of those high electrified Jurrasic Park fences. She had a point… all of them were really easy to get around. I mean, they had to be easy if these folks could just walk right around them, right?
Well the only thing that could have made the situation worse is if they took pictures and posted them all over Facebook. I mean that would be stupid wouldn't it?
Oh, dear Lord, please tell me that those pictures didn't go all over Facebook!
Poor Mac!
A wonderful family was vacationing in Hawaii. While in the ocean, being his gregarious self, the dad, a handsome chap by the name of... oh I dunno, lets go with Mac Palmer… struck up a conversation with an Hispanic gentleman and his son about the son's upcoming college academic and baseball career. Both topics near and dear to Mac, a former college athlete and current coach who helps guide young men in the right direction in both their baseball and life paths. His knowledge of baseball and of life is vast due to his experiences on the diamond and in the legal field!
Mac is a brilliant attorney and quite a guy!
As Mac and his lovely wife... we will call her Carol... were packing up their gear at the end of their beach day, the Hispanic guy came over to inquire as to the week's plans for the family. Carol and Mac were accompanied by their adventuresome and cool daughter, sweet Stacie, a soon to be college Sophomore, their athletic teenage son, Patt (with two t's) and their youngest boy, the artistic and humorous…. Moses.
Not sure but we think we will try to arrange a swim with the dolphins, a tour of the volcano and maybe a trip over to Hilo to see the waterfalls.
If you are interested in a dolphin swim, I have a girl that does private tours. She has taken out my family that last two times we have been on the Island. Her name is JoLee. I will send her your information and have her contact you. She is also less expensive than those bigger tours.
Sounds great. Mac always loves a bargain.
The gentleman's word was good and soon JoLee made contact and a date was set for the dolphin swim. If Mac were writing this, he would say it was one of the greatest days of his life. Hundreds of dolphins only feet away as the entire family snorkeled in the beautiful blue waters of Kealasomethingsomething Bay. They all sounded the same to Mac.
At the conclusion of the swim, Carol and JoLee struck up a conversation and it turns out that JoLee does volcano tours and will take people on tours of the waterfalls in Hilo too. JoLee explained that she can take you places where very few people get to go on those commercial trips!
This was fortunate for the nice family because it resolved all plans that, to the chagrin of Mac, had yet to be made… plus it was cost effective! And if these tours were as good as the dolphin swim, an already unbelievable vacation was about to get even better.
Plans were left kind of loose but on Mac's birthday, after a wonderfully relaxing day at another beautiful beach, JoLee called and asked if the family could be ready to drive two hours to Volcano National Park because this night would be perfect for a hike to the volcano!
The night plans were no surprise because the family had been advised that the active volcano was better to see late at night because you can see the orange glow light up the sky.
Plans were confirmed and at 7 p.m. the family, accompanied by JoLee, packed up the rental vehicle and took off to the south side of the Island. It was a fun road trip; the family got to know JoLee who, as it turns out, is kind of a free spirit. Very nice and willing to do whatever it takes to give people that Aha moment... Their above and beyond.
They arrived just after 9 p.m. and it was pitch dark. The Big Island has very little artificial white light due to the observatory on the Island. They parked in an area where there were no other cars. This was going to be exciting!
There had been little discussion as to exactly what they were going to do, but JoLee advised that this will be as good or better than the dolphins! Mac was sure that JoLee had some little used route to a nice spot where they could see down into the volcano.
When they started to unload the equipment for the hike, JoLee gave everyone a light for their head and a flashlight to carry. She then gave the first hint that something was amiss… Each of these head lights has a white light and a red light. Try to use the red light because it looks like lava!
Mac thought to himself… are we trying to sneak up on the lava without it noticing us?
Then the group, led by JoLee, headed down a paved road. Again, Mac thought… I wonder when
we get on the little used path that very few people get to travel.
The group walked past a gate that was still open and continued on. They could see the orange sky and could hear the earth rumbling with the molten lava. It was kind of eerie to see and hear that off in the distance.
Then the group approached a second gate, this time it was closed with a sign indicating only authorized personnel. JoLee walked right around that gate. Mmmm… is she authorized personnel?
Then it dawned on Mac that they were traveling on a road intended for those that work for the National Park. I wonder where we are going and when we are getting off of this road? Mac pondered as they kept walking in the pitch dark.
The answer was never. Well that is not exactly true. The road ended near a cabled-off area that housed a sandy/rocky/glassy-dusty substance that can best be described as what you might find on the surface of the moon. This sandy/rocky/glassy-dusty substance surrounded THE FLIPPING ACTIVE VOLCANO CRATER ITSELF!
That's right boys and girls, JoLee took this family on a road that very few people legally get to travel and took them to the edge of an active volcano!
As Mac approached the brim of the volcano, many things were running through his mind, such as... the sounds of the shifting earth that they heard as they hiked down this rarely traveled path... And the unbelievable heat that was being generated... And the fact that if any of us slipped, we would be lost in an active volcano. But the overriding fear that ran uncontrollably through his mind was: if someone were to catch them out at this volcano, his legal career might just be over!
The family was predictably excited. Mac was unbelievably afraid. Mac has never done anything like this in his life. Mac is a goody-two-shoes. Mac represents idiots that do stupid stuff like this all
the time. Mac wanted to get the hell out of Dodge!
After a few minutes at the volcano's edge, the group began the trek back down that same dark paved roadway. Mac and Patt (with two t's) walked a little bit ahead of the rest… mainly because
Mac wanted to get to the other side of that closed gate as soon as he could. Mac pointed out the
idiocy of what had just happened to his son and then advised Patt (with two t's)… You know, should
the police or the Park Rangers come at us right now, I would not be surprised if JoLee made a run for it and it were only Tracie, Moses and Mom standing there holding the bag!
Can you imagine that conversation…
Sir, what are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
My family and I were here to, um, well, er to see your volcano. She's a beauty!
What makes you think that you can wander on out here under the cover of darkness and walk right past two gates and a cable fence and mosey on up to the edge of the volcano?
Well, JoLee said we could. Says she does it all the time.
Is one of these woman JoLee?
Well, no… they would be my lovely wife and daughter. Carol, Tracie… wave to the nice officer.
Where is this JoLee woman?
Not sure, but she was just here.
What is her last name?
I dunno.
What does she look like?
Kind of hard to tell. When she took us on the dolphin swim she had a baseball cap pulled way down over her face and spent a lot of time looking down at her cell phone and then she had a mask
over her face tonight.
A mask?
Well she said that the volcano puts out a lot of gasses and fumes and that we should cover our
faces. I didn't really notice it but my wife did. Didn't you honey?
Why the cap over her face the other day?
The sun, I guess… although we were out there at 6:30 in the morning. It was kind of hot though so
I am still thinking it was the sun. Yeah, definitely the sun.
How did you meet this woman?
In the ocean! You met her in the ocean?
Well I did not meet her exactly... but I met her connection. Some Hispanic dude. He hooked us up!
What was his name?
No idea! But nice fella though. Lives somewhere in California. Maybe if we find him, we can learn JoeLee's last name.
Now, if Mac were to be completely honest, he would say that on a vacation that was full of beauty and wonder… that brought a new adventure every single day… where every day was better than the last… this was one of the coolest things that he had ever seen. But Mac was conflicted. He had failed miserably as a parent by allowing this to happen. He should have just said no, we are not doing this.
Would have been the right thing to do!
On the other hand… it was the coolest thing that any of them had ever seen. Once in a lifetime opportunity. I mean, how many active volcanos are there in the world and when are you going to have the opportunity to walk right up to o me and just about spit in it?
The answer is never.
Surprisingly, Carol justified it by pointing out that if they hadn't wanted the family out there,they would have put up better gates and a couple of those high electrified Jurrasic Park fences. She had a point… all of them were really easy to get around. I mean, they had to be easy if these folks could just walk right around them, right?
Well the only thing that could have made the situation worse is if they took pictures and posted them all over Facebook. I mean that would be stupid wouldn't it?
Oh, dear Lord, please tell me that those pictures didn't go all over Facebook!
Poor Mac!
Category:
Funny Guy Friday
Friday, August 14, 2015
Funny Guy Friday… Hawaiian Vacation… What could possibly go wrong?...
Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
I see the Facebook posts every year. People go on these great vacations and visit some of the most exotic places and and do some of the coolest things. I envy those people. The weather is always perfect where these folks vacation, and great things always work out. They get some upgrade somehow... or they meet someone famous. You know the types.
Whatever it is, it makes their vacations something that they will never forget.
We usually go to Ocean City for vacation. Occasionally, Newport, Rhode Island or Myrtle Beach. And it usually rains... or worse: hurricanes hit on about our third day.
If you are a regular reader, you know that we decided to do something special this year and take two weeks and head to Hawaii. We chose the Big Island, on the west side, where it never rains... and a good time is had by all. Guaranteed!
Cheryl and I visited here twenty years ago, and we told the kids that when Noah turned five, we would make the trip once again.
Noah is eleven. Better late than never.
So, what could go wrong?
Our flight was uneventful. Kind of cramped quarters but not horrible. I think our rental car was an upgrade… we got a four wheel drive vehicle instead of the minivan. But I may be wrong; I may have ordered a SUV.
Either way, things were off to a good start.
Then we turned on the radio and heard that wild fires were causing evacuations from certain communities on the island. Not good, but I was pretty certain that we were not near any of those communities. Then I heard something that was going to help put out those fires… rain… FROM HURRICANE HILDA!
That's right boys and girls, a hurricane was due to hit the Big Island any day. In fact, they said that the Big Island was in its direct path. Big ole' target right on our condo.
Hello Hawaii... the Palumbos have arrived. Batten down the hatches and prepare for evacuation. We are the Grim Reaper for any vacation destination!
The locals kept telling us that they never get weather on the Kona side of the Island. Obviously, they are not aware of the Palumbo family vacation curse.
Speaking of curses, I have warned the kids that if they find any ancient Hawaiian artifacts, they are to leave them alone. I saw the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode, and I am not taking any chances.
Anyway, this is not the first time we have vacationed in the epicenter of a hurricane. Read about our brush with Hurricane Irene while in Newport. We are like that guy on the weather channel that goes to horrible weather locations... only he goes after the weather starts, and we go a day or two before the bad weather rolls in. They should put us on the Weather Channel payroll. When things get slow, they can end with us on a vacation.
Having gone through this before with Cheryl, I knew she would poo poo the whole notion of a silly little thing like a hurricane ruining our vacation. This is the cross I bear... living with the eternal optimist. I get it, I get it… everything happens for a reason. I tell her that it is clear that the reason is to RUIN OUR VACATIONS!
But if fires, death and destruction were not enough, on the first full day of the vacation, something even worse occurred… I developed a toothache. Not just your run of the mill toothache that hurts to the touch… no no... this hurt to the air. The whole right side of my jaw ached. Nothing helped and I was sure the tooth would have to be extracted. But I was not going to ruin day one, so we went to a beach. Kona has several small beaches. Not wide stretches of sand because there is an active volcano on the Island and there is lava rock everywhere, but beautiful nonetheless.
These beaches are exquisite, with water as clear as a pool. Nothing was going to stand in our way on the first day, so we ventured out. This may have been a mistake... Day two brought new adventures in pain. The tooth was worse, and someone had poisoned my eye!
That's right, I said it: someone had poisoned my eye.
Not sure who, but nobody in the family was in the clear.
I swear to you... there are five senses, and I lost two of them that day. My mouth and jaw hurt so much, I could not eat or taste anything, and even if I could have eaten and tasted, I was unable to keep my eyes open long enough to see what it was that I was putting in my mouth!
At this point, I was praying that the wild fires would roar through our condo, and/or Hurricane Hilda would sweep me out to sea. That would have been a relief!
In my lifetime, I have had my jaw broken, and I have had laser surgery on my eyes, but as God is my witness, I have never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.
I was desperate, so I started calling local dentists. I also contacted my own dentist back home to see if he would consider either flying out to take care of the problem, or better yet, ship his gun out so Cheryl could put me out of my misery.
He diagnosed the problem. He believes I need a root canal. I decided I am not having a root canal in Hawaii. He prescribed an antibiotic but could not prescribe a pain killer over the phone. Evidently, pharmacists require a hand-held written prescription for those little wonders. That was okay because at this point, I had been to several pharmacies and had bought up every legal painkiller on the island anyway.
Now, the eye has healed. Turns out, I may have been overly aggressive with the sunscreen and infected my own eye. I have since apologized to my family for accusing them of such a dastardly feat and being premature in my accusations. They understood, given the tooth situation.
Speaking of the tooth pain, it has become manageable... Much like Hilda, that veered off to the south and thus has had little effect on the weather, the pain finally abated.
I would like to give a shout out to the best dentist in the entire continental… nay… now I can make that the entire United States… I am sure there are no good dentists in Alaska… Give it up for Dr. Frank Bianca! Talked me off the ledge from five thousand miles away and got the job done!
Since the healing began, it has been one adventure after another, and the vacation has been a complete success. Each day has been better than the last. Today we swam with wild dolphins. Right next to them. Hundreds of them. We have seen things that will make your jaw drop… assuming you don't need a root canal.
These little bays we visit are surrounded by rocks and cliffs like a scene out of a movie. I swear to you that if a pterodactyl came flying overhead followed by a Tyrannosaurus Rex coming out of the lush greenery in some of these places, I would not be surprised in the least. There is still more to come: a visit to a green sand beach and soft white sand beaches and even waterfalls.
We are even set to hike out to an active volcano in a couple of days. You know, now that I think about the Palumbo vacation curse, this may not be the greatest idea in the world.
Oh well, what could possible go wrong?
I see the Facebook posts every year. People go on these great vacations and visit some of the most exotic places and and do some of the coolest things. I envy those people. The weather is always perfect where these folks vacation, and great things always work out. They get some upgrade somehow... or they meet someone famous. You know the types.
Whatever it is, it makes their vacations something that they will never forget.
We usually go to Ocean City for vacation. Occasionally, Newport, Rhode Island or Myrtle Beach. And it usually rains... or worse: hurricanes hit on about our third day.
If you are a regular reader, you know that we decided to do something special this year and take two weeks and head to Hawaii. We chose the Big Island, on the west side, where it never rains... and a good time is had by all. Guaranteed!
Cheryl and I visited here twenty years ago, and we told the kids that when Noah turned five, we would make the trip once again.
Noah is eleven. Better late than never.
So, what could go wrong?
Our flight was uneventful. Kind of cramped quarters but not horrible. I think our rental car was an upgrade… we got a four wheel drive vehicle instead of the minivan. But I may be wrong; I may have ordered a SUV.
Either way, things were off to a good start.
Then we turned on the radio and heard that wild fires were causing evacuations from certain communities on the island. Not good, but I was pretty certain that we were not near any of those communities. Then I heard something that was going to help put out those fires… rain… FROM HURRICANE HILDA!
That's right boys and girls, a hurricane was due to hit the Big Island any day. In fact, they said that the Big Island was in its direct path. Big ole' target right on our condo.
Hello Hawaii... the Palumbos have arrived. Batten down the hatches and prepare for evacuation. We are the Grim Reaper for any vacation destination!
The locals kept telling us that they never get weather on the Kona side of the Island. Obviously, they are not aware of the Palumbo family vacation curse.
Speaking of curses, I have warned the kids that if they find any ancient Hawaiian artifacts, they are to leave them alone. I saw the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode, and I am not taking any chances.
Anyway, this is not the first time we have vacationed in the epicenter of a hurricane. Read about our brush with Hurricane Irene while in Newport. We are like that guy on the weather channel that goes to horrible weather locations... only he goes after the weather starts, and we go a day or two before the bad weather rolls in. They should put us on the Weather Channel payroll. When things get slow, they can end with us on a vacation.
Having gone through this before with Cheryl, I knew she would poo poo the whole notion of a silly little thing like a hurricane ruining our vacation. This is the cross I bear... living with the eternal optimist. I get it, I get it… everything happens for a reason. I tell her that it is clear that the reason is to RUIN OUR VACATIONS!
But if fires, death and destruction were not enough, on the first full day of the vacation, something even worse occurred… I developed a toothache. Not just your run of the mill toothache that hurts to the touch… no no... this hurt to the air. The whole right side of my jaw ached. Nothing helped and I was sure the tooth would have to be extracted. But I was not going to ruin day one, so we went to a beach. Kona has several small beaches. Not wide stretches of sand because there is an active volcano on the Island and there is lava rock everywhere, but beautiful nonetheless.
These beaches are exquisite, with water as clear as a pool. Nothing was going to stand in our way on the first day, so we ventured out. This may have been a mistake... Day two brought new adventures in pain. The tooth was worse, and someone had poisoned my eye!
That's right, I said it: someone had poisoned my eye.
Not sure who, but nobody in the family was in the clear.
I swear to you... there are five senses, and I lost two of them that day. My mouth and jaw hurt so much, I could not eat or taste anything, and even if I could have eaten and tasted, I was unable to keep my eyes open long enough to see what it was that I was putting in my mouth!
At this point, I was praying that the wild fires would roar through our condo, and/or Hurricane Hilda would sweep me out to sea. That would have been a relief!
In my lifetime, I have had my jaw broken, and I have had laser surgery on my eyes, but as God is my witness, I have never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.
I was desperate, so I started calling local dentists. I also contacted my own dentist back home to see if he would consider either flying out to take care of the problem, or better yet, ship his gun out so Cheryl could put me out of my misery.
He diagnosed the problem. He believes I need a root canal. I decided I am not having a root canal in Hawaii. He prescribed an antibiotic but could not prescribe a pain killer over the phone. Evidently, pharmacists require a hand-held written prescription for those little wonders. That was okay because at this point, I had been to several pharmacies and had bought up every legal painkiller on the island anyway.
Now, the eye has healed. Turns out, I may have been overly aggressive with the sunscreen and infected my own eye. I have since apologized to my family for accusing them of such a dastardly feat and being premature in my accusations. They understood, given the tooth situation.
Speaking of the tooth pain, it has become manageable... Much like Hilda, that veered off to the south and thus has had little effect on the weather, the pain finally abated.
I would like to give a shout out to the best dentist in the entire continental… nay… now I can make that the entire United States… I am sure there are no good dentists in Alaska… Give it up for Dr. Frank Bianca! Talked me off the ledge from five thousand miles away and got the job done!
Since the healing began, it has been one adventure after another, and the vacation has been a complete success. Each day has been better than the last. Today we swam with wild dolphins. Right next to them. Hundreds of them. We have seen things that will make your jaw drop… assuming you don't need a root canal.
These little bays we visit are surrounded by rocks and cliffs like a scene out of a movie. I swear to you that if a pterodactyl came flying overhead followed by a Tyrannosaurus Rex coming out of the lush greenery in some of these places, I would not be surprised in the least. There is still more to come: a visit to a green sand beach and soft white sand beaches and even waterfalls.
We are even set to hike out to an active volcano in a couple of days. You know, now that I think about the Palumbo vacation curse, this may not be the greatest idea in the world.
Oh well, what could possible go wrong?
Category:
Funny Guy Friday
Friday, August 7, 2015
Funny Guy Friday… Back to Camp Maria...
Funny Guy Friday is written each week by my husband Mark. So, I married a funny guy...
I have written each year about our yearly Catholic family retreat to Camp Maria. Let me remind you about the camp Maria experience... We pack half of our belongings into our Honda Pilot and trek on down to Saint Mary's county the first weekend of August. We pick that weekend because it is the hottest weekend of the year.
I suppose we do this so we can experience what it is like in hell. Scared straight and all. We all stay in bunkhouses with no air conditioning. Open air bunk houses that are way fun in rainstorms, which occur at least once every year. If you aren't fast enough to push all the beds into the center of the room, they get soaked.
Who cares if your beds get soaked… You're vacationing in hell for goodness' sake.
Apparently, you wake up early every day in the underworld because we get up early at Camp Maria. I guess that is because the mosquitoes enjoy breakfast. But not just mosquitoes, last year, we were visited by skunks... lots of skunks... that will hang out under the open air bunk houses.
Every bunkhouse is named after a bird. For ten straight years, we have been assigned the Oriole! The Oriole happens to be right next to the nightly corn hole game that starts at 8:00 p.m. and ends about, oh I'd say, 2:00 a.m. Apparently, the devil goes to bed with a steady Thump.... Thump.... Thump... Thump. Followed by rounds of laughter and trash talk. The devil loves 2 a.m. trash talk.
We actually enjoy the Oriole. It is right there in the middle of everything.
There is one shower house amongst all the bunkhouses... that's right... one bathhouse. In a crazy time in our country, when you need three bathrooms for men, women and the undecided, this place has only one. Has to be some violation of some federal law. The one shower gives rise to the yearly joke... Women are odd so they get the odd hours.
Stupid joke but someone makes it every year.
Now, having said all that, it is one of our favorite weekends of the year. Kids love it and parents are spiritually renewed. Except for the skunks, we would not change a thing. Keep that in mind as you hear what happened this year...
Every year we change lead couples. Lead couples occasionally make a minor change or two but nothing drastic. This year, my good friend Joe and his wife Aimee were the big Kahunas. Joe is smarter than the average bear. He is successful, good looking and has three great looking boys and a beautiful wife. Joe is a good friend. I hate Joe! My guess is that he has not achieved all these wonderful things in his life by sticking with the status quo!
It turns out, he didn't. There were going to be some changes. Change is never good.
That change started a few weeks ago when we got a call from one of the retreat coordinators asking Cheryl if we would mind moving out of the Oriole.
What?... Move out of the Oriole! Where would we go? Why? What is going on? I knew Joe was gonna screw everything up!
They asked if we would mind moving over to the Osprey!
Huh? The Osprey? With the air conditioning?
Yes, there are more people coming this year and they need to make some changes. They offered the Osprey to PJ because of his heart surgery, but PJ thought their little boy would not like to change out of their cabin, so they said no.
Air conditioning... Right? Joe may not be as bad you think Cheryl, and I must say... PJ is an idiot. The surgery on his heart affected his brain.We won't even ask Noah... He will understand. We will do it. We will take one for the team and move to the Osprey. The Palumbos are otherly!
On the way down to the retreat, Noah asked what an Osprey sounds like.
My response was swift. It sounds like the humming of an air conditioner!
We arrived Thursday night and the Osprey had some issues. The temperature control was hard to figure out so it got pretty cool in there in the evening. The sound system kind of crackled when we adjusted the volume. The water pressure in our private bathroom... with two separate showers…was only adequate. And we were kind of off the beaten path... away from all the action… and the corn hole thumping. The quiet is kind of deafening.
And in the Osprey, if someone gets up in the middle of the night, they could wake you. That didn't actually happen, but it could.
Finally, the kitchen was a little small and not what Noah is used to working with…. although the fridge kept our beverages nice and cool.
By the way, if anyone needed ice, we had an extra bag in our freezer! Turns out we didn't need it.
We wondered what we had done to deserve such luxury. Then, I kind of got bummed out because it occurred to me that they offered it to PJ because he was damaged goods. Tired and weak from his recent surgery. Was I next in line after PJ? Do they think I am next in the damaged and weak line of succession?
I immediately dismissed this because, by my own count, there are at least five or six guys that would be further up the dismally weak food chain.
Then we realized one of our Osprey roommates was a guy named Mike. Everyone tolerates Mike, but there are times when he can be hard to handle. I dismissed this idea because his wife Michele is so nice, she more than makes up for Mike.
We finally just decided: Change isn't bad. Change is good. Our family is good. We are deserving of this upgrade.
Or, the more plausible explanation, it was just dumb luck.
By the way, Joe and Aimee made some other changes as well. They changed the way the talks were conducted… complete success. They invited some nuns to tag along… complete success. And they recruited a new priest that brought an infectious enthusiasm to the weekend… complete success!
But who cares about those changes? We were hanging in the Osprey at Camp Maria. Besides, due to the condensation from the AC on the Osprey windows, we couldn't really see all the results of those changes. Another issue we had to deal with over at the Osprey!
Ah, Camp Maria... The kids love it and the parents feel spiritually renewed.
When I think about it, the only person that doesn't like Camp Maria, is the devil. He can't handle it!
Just when we thought it couldn't get any better... God continues to bless us.
Another great retreat.
I have written each year about our yearly Catholic family retreat to Camp Maria. Let me remind you about the camp Maria experience... We pack half of our belongings into our Honda Pilot and trek on down to Saint Mary's county the first weekend of August. We pick that weekend because it is the hottest weekend of the year.
I suppose we do this so we can experience what it is like in hell. Scared straight and all. We all stay in bunkhouses with no air conditioning. Open air bunk houses that are way fun in rainstorms, which occur at least once every year. If you aren't fast enough to push all the beds into the center of the room, they get soaked.
Who cares if your beds get soaked… You're vacationing in hell for goodness' sake.
Apparently, you wake up early every day in the underworld because we get up early at Camp Maria. I guess that is because the mosquitoes enjoy breakfast. But not just mosquitoes, last year, we were visited by skunks... lots of skunks... that will hang out under the open air bunk houses.
Every bunkhouse is named after a bird. For ten straight years, we have been assigned the Oriole! The Oriole happens to be right next to the nightly corn hole game that starts at 8:00 p.m. and ends about, oh I'd say, 2:00 a.m. Apparently, the devil goes to bed with a steady Thump.... Thump.... Thump... Thump. Followed by rounds of laughter and trash talk. The devil loves 2 a.m. trash talk.
We actually enjoy the Oriole. It is right there in the middle of everything.
There is one shower house amongst all the bunkhouses... that's right... one bathhouse. In a crazy time in our country, when you need three bathrooms for men, women and the undecided, this place has only one. Has to be some violation of some federal law. The one shower gives rise to the yearly joke... Women are odd so they get the odd hours.
Stupid joke but someone makes it every year.
Now, having said all that, it is one of our favorite weekends of the year. Kids love it and parents are spiritually renewed. Except for the skunks, we would not change a thing. Keep that in mind as you hear what happened this year...
Every year we change lead couples. Lead couples occasionally make a minor change or two but nothing drastic. This year, my good friend Joe and his wife Aimee were the big Kahunas. Joe is smarter than the average bear. He is successful, good looking and has three great looking boys and a beautiful wife. Joe is a good friend. I hate Joe! My guess is that he has not achieved all these wonderful things in his life by sticking with the status quo!
It turns out, he didn't. There were going to be some changes. Change is never good.
That change started a few weeks ago when we got a call from one of the retreat coordinators asking Cheryl if we would mind moving out of the Oriole.
What?... Move out of the Oriole! Where would we go? Why? What is going on? I knew Joe was gonna screw everything up!
They asked if we would mind moving over to the Osprey!
Huh? The Osprey? With the air conditioning?
Yes, there are more people coming this year and they need to make some changes. They offered the Osprey to PJ because of his heart surgery, but PJ thought their little boy would not like to change out of their cabin, so they said no.
Air conditioning... Right? Joe may not be as bad you think Cheryl, and I must say... PJ is an idiot. The surgery on his heart affected his brain.We won't even ask Noah... He will understand. We will do it. We will take one for the team and move to the Osprey. The Palumbos are otherly!
On the way down to the retreat, Noah asked what an Osprey sounds like.
My response was swift. It sounds like the humming of an air conditioner!
We arrived Thursday night and the Osprey had some issues. The temperature control was hard to figure out so it got pretty cool in there in the evening. The sound system kind of crackled when we adjusted the volume. The water pressure in our private bathroom... with two separate showers…was only adequate. And we were kind of off the beaten path... away from all the action… and the corn hole thumping. The quiet is kind of deafening.
And in the Osprey, if someone gets up in the middle of the night, they could wake you. That didn't actually happen, but it could.
Finally, the kitchen was a little small and not what Noah is used to working with…. although the fridge kept our beverages nice and cool.
By the way, if anyone needed ice, we had an extra bag in our freezer! Turns out we didn't need it.
We wondered what we had done to deserve such luxury. Then, I kind of got bummed out because it occurred to me that they offered it to PJ because he was damaged goods. Tired and weak from his recent surgery. Was I next in line after PJ? Do they think I am next in the damaged and weak line of succession?
I immediately dismissed this because, by my own count, there are at least five or six guys that would be further up the dismally weak food chain.
Then we realized one of our Osprey roommates was a guy named Mike. Everyone tolerates Mike, but there are times when he can be hard to handle. I dismissed this idea because his wife Michele is so nice, she more than makes up for Mike.
We finally just decided: Change isn't bad. Change is good. Our family is good. We are deserving of this upgrade.
Or, the more plausible explanation, it was just dumb luck.
By the way, Joe and Aimee made some other changes as well. They changed the way the talks were conducted… complete success. They invited some nuns to tag along… complete success. And they recruited a new priest that brought an infectious enthusiasm to the weekend… complete success!
But who cares about those changes? We were hanging in the Osprey at Camp Maria. Besides, due to the condensation from the AC on the Osprey windows, we couldn't really see all the results of those changes. Another issue we had to deal with over at the Osprey!
Ah, Camp Maria... The kids love it and the parents feel spiritually renewed.
When I think about it, the only person that doesn't like Camp Maria, is the devil. He can't handle it!
Just when we thought it couldn't get any better... God continues to bless us.
Another great retreat.
Category:
Funny Guy Friday
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