Funny Guy Friday... Happy Birthday, Gracie...

     Fourteen years ago, Cheryl was nine months pregnant, and she told me she was having contractions. You would think that as a first time father I would have immediately rushed her to the hospital.
     Not me, boys and girls... I was cool, calm and collected. I told her, "Your water hasn't broken, so let's wait." Besides, she was not due for another two weeks, and I was not going to be one of those idiots that runs to the hospital every time his pregnant wife hiccups.
     She called the doctor anyway, and against her lawyer's advice, Cheryl made me drive her all the way to the hospital nearly an hour away.  
     Once we got there, I was vindicated when our doctor told us we would probably be going home in an hour or two. Before making the inevitable decision... that I had predicted... the doctor did decide to hook Cheryl up to a fetal monitor just to be sure. He was on his way home, and told us that the staff doctor would be in, and would make the final call.
     I sat and gloated as I watched the U.S. Open. Not only am I great lawyer, I am also a great OB/GYN.
     After about thirty minutes, in came the staff doctor and he was a cool cucumber. I thought that the readings on the machine did not look right because the baby's heart rate kept dropping with each contraction, but when Dr. Cucumber looked at them, he simply asked, "Did Agassi win?" Oh, I thought, No problems here... we are going home any minute now.
     Fifteen minutes later, our own doctor had returned, and told us there was, in fact, a problem. The baby's heart rate was dropping. I walked out in the hall with him, and he told me it was very serious and he was going to do an emergency C-section. The look on his face was very telling.
     I had never been in a delivery room before, but there is a lot going on during a surgery. I remember Cheryl telling me she could not feel a thing, and the anesthesiologist said, "Thats good, now I can tell you my real name." I replied, "Thats good, now I can tell you what I do for a living."
     I carefully stayed behind the screen when the nurse announced that we had a baby girl. I finally looked over the screen and thought... Boy, is she small! The baby... not Cheryl.
     I had never seen a baby right out of the shoot before, so I thought this may be normal, no big deal. But again, I saw concern on the doctor's face and knew there was a problem.
     Our very little girl's weight was announced at 4lb. 6oz., and her first Apgar score was a five... not good. I was totally focused on the baby and did not notice that much of my wife's innards were all over the place. Fortunately, the next score was an eight. Now focus off of the baby and unfortunately on the innards... not good!
     I have often said, it was the best day of my life... because I had a baby girl. And it was the worst day of my life... it turns out that I am not such a great OB/GYN.
     Things could have turned out much worse for both Cheryl and our new daughter... especially if Cheryl's water had broken. On my first day as a dad, I experienced the highs and the lows that go with being a parent.
     When all was said and done, we had a beautiful baby girl. Grace.
     I remember thinking that she was perfect, with perfect skin, and perfect little fingers and toes. Now I look back at photos and she looked more like E.T. than the Gerber Baby.
     Grace turns 14 today.
     She continues to make us proud. She is clever, smart and never ceases to amaze. Much to my chagrin, she is growing up... but she is becoming quite a lovely young lady. She also is a good sport... she lets her dad make fun of her in this silly blog. With that being said, here is a top fourteen list of fun facts about Gracie:
     #14. In kindergarten, her teacher told us that, and I quote, "We know Grace is the center of your universe, unfortunately, she thinks that she is the center of everybody's universe." Funny thing was, we really did not think we spoiled her.
     #13. She has always been smooth with the boys. In first grade, she threw up on John D.
     #12. When she was being potty trained, she would stand and try to go to the bathroom through her belly-button. Maybe, Cheryl should have handled potty training... not me.
     #11. She has more clothes than any human alive, but never has a thing to wear. Most of those clothes are, at this very moment, on her bedroom floor.
     #10. She wants to go to Nightime Pediatrics every time she stubs her toe. She insists that we "took Noah that one time!" Yes, we did... he broke his leg! Do you think attention could be a problem?  See #14.
     #9.  She studies at least five minutes for every exam... and makes all A's.
     #8.  She had to write an essay as to why she wanted to be considered for a special science program at her new high school, and wrote a very funny paper that basically said, "It is either this program, or my dad is sending me to a private High School away from my friends." I think she also used the word scientifical... which I am not sure is a real word. She got in.
     #7.  She has incredible persistence. Every year she asks for, but never receives, a cell phone.  By the way, she ain't getting one this year either.
     #6.  Whenever she sees her mother and me kissing, she says, "Get a room." Newsflash... we have a room... and she won't stay out of it.
     #5.  Sheeza may sing atom ad gab. For those who don't know, Mad Gab is a board game... figure it out.
     #4.  When Cheryl tried to have "The Talk" with her, she put her fingers in her ears and said "La la la la... I am not listening to you!" I think she still may be trying to go to the bathroom through her belly-button.
     #3.  She begged to have her ears pierced for more than two months before we finally agreed to let her get it done. When we got to the store, it seemed to me that it took her two more months to get up the courage to actually get them pierced. Fortunately, as most of you can imagine, I was very patient with her, while Cheryl fussed and fumed throughout the mall.  
     #2.  She... like... is going through... like... a phase... like... where she... like... says the word like... like... after every other... like... word.
     And last, but not least...
     #1.  She is a great daughter... and a great big sister... and we love her more than she will ever know.      
     LIKE... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!