We just got back from this evening's All Saints Day Mass. You know about All Saints Day… it is the Catholic answer to Halloween. All good Catholics dress up as their favorite Saint and they approach the priest and say Sin or Saint and the priest blesses them, gives them some candy and sends them on their way.
Not really, we just go to Mass and the priest talks about the saints.
This evening, the priest spoke about the common traits that the saints share. He spoke of their faithfulness and their kind treatment of others. He mentioned that the saints did not have super powers, they were not star athletes or popular singers. He commented that it was doubtful that any person in this congregation would be a professional baseball player (dashing poor Matthew's dreams) or a professional singer (crushing poor Gracie's hopes). I would note that the priest did not mention that all artists struggle, so Noah is still hopeful that he will have a career. Then the priest mentioned that nobody in his congregation was going to win a big contest any time soon.
At this point I looked at my kids and my kids looked at me and we all said the same thing, That's not true, I am going to win the family pumpkin carving contest! The priest went too far this time.
Ah, the family pumpkin carving contest. I wrote about this family tradition last year. Admittedly, the contest fizzled several years ago when my nieces and nephews got older and moved on. Rallying college kids to carve pumpkins and bob for apples is not as easy as you might think. They claimed they had "other stuff" to do, but I think they were just tired of losing. Whatever the reason, we went years without the competition… until a week ago.
I was at a restaurant when I received a text from my nephew Daniel. Attached was a photo of a pumpkin with a spider carved out. The text read, I think this would have taken the annual pumpkin carving contest.
I thought it was nice effort… if he were back in the fourth grade. Certainly, this was no first place pumpkin. I had to set the record straight. I had to defend my pumpkin's honor. Please. My pumpkin would have kicked this pumpkin's a**. We were now off to the races as I was drawn into a text war. I was focused and I was not giving an inch. It was old school v. new school, and in the course of our texting I issued a challenge.
It is on. My house. October 30th. Bring your best.
Heaven help us if my family ever becomes competitive.
I sent the word out to the rest of the family. The Pumpkin Carving Contest was back on and everyone was invited to my house for dessert and pumpkins. Unfortunately, on October 30th I came home to a growling, loud, wet, obnoxious mess. No, no, no, I am not talking about our laundry room or our kitchen. I came home to the beginnings of hurricane Sandy. It appeared that the only thing that could beat me was Mother Nature. I could not accept the fact that the contest was going to get rained out. I needed to think. I needed to regroup. I needed a plan B.
I knew… facebook. I would bring this contest into the 21st century. I would have everyone post their entries on facebook and then each family member could get in on the voting. This stroke of genius would allow additional entries from throughout the entire country. Pumpkins would be flying in from as far away as Virginia, Pennsylvania, Washington, Texas and Florida. This baby was going nation wide. I… was a genius.
Now the pressure was on to carve a prize winning pumpkin. We purchased pumpkins for each of us and one extra in the event of a pumpkin carving disaster. I was leaving nothing to chance. Noah went with the Grinch. Grace went with Captain America. Matthew went with a hung-over throwing up pumpkin, and I carved a Frankenstein and a Bride of Frankenstein (which looked very eerily like my lovely wife).
These pumpkins were awesome… but so too were the other entries. There was the PALUMBO smiley face pumpkin (someone who knows their audience), the Houston Cougar, the Michigan State Spartan (two contestants that do not know their audience but love their alma maters), and a University of Maryland entry. A pumpkin face within a pumpkin face, a Romney/Ryan pumpkin (sure to appeal to all but the 47%), and a series of old fashioned, old school jack'o lanterns.
In years' past, I had been known to stuff the ballot box to ensure victory over my semi-worthy opponents. I was not proud of this fact but my shame had been quickly forgotten when they raised my pumpkin-gooey hand in victory.
Now that all votes are posted on facebook, I have nothing up my sleeve. It is as if the United Nations is watching over me. I hate the UN. I hate transparency!
Now, I suppose that I will have to rely on the voters to do the right thing. The problem is that the voters are all family members that don't particularly care for some of my clever commentary. You see, there are occasions when I can be brutally honest......and I must admit that I enjoy the brutality more than I enjoy the honesty part.
Based on the current voting, I may be forced to change some of the rules. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. Moms cannot vote for their own children's pumpkin. My mommy does not have a facebook. Heck, she can't even turn on her computer. It is not fair to me.
2. Grandmothers cannot vote for their own grandkids. Grandmothers are old and they don't know what they are doing. My grandmother is dead. It is not fair to me.
3. You cannot vote for a college-themed pumpkin unless you graduated from an accredited law school. This is very fair to me.
4. No voting for pumpkins that have anything to do with any other holiday except Halloween. If you don't know what holiday it is, you shouldn't even be allowed to enter the contest.
5. You cannot vote for gross, vomiting pumpkins. They are gross and they are vomiting.
6. No super heroes unless they are non-discriminatory super heroes. Captain America is not appropriate for our Italian heritage. Not fair to my Italian brothers and sisters.
7. No voting for political pumpkins. Save your votes for Romney for November 6th.
8. No voting for pumpkins that have geometrically correct eyes, noses or mouths.
9. Pandering pumpkins are automatically disqualified. Besides, too many women have been fooled by an irresistible Palumbo smile.
10. I have arachnophobia, so Spiders need not apply.
11. No redundancy votes. A face within a face is just boring to me. I mean it is just boring to me.
There, I think that just about does it.
I am happy to report that, based on the new voting guidelines, Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein are in a dead heat for the top prize. I will rest easy knowing that my record win streak is intact.
Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good night.
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